Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse it did. Monday I crashed - big time. I broke a cup and everything crumbled. I found myself lying on the floor sobbing my heart out inconsolable.
I finally picked up the phone and called Sheila, my health visitor. She came round within the hour - obviously stressed by my sobbing - and we talked. Or rather she talked I mumbled, cried and cried some more.
She made an appointment for me to see my Doctor, who was very lovely and very understanding, but who told me I was not just depressed I was, after completing the becks test, seriously depressed - one step up, or is that down, from clinically depressed.
He prescribed citralopan and signed me off work for 3 weeks, with the warning that I could be off for a lot longer and to prepare myself for that eventuality.
Admitting I'm not coping has come hard. I'm really scared that depression will allow Keefe to take Dylan - can I be charged incapable? Will he understand? Shiela says this won't/can't happen, but what if it does. Dylan is the only thing right now that is keeping me sane! I'm scared that if I let go I will loose myself.
1 comment:
Honey, big hugs! Admitting something is wrong is the biggest and best step. Proud of you. Depression, like anything else, is an illness, and because you are seeking medical assistance you should be fine. It could be a mix of late onset postnatal (crashing hormones) combined with relationship ending grief depression. Honey, giving birth, moving home, breakdown of a relationship, returning to work. Any one of those are up there on the top ten list of most likely to cause depression. And you've got a bundle of them to contend with. Take your time, allow yourself to grieve your relationship ending. I hated my ex, I left him, I divorced him, he was a nasty horrible man, yet I still sobbed my heart out the day the divorce became final. Noone marries with the plan that it will end. We all expect happy ever afters and it's hard on us when things dont go the way we planned. Moving house, you love your place but that's a mega stress. Going back to work and being a single mum. You would not be human if all of these things had not affected you. Take a step back from the big bad world, take care of yourself, because the wee man needs you to, and we need you to as well. Take the meds, it's not giving in, you'd take pain killers for a tooth ache or penicillin for an abscess. They take a few weeks to really make a difference, and even then it may only be a gentle lightening of the dark clouds. Regroup. Enjoy life. Gain back enjoyment in life. Hey, have a holiday if you can. No idea if father of the child will understand or not, but as long as you are not going to harm self or wee man there is no reason why it should give him ammo to take wee man away. That is part of the depression honey and why I think maybe a touch of post natal, as feeling that others maythink you a failure as a mother is usually a classic sign. You are not going mad. YOu are unwell, that's all. And that's not a bad thing. It's just your body saying ENOUGH! Big Big hugs. Iknow Germany is not necessarily the place of choice but if you need a break, my door is open, and the christmas markets open in a couple of weeks. Hubby is in Afghanistan so i'm rattling around this 3 bed, hey you don't even have to talk to me! YOu can come and go as you please. If you dont fancy it, i'm not offended either. It's just the offers there. Don't give up. You are strong and you have good friends (Hx particularly). (Hx has my details if you do decide to take up the offer). Love and hugs to you and the wee man. HHx
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