Christmas

Last year I cooked and panicked. This year mum was supposed to be cooking but went down with the dreaded lurgy... this meant I was back on for cooking so began to panic about 4.30 Christmas eve.

Luckily my gorgeous brother Shane came home from Iraq (He wasnt due home for another week or so) and he is such a fabtastic cook that he willingly took over the duties. Dad and I then sat on the sofa and proceeed to get drunk... a couple of bottles of wine later and a bottle of port and a bottle of wiskly and we were doing the "your fab", "No, jor Flab, fab" "I love you" thing.

Dylan woke the house at about 5.30 and we attempted to get him back to bed. Mum and I lay on her bed, I with my head nodding (Why did I drink so much) and mum wishing desperately attempting to not vomit. Hmmm maybe we were both trying not to be sick.

Anyway at a healthy 8.30 we groaned, moaned and drove ourselves from our beds. Dylan was put in front of his big box (Decorated about 10.30 before the port but after the wine). It had a couple of balloons in with feathers, bubbles and sparkly bits, with a few tinker toys and basic cheap but cheerful crap.



After saying to everyone "dont buy him much" Dylans pile of pressies was huge.



The mess was fantastic and feathers, sparkly bits and fun flew threw the air. Wrapping paper was, of course, the most played with thing and the big box was a total hit.

Wine,


good food,

family




and a surplus of love abounded. This was probably one of the nicest Christmases Ive had in such a long time.

Walking in the Clouds

This weekend I drove over to Cumbria to visit Shaun and Jo again. Did the usual plebbing, eating and drinking but we also took in a HILL. I'm reliably informed it was a hill by Shaun who yomped up the mountain like it was a Sunday morning stroll through a flat park, to me it felt like mount Everest. In fact I think the reason I was so short of breath was due to altitude sickness. I mean I walk on a regular basis with the pram with the girls, whats the big deal about walking up a slight incline - DOH!!!

Anyway we left the car in sunshine and headed for a peak that at the time didn't look that far way. Shaun volunteered to carry Dylan in the baby ruck sack they brought us in March and off we sauntered. Hats donned we bimbled towards the bottom of the hill.



10 mins up a "slight rise" and I had peeled off my jacket and was panting somewhat.20 mins of altitude sickness later the peak still seemed some miles away and the cloud cover was beginning to sink over the peak we were heading for.

Another 20 mins stomping through marsh land and climbing stiles and we reached the tor point.



The climb up had become really ethereal, we couldn't see our hands in front of our faces and I thought I had perhaps had a heart attack and had passed into the bad lands.

But Dylan and Jo's smiling little faces made me realise I hadn't died, I was just bally unfit.

Weekend away

Ive had such a lovely weekend. Left home on Friday and drove across to Cumbria to Shaun and Jo. The drive across was lovely even in the rain. Started to get things unpacked and then discovered the little man had hit the coal bucket.


I know I should have rushed to him and grabbed the coal from his hands but he was so full of himself I found myself reaching for the camera to capture the moment.



I lay on the floor laughing my head off. He lay on the floor laughing at me laughing at him. It was the begining of a great weekend.

Two tooth Browning becomes three tooth Browning

Yeah, little man has teethed his way through to five teeth. Two on the bottom - now very prominent - and three on the top. These top three were not as great a struggle as the bottom two. He was slightly upset and restless but there didn't seem to be as much dribbling, crying and general wakefulness as the first time.

He is obviously enjoying his new teeth as he now munches happily on his veg and enthusiastically chews and sucks his way through a slice of toast. I have also tried him out on the sweeter things in life. Chocolate isn't such a hit but ice cream made his eyes pop and he chomped his way through a bowl of ice cream and pured apple.

Ive also lost a lot of my own inhibitions about food and rather than saying "no he isn't going to have that" I'm now saying "If I'm eating, he can try it". This has been a fun stage with highs and lows but generally more highs.

Oh my - where did the month go.

Well its been a month of high highs and low lows but I'm generally feeling like the world is a much better place to be in. I'm occasionally having a bad day but they are becoming few and far between. I know I keep saying it but Dylan has really helped me get through this time. He is totally amazing and I've loved this "extra" time I have had with him going through this exciting stage of his life.

He is now sitting from standing really easily and has attempted to stand without the aid of furniture a few times. He is still wobbly bob most of the time without furniture but I believe he will be happily walking by Christmas.

He has also cut his third tooth (top right), discovered the hallway and downstairs toilet and attempted to get up the stairs. I found out he could negotiate the stairs when I pootled up stairs quickly to get his clothes this morning. I left him merrily playing in the living room with Rolly Mo and Crabby Crab. Having picked out his clothes for the day I headed downstairs to be met by a grinning elf who was obviously very proud of himself four steps up.

Nightmare - and a definite "Hello - where are the stair guards".

We spent the day with NannySan and Grandie who are the most "doting foggies". Dylan just grins and shrieks most of the time. Nap time and Quiet time are pretty non existent but he so loves them both its joyous to see.

Keefe and I are on a very even keel. We have got into a sort of routine and when he does something that I don't like I bite my tongue or, if I'm feeling strong enough to deal with it, I deal with it.

All in all the future looks bright.

For the last ten days the little man has got firmer and firmer on his feet. He still struggles every now and then with the sitting from standing thang, but on the whole he is happily charging from one piece of furniture to the next. Clinging to passing legs or just standing with his hand outstretched requesting help!

He is sooo adorable!

Whenever I feel blue I just sit and watch him. Discovering this brave new world!

Its official - I'm not post natal

I'm just depressed. Is there a "just depressed"? In a way its great. Lisa informs me I'm not post natal because of the obvious bond I have with Dylan. There is, from her observations, a lot of love between us and although I admitted to having hard days with Dylan its obvious to her that I love him and he loves me and I'm doing a fantastic job with him.

Obvious!

I wish I could see it, believe it. I still feel like I'm pretending a lot of the time. Pretending to be a mum, pretending to be coping, pretending that everything is ok. There is a dream like quality that surrounds me, but this is, obviously all part of my depression.

Obviously!!


Still not told Keefe why I'm off. He hasn't questioned my "mastitus" story. He obviously doesn't really care. And that suits me.

Obviously!!!

Visit from the Perenatal Nurse.

Lisa came today, she is a part of a team that deals with women who are post/anti natal. She was lovely and I only cried once. Why did I cry? Because I was talking about my fear of loosing Dylan. The sensible part of me knows it's not going to happen, everyone has told me so, but it is there constantly in the back of my mind. If I let go of my feelings, if I give in to this darkness that nips at me I will loose myself totally. The Chasm is deep and dark and I feel as if Im sitting on the edge.

So I have to hold on tight to my emotions, to remain in control. The downside being Im finding it hard to talk to anyone.

On the up - Dylan is going in leaps and bounds with his walking/crawling. He stood and bawled today because he was stuck on the table and wanted desperately to be sitting but couldnt figure out how to get to the floor. He really is a quick learner. Within about 10 minutes he was happily pulling himself up and sitting back down again all with his "how clever am I smile".



Bless him he really does make the grey skies blue.

Look Mum!

Couldnt believe it today Dylan pulled himself up onto the stool in the dinning room and began to push it ahead of himself - WALKING. Mum and I just stood open mouthed then we laughed at him, then I got out my camera.


He was obviously so delighted with his new trick.

Lovely Weekend in London.

Just when I felt really down this weekend came along. I wasnt sure whether I was going to actually do it. But I forced myself to pack my bag and headed off to the airport.

Dylan and I flew down to Standstead. When we were waiting in the loby I saw looks of horror pass over several passengers faces "Oh no, we have a baby on board - but he was a total star and slept through most of the flight, after flirting with the air hostesses. We stayed the night with Jayney and Joe - who were lovely. Joe cooked for us and we went for a fab walk in the morning. Dylan slept in a drawer! So cute but I didnt get a picture - loosing my touch!

Jayney dropped us off and we caught the train into London to meet H. It was the first time H has met the wee man and they got on like a house on fire. They had a great time playing Peek-a-boo.


In his Nappy and happy at Aunty Hx's

In fact she was the first person he waved at - Yes hes waving!!! Think the mentality level was about on par (don't mean it Hooch). He crawled into every corner investigating the new space - Hx's floor has never been so clean.

Sadly Keefe came way too soon to take Dylan away to meet his side of the family. Before I sobbed H had sipped a glass of happy juice into my hand and told me to pluck her eyebrows. Distraction being the best form of defense!

After dressing and applying slap we headed off to Graemes 50th bash at the Tower of London, we had a lovely evening doing what the Hooch and I do best. Met up with Marcelle and met some lovely folks. The evening passed in a flow of drinks and chat. Foot sore and all drank out and taxi ordered, Marci joined us and we headed back to Hx's.

Saturday morning H left us to go gas soldiers and Marcie and I waffled the afternoon and evening away.


Aunty Marci and Dylan.

Catching up with Hx and Marci was lovely and filled me with a sense of strength I've definitely felt lacking over the last months. Feeling as low as I have been has made me realise how much I miss my friends. I know that even alone as I am I'm no longer lonely.

Depression

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse it did. Monday I crashed - big time. I broke a cup and everything crumbled. I found myself lying on the floor sobbing my heart out inconsolable.

I finally picked up the phone and called Sheila, my health visitor. She came round within the hour - obviously stressed by my sobbing - and we talked. Or rather she talked I mumbled, cried and cried some more.

She made an appointment for me to see my Doctor, who was very lovely and very understanding, but who told me I was not just depressed I was, after completing the becks test, seriously depressed - one step up, or is that down, from clinically depressed.

He prescribed citralopan and signed me off work for 3 weeks, with the warning that I could be off for a lot longer and to prepare myself for that eventuality.

Admitting I'm not coping has come hard. I'm really scared that depression will allow Keefe to take Dylan - can I be charged incapable? Will he understand? Shiela says this won't/can't happen, but what if it does. Dylan is the only thing right now that is keeping me sane! I'm scared that if I let go I will loose myself.

Failing, failing, failing.....

Today was probably one of the lowest days of my life for a long time. I woke this morning before Dylan woke and attempted to express – ½ an ounce again. I felt so despondent. I attempted (as the book suggested) to get Dylan to feed from me an hour later but he wasn’t interested, actually gagging and arching his back.

I loaded him up in the car and drove to mums. I could feel the tears starting to well up as I took him inside. Mum obviously didn’t know what was up and I ended running from the house in tears, without even kissing Dylan goodbye.

I feel like my body has rejected Dylan and he in turn has rejected me. I know its stupid but I can’t help it. I’ve tried so hard to get breast feeding right, we struggled at the start and I thought we were just hitting the easy part. But now I think its coming to an end. And that scares me. Will Keefe now feel its okay to take the little bloke away from me, he doesn’t need me after all. Will Dylan and I still have special mommie time!

I hate my body. I hate that Im still struggling to master breast feeding. I hate that I feel Im not feeding my baby!

Why?!?!

I keep trying but its not working. I’ve expressed every three hours on the hour for 30 mins, 15 mins on each breast doing 5 mins and then swapping, desperately attempting to stimulate the milk flow but its not increasing and Im so worried that my milk is drying up.

Dylan seems happy to feed from me at night but through the day he will only suckle for a min or two and then he is off looking for something else to entertain him. I can’t help feeling that if my milk does dry up going back to work has caused it. Expressing obviously hasn’t stimulated the production enough and Im feeling a bit…like … a failure.

Todays high light came in the form of a visit from Gemma, Aaron and Jonathan.



Gemma always makes me smile – she is so confident and the bond between her and Aaron is so strong. When I was a little low today I reminded myself that Gemma didn’t breast feed Aaron so obviously breastfeeding doesn’t affect the bond between mum and baby.

I know its wrong of me to feel like breast feeding is what creates the bond because its obvious from others who haven’t breast fed that this isn’t so, but I just feel like my body is letting my down - my breasts have failed me!

Call me Moo!

Dylan woke four times last night, Im knackered. I only expressed twice, after the 12.30 feed and the 5.40 feed. He seemed to feed for longer periods at the 2am and 3.40am feed – in fact I think for the 2am feed he fed for about 15 mins, longer than he has done for ages. Does this mean he was just hungry or was he responding to the expressing?

Spent the day basically doing a cow impersonation! I really feel tied to the breast pump and I have to say that it’s not showing any positive results, still only expressing a ½ ounce each time.

Celebrating and Expressing

So this is my plan for the weekend. With Keefe away in London and Mum and Dad over in Cumbria its just me and Dylan, so Im going to feed him on demand and express every three hours. I’ve done loads of reading on the Internet and its “suggested” that this is the way to increase my milk supply.

Annette, Orla, Ruth and Josh joined me and we had cake and champagne (one glass only please we are breast feeding mommies) to celebrate Ruth’s birthday. Its lovely seeing the girls and Dylan always seems to enjoy the companies of the other babies.




Orla and Dylan

I fed Dylan as and when he needed it, but he generally didn’t want to feed that much from me through the day. Although that said, he loved the beef stew I made last night. Ruth was also feeding Josh so we got some yummy pics.


Josh and some carrots

It was totally fantastic to be able to bathe Dylan tonight; we both got naked and splashed in the bath for ages.



Dylan giggled his way through the evening, I read to him and we lay on the floor playing.

I started the evening out how I meant to progress I fed Dylan at 7pm ( he usually gets an expressed bottle) and then expressed right afterwards – emptying out each breast. But even with the additional feed and expressing the 10pm expressing yielded no more than another ½ an ounce. Having had such a good “yield” of milk prior to working this is so disheartening but Im hoping that all this extra expressing will boost the supply.

Reverse Cycling - Something new to deal with!

Definitely think something is going wrong with my milk. Dylan has been waking most nights now three, if not four times, demanding to be fed. It's not even as if he is feeding for a long time. Generally about 6 mins but he will not be settled with anything but a feed.

I had a chat with my Health visitor and she suggested Dylan might be reverse cycling, stopping his intake of fluid through the day and feeding at night. It's a comfort based thing ~ he misses his mommie!!!



I've never heard of this before, but its a bit of a relief. I thought this was it for me and breast feeding. Although its been hard it has created such a fantastic bonding between me and the little man.

I would never judge anyone for not breast feeding but Im so glad Ive managed to keep on with it. Times gone by I've hated my breasts but this was what they were meant for and Im really proud of myself to have stuck with it this long.


Does that sound conceited? I hope not!

Milk Drying Up?

Arghhh – just not sure what the hell is happening. I’ve been expressing at work and its not been particularly easy, I don’t feel comfortable doing it but I’ve managed to get quite a good yield up till now. I haven’t been expressing as regularly as I probably should and this is now the second day that Ive noticed my milk has dropped from about three or four ounces each session to an ounce or two.

Its not really a problem – I don’t think - but Im going to keep an eye on it. Im a bit worried that with Dylan not feeding as often and me not expressing as often as I should my milk could be drying up!

Keeping Busy

Dylan spent the day with Keefe so I felt the need to fill my day with something productive and look what I did.



I built this Merchants Chest all by myself. I cannot begin to tell you how proud of my little self I am.

Keefe had to shave a bit off each end to get it to fit in the alcove. He also reminded me that I could have avoided the tired arms because I had an electric screwdriver in the cupboard – I like to think of it as time earned pain!

Life changes.

What a month. I've made some fairly serious life changes over the last 3 weeks, hence my absence from all things blogging. It's been a hard 3 weeks, especially with Dylan teething, rolling, commando crawling and generally just growing, its been a variable hotbed of emotions and small successes.

I'm feeling very positive.

So what's changed?

Well firstly I had a wonderful three weeks at Annette and Tom's. I got used to the cavanous proportions of a house after living in my little static caravan. I also got used to living on my own.

During this three weeks Dylan became the worlds best forward and backward roller, he crawled his first crawl, much to mine and K's delights. After doing a full crawl he then discovered if he lay on the hard wood flooring and just pulled himself along - commando style - he could move fast and silently and he has now become the scourge of pussy cats and all things four legged.

He has also cut two teeth, which means lots of sleepless nights, but we now have a gummy smile with two little bittypegs sticking out. He is still cutting more and his little face has swollen each time, giving him hamster like proportions. He has all the usual signs, red cheeks, baby dribble and fists clamped into his mouth sucking for dear life. Night times have not been good and I'm reaching zombie like levels of existence. But - there is always a but - the little man, even with cheeks swollen and sore still smiles and giggles like the mad fiend he is.

Since our decision to separate K has been coming to the house each night to bathe Dylan, which has been nice, but means I've run around "getting things for him". This has lead to me being even more anal in my organisation. Each night before going to bed I have to check that Dylan's bag is ready for mum, that there is a nappy, wrap, booster, towel and sleep suit in the bath room for his bath ready for K. I have to check that my expressing machine after using it is steralised and put in my work bag accompanied by two bottles for the expressed milk.

Its like some bizarre military fiasco and if one step is not followed the whole routine falls into chaos and I'm left sitting on the stairs weeping at my inability to do anything.

Okay - it only happened once, but it happened.

All in all Annette and Toms was great. I burnt dinner twice because I wasn't used to the space and couldn't smell the chicken moulding itself to the dish in a blackened lump. My cleaning anality lifted its ugly head above the parapets and I, even though I promised I wouldn't, ended up climbing on furniture and poorly balanced chairs on tables to clean daddo rails and light fittings. But - there it is again - I wound in my neck and talked myself out of doing the windows and re-organising Toms CD collection into alphabetical order.

I purchased (via a mortgage from Hell) and moved into my own house on the 20th of September. Its an old ex council house, 3 bedrooms with a lovely wee garden.

I took the last of my savings and visited "Ar-gus" purchasing all the necessities of life: curtain poles, pots and pans, 4 x knives, forks and spoons, 4 x plates and cups, a dish drainer, cooking utensils, shower curtains, toilet seats and copious other bits and pieces which make a house a home.

It needs a lot of work - LOTS OF CLEANING - and lots of decorating but it has potential and even after the gas/electric fiasco, outer doors that do not lock and missing toilet seats (Now replaced thanks to the bible I call Ar-gus) I feel empowered and stronger than I have for some time.

I've also started a child minder course. I'm not sure if I'm going to follow through with it, but the course is free and its just something I was thinking about doing to allow me to spend more time with Dylan. I want to be there to see him take his first steps, to hear his first proper words and know that I have given him the best of me.

I know that working won't mean I am a bad mommie. I accept that working is sadly one of life's realities and now that K and I have split up even more of a necessity but what I wouldn't give for someone to wave a magic wand and say "You can financially afford to spend the next four/five years at home". But its not going to happen and I have to find alternative ways of making sure Dylan and I have the type of life I want for us.

I guess its all about life choices. I'm choosing to work less hours to stay at home more with Dylan, which means we wont be able to afford some of the luxuries I took for granted. Broadband, Sky TV, flying off and visiting friends but we will have plenty of time to walk along the beach, play in the garden and just spend time with each other.

And finally - after our big "fight" I needed to replace my glasses so I've been and got meself some trendy Wireless specs (this was my last luxury purchase). I'm also going to get myself a hair cut as I've not had one for over 7 months - is this the beginning of the new me? Who knows? I just know that right now, at this present moment in time things feel positive and good.

They are hard and sometimes when I'm rattaling round the house like the proverbial pea in a tin can it feels lonely, but - third and final one - it feels right!

5 years ago

This time five years ago I was surrounded by friends and family celebrating the union of K and myself.

We thought we were a forever couple, we promised to respect each other, to talk and laugh together, to make each day special, to share our thoughts, hopes and dreams.

I hope when we have resolved our differences I will be able to say I love him still, but today it was hard.

Firstly because he sent me a card - it was a lovely card but it made me cry great big snot filled gasping cries.

Then when I was doing my first real shop I stood in front of the toilet rolls in Morrisons and cried some more. Why? Because I didn't know what toilet rolls we brought!!!

Love was not enough for us,
Though we were much in love.
We started down the well-worn path,
But it was not to be.
Delight was not enough for us,
Nor tenderness that moved
Through years of angry dissonance
Towards some dark, bitter sea.

Our differences were far too great,
Our lives too far apart.
We didn't like each other much,
But put that truth aside

Until one day it was too late
To reignite the heart.
One told the other, who agreed
At last that it had died.

But then, ah, then! we felt our loss
As unremitting pain,
As deep and inconsolable,
Unbearable regret.

And all alone we had to cross
That desert once again
That we might know that we had loved
Too much to soon forget.
By Nicholas Gordon

6 months old.

My god I cannot believe that 6 months have gone by. My little man is just fantastic, even if he isnt sleeping through the night, he is the most contented, happy wee chap I know.

He is also very close to cutting teeth, so has been suffering a very sore red bottom, but even with this discomfort manages to smile his way through the day.

My heart!!!



Happy 1/2 birfday babe.

It does get easier - work!

Well the morning started out pretty much like Tuesday - tears and reapplications of make up - but by the time Keefe got up and I went to wake Dylan I had myself under control.

I think last nights preparations helped. I had pre-packed all his stuff in bags and got my uniform ready. His meals and milk were sorted and all I needed to do was get the little man up, put on his coat (going to Nanny Sans means he doesn't have to be out of his PJ's) and drive - I'm on a three step program here.

The drive to mum and dads passed without tears, infact we even managed to get through a couple of songs on his nursery rhymes CD - step 1 achieved.

I sat with Dylan and chatted to my folks for 10 mins, no tears so far, then kissed the wee man on his head, breathing in one last lungfull of baby I headed out for the car. Tears welled in my eyes but I managed to blink them away - step 2 achieved.

Into work - still no floods although the occasional hiccup and eye welling occurred. However have to admit to actually getting on with some work today, whereas Tuesday was mainly filled with looking at pictures of Dylan on the yahoo web site - step 3 achieved.

Medal and fan fare please!!!!

Lunch break. Yes, I made it through the morning without calling home, without crying too much and without embarrassing myself. Expressed (a whole blog to itself me thinks) and strode into the kitchen with my bottle of milk - I am a working mum!!!

Agi and Terri - two of the centre regulars started chatting to me about the little guy and I was fine. I can't even remember what set me off, some innocuous comment but the tears flowed and I rushed to the toilet in embarrassment.

Face washed, make up re-applied, without mascara - I've given up on mascara - I headed back into the kitchen to apologise and was soundly hugged by Agi who consoled me with "its all right, it does get easier".

The rest of the afternoon flew by and I made it through with no more tears.

Heading home in the car I was hit by Agi's words. "It does get easier" and it got me thinking, cause in a way I don't want it too. I don't want to ever become complacent about leaving my wee man - Is this stupid or is this just one more emotion I have to control because I'm now a "grown up?

Enough pondering, because this evening when I walked in to the living room I was greeted with the biggest smile and open arms - God I love this child!!

House sitting - 1

This morning I joined Annette (NCT Gang) at her house for my "induction" session. She showed me all the basic stuff - how to work the expresso machine, where the cats food is kept and the puter.

For the next three weeks Dylan and I are going to be house sitting for her, Orla and Tom when they return to Switzerland to visit parents and family.

Its a lovely old fashioned house with high ceilings and wooden floors. Its going to be most strange living in a proper house but have to admit that the bath situation is most tempting!

I've promised not to obsessively clean - but to read and watch movies and just relax. Lets see how long I can keep to that one! My only real "duties" are to feed the Mr Fosses (the cat) twice a day and put the bins out for Wednesday morning.

Dylan will be sleeping in Orla's big cot, practice for his own and I will have a full sized double bed to stretch myself out in - ahhh the decadence of it all.

Don't wanna be here....

Ahhh well the morning dawned. I thought cause I had myself all organised, packing up bags and preparing food, that it wouldn't hurt as much but my god.

I started to cry about 6.50am... I was still crying at 7.30 when I drove him down to mums. I continued to cry all the way to work. I walked through the doors at work (after applying my make up for the third time) brave faced, shoulders back...

"I'm here" I said cheerfully ... my bottom lip trembled, my eyes filled up "but I'm not sure how much use I'm going to be" and the tears started again.

I've been through some bad stuff in my life, but like to think I've faced it with a determined aplomb, I don't like to be weepy, or down, or negative - contrary to my blog - but today was probably the hardest of my life so far.

I cant even begin to describe how much leaving him hurt, something was missing and no matter how many times I looked at his pictures I felt lost.

The day dragged, I only called home once (mum phoned me twice with updates, bless her), but by 4pm I was pulling down the shutters and hurrying homeward.

I rushed through mums door to find my wee man sitting happily playing in his jungle gym. The look on his face was something like "ohhh hello - where you been?". I picked him up and squeezed him tight, sniffing him in, ahhh that smell, my heart beat slowed and I felt at peace again.

Big Bed.

Dylan has been sleeping in a cot that goes next to my bed. Its been really lovely as I hear him breathing at night, I also hear him snorting, snuffling and singing. I love it, but know that sooner, rather than later, he is going to have to move into a bigger bed, that wont fit next to mine.

My baby is growing up!

Then today I arrived at my mommies to find that the crib we have generously been given was up and ready for the little bloke. Blankets, chime thingy and all. God it brought a lump to my throat.

As he sat in the cot, his little hands pulling on the bars I cried a little. I seem to be doing that an awful lot lately.

BAAAAD Mommie.

I cant believe it - it happened again!

I was sat with the wee feller and we were doing the usual playing stuff. I stood up, simply stood up, and before I could move, cry out or react in any way positive the little bloke leant forward and simply rolled off the sofa.

He hit the floor and screamed. I picked him up and cried.

How could it have happened again - I think he is part lemming!!!

On a more up beat note - weighed in today at a totally fab 15lb 8oz.



And I got the photo's back from the photoshoot (Which I forgot to blog about)They are gorgeous!

Carrots are yummy!

Hmmm today we had carrots and baby rice. He loved it. I went a bit over board and made a big batch (used a whole carrot, he is only supposed to be taking two or three spoonfuls) I was going to split it into little pots but thought I would just try him to see how much he would take - He ate the bally lot.

When I started weaning I was going to try the self feeding thang, where he feeds himself finger foods and stuff but he just seemed to get frustrated with not being able to get the food into his mouth.

So Im spoon feeding him. Sometimes he really cries between mouthfuls, but from the "investigating" I've done it seems he is just frustrated it isn't coming fast enough, having been used to getting his food pretty darn quick for the last five months.

He does like to have the spoon at the end of his meal though.


So far we have tried the following finger foods:
Apple - as a finger food. This is fun as he munches on it quite happily as long as I, or some other sucker, will hold it in place for him.
Cucumber - big bits are best, at first he wasn't at all happy with this one, but on the second or third showing, with big chunks he happily muched away.
Pepper - Loves it!
Chips - Definitely got Irish heritage as Taties in any form are wolfed down like they are going out of fashion.

Foods cooked or put in with baby rice
Banana - again hated it at first but now happily takes it with baby rice, still doesn't like too much of it on its own.
Sweet potato - Yummy - will happily eat this till it comes out of his ears, covers his head, and mine!
Broccoli - Hmm only tried this once and he coughed,spluttered and screamed. Might be one of those we go back to.
Carrots - the pic says it better than I could.

Just wanna be your teddy bear.

Dylan woke this morning at 5.30, he'd slept through from 10.30 so I was over joyed. After feeding him I went to the bathroom, he sang me through my "ablutions". Tina and Rosie mewled round my legs "its nearly breakfast time, feed us" they said.

So I did. And as I did I heard Dylan singing some more, a whole conversation was going on. Unsure who he was talking to I crept into the bed room and saw this....



I obviously crept back out and got my camera...

He was obviously having an intense conversations



How cute

One potato, two potato...

Weighed in at 15lb 2oz. Helen told me to expect a slower weight gain from now, Dylan has apparently grown into big boy range...

I told her about the way he follows each mouthful we eat, how he grabs for food, how we wake two or three times through the night to feed - All apparently signs of baby heading for weaning. So mum and I headed out and brought some baby rice.

HE LOVED IT!!!

We then had a try with mash potato.....

Need I say more

Please sir can I have some more


I felt a little bit lost - is this him leaving me, am I now redundant...

Food Glorious food

Went for our weekly weigh in... 14lb 15 oz.



A great weight gain for the little man. Spoke to Helen about his recent need to feed twice, sometimes three times through the night, about his following us with his eyes and opening his mouth as we put food in ours...

all positive signs of a baby wanting more food... weaning has begun!

Mum and I purchased some baby rice and started the process.

HE LOVED IT...

I felt a little lost. Is this the end of our bond, is this him leaving me, no longer needing me? God Im needy - lol!!!

The Dillons came a visiting.

Penny, Dillon, Colm and Ady came visiting because of space in the caravan and the situation K and I are in it was decided that I would stay with mum and dad for the weekend.

I was happy with this as it meant I would continue to benefit from their care and attention, but wasnt too sure how Penny and Dillon would react to it.

Long story short apart from the constant too-ing and fro-ing it worked really well. K had Dylan time, in two hourly batches - pretty much as much as K seems to handle. Penny was a real star and organised all the picnics and food. It was strange to "visit" the caravan and having the mess of two young children made my fingers twitch each time I visited, but I got my anality under wraps and managed to sit on my hands.

I organised for mum and dad to baby sit on Saturday night, meaning to spend some time with Penny and Dillon enjoying a glass of wine or two, but at 8.30pm dad called saying simply "come home".

Apparently Dylan had been as happy as Larry sitting on the table with mum and dad in his wee chair, whilst they ate. Dad pulled his sock off and Dylan looked at him as if to say 'you dont do that', looked at my mum and burst in to tears. He then proceeded to cry for the next hour and a half.

When I walked through the door his little arms flew up and he greeted me with a tear stained smile. He snuggled into me, smiling and googling at mum and dad. Within minutes he was settled in his cot and fast asleep. Dad shook his head mumbling "I dont believe it, he was a totally different baby before you came".

I returned to the caravan and enjoyed a game of 'pass the bomb' but I stayed off the wine, just in case.

The Dillons seemed to have a fab time - the glorious weather allowed us to spend time BBQ-ing and sitting on the beach



sandcastles



and water fights ensued.

Pots and pancakes

Today we met up with the girls from NCT at a lovely little cafe called pots and pancakes - it kinda does what it says on the tin. You can make your own pots and have pancakes. It was a lovely way to spend the morning and I ended up spending a silly amount - lets not go there.

I made a picture frame for NannySan and Gandie, a mug for Keefe and a little tile with all the babies foot prints on. We had so much fun and Annette took some lovely pics, here's just a few....


Fiona and Thomas


Jo and Naiomi


Me and the wee bloke

Dylan was an absolute star and the prints me and mum had done earlier obviously gave him the upper hand, or foot, cause he was all smiles and stretched toes, flirting with the lady who was doing the painting.



Jo reckons he has definitely been here before, I'm coming to believe her. At the end of the morning it was all too much and the wee guy just had to have a little nap.

Birthday celebrations.

It was my birthday yesterday - 36 - more importantly it was my Papa's as well and he was a jolly fab 60. After attempting to organise a surprise party and then canceling it we decided to settle on a family meal.

The usual ohhing and ahing went on to decide which restaurant we would go to, but then it was decided because of Dylan to stay in and have a take away at mums. So my older brother, Shaun and his girlfriend Jo joined me, K and Dylan at my mum and dads to celebrate our birth day.

Dylan obviously didn't go down - he was far too excited at seeing Shaun and Jo again and NannySan just cannot let him sleep, far too much to see in the house and the garden. The little man joined us at the table and he was offered various foods to try.

It didn't seem to matter how much I said no, please don't, odd tidbits still found there way on fingers to his mouth. We discovered he loves carrot, hates spinach and adores strawberry cheese cake - dad dipped his dummy into his cake and announced "its my birthday and my grandson will have some of my cake".

Have to admit the photo said it so much better than I can.



This morning Shaun and Jo came for a visit, primarily to say goodbye and ended up taking Dylan for a walk. Their present to me was to give me two hours to sleep - BLISS!!!

No milk

For reasons I don't really want to go into my milk dried up this week. It was emotional stress and I didn't really think that it would affect me the way it did, literally overnight I went from producing lots to producing nothing.

Dylan would lie at my breast chewing on nothing, sucking and crying - I had to supplement his feeds with formula, which really annoyed me, cause its not been easy to get to where I am with his feeds, but I couldn't go on not giving him anything.

I did what all the books recommend and fed him as often as he demanded it, expressing what I could in between times. It was hard and I tried as hard as I could to not cry in front of the little guy. I have to say that I really believe he knew something was wrong, he has been so gentle and cuddly these last few days.

I guess I really just blocked out my own emotions, going with the "I need to feed my baby" thing. It seemed to work, luckily my milk kicked back in about five days after the whole drama thang, its not back to normal, I'm still struggling to express but on the whole I'm feeling better than I did before, I know I can get through this and what's important is I've been able to continue feeding the wee man.

Rollie Polly Baby

I got the shock of my life this morning. When I do my bits and pieces around the caravan I have been propping Dylan up on the sofa, surrounding him with cushions. He's never very far from me and until this morning showed no sign whatsoever of moving.

This morning I stood up and crossed the caravan - all of 15ft - to get his nappy changing stuff, suddenly there was a thump and the loudest scream I have ever heard. I turned to find Dylan on the floor upside down screaming his little heart out, I dropped everything I had in my hands and dashed back to him, picking him up and holding him as close to me as possible. Before I knew it the tears were streaming down my face and I was repeatedly appologising and kissing the little guy.

His tears dried up before mine!

First roll and first fall all in one day - my little boy is growing up!

Leaving the wee man.

So the weekend finally arrived. I've been dreading this weekend, that sounds awful because it was a weekend of celebration - Jayney and Joe were getting married - but it was also the weekend that I was going to be leaving Dylan for the first time. Its only been four months since he came into my life, but its changed me so much and I knew that even though he was staying with Shaun and Jo the leaving would be hard.

Jo and I spent Saturday acclimatising Dylan. No problems with Jo and Dylan bonding, he smiled continually and eagerly went to her for cuddles. Gone was the stranger danger, so much so that I even felt a pang of jealousy as he cooed at her, offering his best smiles - the tiny flirt! Jo changed him, fed him (expressed milk) and I took a back seat. It was hard!

Both Shaun and Jo seemed to find new ways of entertaining the little man. Shaun's beard and league of gentleman impressions were a continuous source of fun and Jo happily started the "sticking your tongue out" lessons.



Sunday morning arrived and K and I started to dress for the wedding. I had to apply my make up twice because of the tears. Finally with make up intact I headed down stairs to hand over my son.

The tears started again and K, Shaun and Jo all laughed at me. I cant explain the anxiety I felt. I knew that he would be looked after, Shaun and Jo both love him to bits, but there was still a part of me that kept screaming at me not to leave. Luckily Dylan has been put down to sleep so I wasn't forced to see his little face as we left.

The day itself was lovely, Jayney filled the day with her immutable style.



Boats on rivers, bride and goom meeting the guests before the wedding and old buses to ferry us around.

I cried several times when talking to folks about Dylan and by 5pm had to run off to Aunty Muriels hotel room to express - boobs like rugby balls - all in all though the day was great. I got drunk and ended up spending the whole night away from Dylan. God was it great to see him in the morning. Not only were my boobs sore as I'd only managed to express the once but my hormones were rampant and I couldn't wait to hold and smell him.

Parting is such sweet sorrow, god knows how I'm going to deal with going back to work.

Visiting Folks

Its amazed me how busy I have been whilst I have been on maternity leave. I kinda thought it would all be nappies and sitting at home watching TV. I even had plans to do my ECDL certificate but I've spent most of my days visiting and being visited by people.

Sue is one of the people I have visited with often, she has two lovely children, Eleanor and Matthew, and is full of useful information and anecdotes.


Sue Dylan and Matthew

Dylan adores her and smiles all the time when she is around.


She always leaves me feeling as if "I can do this" and I'm grateful for the growing friendship that has been slowly groaning with the passing months.

This lazy way of filling your days seemed alien at first. The idea of going to someone's house for tea, of having the time to sit and talk - primarily about nothing - but just chatting enjoying someone's company was a strange privilege I had never enjoyed.

It's part of my maternity leave I'm going to regret having to give up but I can foresee the time coming when I have to rush round doing "stuff" on my days off rather than enjoying the company of friends.

Mr Pearl came visiting.

Mr P has been in my life since 1994 - he is my positive wizard. He is far from perfect, he would admit this on one of his good days and deny it on a bad, but he has always offered me truth and honesty - even when its not what I want to hear.

He came back to Blighty to attend a wedding and did his usual "flit" up North to see us. I spent most of his time here discussing life, love and the universe. He gave me some things to ponder and spent the rest of his time waiting for Dylan to do something more than smile, sick-up and poop.

He isnt a baby person


and Im pretty certain Dylan picked up on this.

But after a day or so the two of them formed a strange your a baby and Im going to talk to you like an adult friendship.



I managed to snap him a couple of times, creating photographic evidence, of T communing with Dylan.



It was lovely to see him!

Oww - Why is there no big book?

Just when I think I have it sussed my wee man changes the rules and I'm left floundering again. For the last couple of weeks - months - we have had a kind of routine. From Dylan's perspective it goes something like this:

Wake at 7ish, feed and get my nappy changed. Mommie has breakfast, I go in my bouncy chair. We play.
9 oclockish - tired eyes, yawning - Nap time. Usually for 30 mins.
10.15: Feed time,
10.30: My favourite time of the day - NAKED TIME! I wiggle and giggle, jiggle and squirm, I usually wee all over the mat, preferably if mummy isn't looking.
12ish: Tired eyes, yawning, start to snuggle with mommie, but generally get put in the cot. Hmm big sleeps time.
2pmish: I'm awake mummy - come get me.
2.30: Feed time, nappy change, bit of NAKED TIME, play time!
4pmish - tired eyes, yawning - Hmmm a quick nap please mommie.
5.15: Yummy more milk please, then sing to me again. Where's Ollie, My teeth hurt, Snuggle!
5.45: Here comes daddy - He's so silly.
6ish Bath time with Daddy - Boy I like to splash.
6.15: More milk mummy.
6.30: Story time - what's Winnie the pooh up to tonight?
7ish: Boy I'm tired - show me to the bedroom mamma.

All sounds fairly perfect and I have to say that I was feeling a little smug. This last week though he had decided to completely change the routine, he wakes when he was sleeping, he fights the sleeping, crying and tensing his body till he goes red in the face and his feeding is nothing but sporadic and erratic.

I'm not sure what to do. Just let him go through the phase or try to instill the old routine. The thing that's really got me concerned is that he only put an ounce on this week.

Where is my big "this is how to bring a baby up" book!!!!

Weigh in - 20th June

He just keeps getting bigger...

He just keeps getting better.


13lbs 6ounces.

Gardening with Nannysan

Today I watched in delight as mum took Dylan out into the garden and introduced her latest love, her grandson, to her long time love, her garden.



He giggled and cooed as she showed him flowers with smells and colours to blow his little mind. His first instinct was to eat whatever she showed him, but he seemed to enjoy the sensations.





I was reminded of the country walks we used to take as children, when she would name the flowers and trees and we would spend hours collecting treasures of leaves, stones and sticks - each one shown to her with love.

It started me thinking about how soon I would have to return to work - a real downer - but knowing that Dylan will be staying with mum makes the decision slightly easier. He will have a great teacher!