Argh - I swore

I would be more prolific with my blogging. D-man shames me with his daily updates, luckily Helen (Bugger she just updated) is as lax as I am.

So current situation.
Its 22.48 I'm watching Becket ( with Richard Burton) studied it at school and want to see if I actually read it. It appears I didnt!

Drink wise I'm a bottle of champagne ahead - it was reduced down to 4.49 from 10.99 and figured it was a good buy. Have cracked open second but getting wobbly fingered.

Emotionally wise: Dealing with shit. Have had a horrid cold. Men would call it flu but have got through it with child..... argh I love that sentence. Says so much to those who know and means so little to those it should.

Dylan is getting his second too last lot of teeth, so hopping the teething milarky will stop. But learning that with babies, once you deal with one load another comes firmly on top.

Breast wise: I'm under construction. Spent the weekend before appointment drinking nothing but water - sorry turning off Becket and going for "Fall of eagles" cause its got big skirts - and eating celery.

I was actually still 4lbs above my target weight, but consultant wiggled my boobs into all sorts or strange positions, measured my collar bones to nipples and proclaimed me a "prime candidate". I was then taken upstairs for my bloods and photographs, which were not taken cause the geezers had left for the day and that was me in.

I've also been given the go ahead for sing and sign. I'm teaching on a Saturday morning, two hours a week, and I'm, to put it politely, crapping myself.

Ive dug the garden up, moved slabs and grunged. Dylan has entertained me with his exploration of worms, he doesn't like wood lice, and mud eating. Apparently I'm not supposed to let him do this, but he seems to enjoy it. Maybe this is a forewarning of times to come "but officer, he so loved to cuddle those cute kittens". For now though I just see it as an exploration of life, what he puts in his mouth and doesn't enjoy he spits out....

What greater lesson can we learn!

Janines and Garys Sadness.

The cremation has happened of a little tiny soul. Janine's blog shows her sadness and pain and I cry when I read it, but I know she is strong woman who will learn to live with her sadness as time softens the pain.

I dont know what to say to her, I have picked up the phone so many times, but never quite had the strength to dial the number, I know I will just say the wrong thing, the stupid thing.

What do you say to someone who is dealing with so much pain and anguish, how do you show you care! Every day Dylan does something new and amazing and I am filled with such happiness that he is here with me. How can I help Janine cope with not having these memories, how can I take her hand and say "it will leasen" when I do not think I could deal with the sadness myself.

Its my birthday

And I will cry if I want too.

Today I turned 37 - nothing Im too bothered about, in fact it felt quite lovely to be woken up this morning by my favourite guy with a kiss and a wet nappy in my face. We played quite happily for the morning until I got a text from a friend called Janine, she had given birth to a little boy three days ago, Jamie, but sadly he had a heart defect and he had died.

I sat on the sofa clinging to Dylan my heart aching for Janine, Gary and their girls.I held Dylan so tight and clung to the thought that I am one of the lucky ones.

My heart goes out to this family who, for the last 40 weeks have looked forward to bringing new life into the world. A lovely family who cares and shares love and laughter. I do not know how Janine is coping with the loss, her body still thinking it has a child to feed and care for. Her emotions must be going through hell. I can only wish them love and peace at this hard, hard time.

I took salmon pie - it is not enough but it was my way of saying, I care.

Gardening is fun.

My mum is a bit of a gardening wizard. She makes things grow that shouldn't grow and they grow BIG! My wee garden was a real tip when I moved in - totally over grown and rather disgusting, full of cat poo, crisp packets and beer cans.

Mum however has been up two or three times and the garden has become a nice place to be in. It took a lot of time and lots of digging, clearing and planting. Plants are not my big thing - I'm a bit of a plant killer, but I've been converted. I'm growing tomatoes and peas. Matron and Hooch you are my inspiration.

Dylan loves it when we are out in the garden, its an obvious time for him to play in water and mud.



I brought some garden ornaments, a cow, a pig and a sheep, from Morrisons. Dylan loved them, but sadly they haven't lasted all that long. The sheep lost its ears within the first couple of minutes and the poor cow...



Best of all though was seeing Dylan lying with his face in a puddle blowing bubbles.

Happy Fathers Day.

Sunday we generally spend at mum and dads, mum cooks and I sit on my bum and watch my dad behaving like a three year old.

This weekend though was a special weekend as it was Fathers Day. As Keefe was down in London it was great to not worry about who Dylan was with. For Fathers day I had put together a collage of pictures of Dylan, for Keefe and my dad. Dad was really touched by it. He generally doesnt do photo's but the frame has been put in pride of place in the front room.

My brother, Shane, is a little bit mad and had asked my dad a couple of weeks ago what he wanted. Dad said "nothing really, just get something for Dylan". On Saturday a huge box arrived and this was inside it....



It took a while to blow up.



It set Dads electric pump smoking and mum and I were sent post haste to pick up a new pump. Dylan enjoyed playing in the box with the three hundred balls Shane had sent to accompany the boat - so Dylan wouldnt get bored.



Dad and Dylan had a "whale" of a time playing pirates, with thier sea dog, Jezz.



Mum and dad have now turned thier front room into a Marina....

Shiremoor Fair

Today I had to go into work, it was a bit of a pleasure actually as it was a fair.
There were all the usual stalls, bouncy castles and candy floss.



The weather promised rain, but we struck lucky and the sun showed its face. I thought it would be a bit of a pain as I had to take Dylan with me, cause Keefe was working, but everyone made him really welcome. He was given a balloon, which he carried everywhere. Stopping occassionally to flirt with the old ladies I was attempting to convince computers were fun. I spent most of my time running round after him, pretending to hand out leaflets.

We went on the tea cups


, ate candifloss and played on the computers....


All in all a rather lovely day.

Little Bloke turns 15 months.

Well what more can I say but that. He is walking, running, climbing stairs. Talking - the basics: mama-ma, daddi, gog (Dog), giving kisses, laughing like a drain and showing a personality that scares me - lol!



Each day I count my blessings, pick up the toys, clean the nappies and lie at night looking at his little face in wonder.

Big boobs no more.

This last couple of months Ive been desperately trying to loose weight, cause my Dr promised me that if I could get down to a set weight I would be considered for a breast reduction. So tell me why when I loose a couple of pounds am I sabotaging my own efforts with Pizza and wine.

I really want this op, I want to feel normal, I want to be able to run, jump and cross my own arms just like any normal girl (hahahhaha). But really I want to not have guys staring at my breasts like they are some gift from Budah.

Tell me why!

Ive got a stone to loose. I need to loose weight by August 6th... can I do it...

BLAHHHAHAHHAAH!

Me n my boy went cycling.

The other day the large globe in the sky shone and it was warm. So I got out my bike and dusted off the battery, which was still charged, and we went for a cycle. We didnt go far, just down to the beach, where a friend took this pic



but we had fun. Sometimes its hard to come back to this site and blog, cause I havent got my camera and my worms always seem wiggly without a pic to show what I mean, but today was lovely. Just me and the little guy enjoying the sunshine, meeting up with a friend and drinking caffe late(sp)

Life is good - especially when your not worrying about rain clouds.

Complete Bliss

Last night Dylan wouldnt sleep in his bed. He woke every hour on the hour, and I was intent on drinking a bottle of wine. Two glasses in and half way through "Ugly Betty" he cried again. I heard little feet thumping across the ceiling and suddenly he wailed.

I put out my fag (one should always keep the available homosexual available) and headed upstairs. There clinging on to the door gate was a little elf, his trouser leg to his new pj's climbing up his legs, his hair ruffled and his bottom lip trembling, his little arms held out "mummy".

I went into the bathroom and swilled my mouth, washed my hands and sprayed myself with deodorant - I hate the thought of him smelling me full of smoke - so I go through this rigmorole if I have slipped myself a sneaky fag.

He still cried out.

I picked him up and carried him into my room and he snuffled himself into my chest, his hand gently stroking my face and I felt bliss. I want to be a good mummie, I want to give this little being everything I can, to show him the good in our world, to teach him to laugh and dance, to listen when he is talked to and to smile through his fears. I want to protect him, hold him back from the scary stuff and wrap him in bubble wrap. I want to take him in my arms and make sure he is never hurt.

This is cleaning up poo one moment and loving his smile the next. Is this unconditional love?

White House Farm

Today Dylan and I joined Annette, Orlan, Jo and Naomi at the White house farm, which is a working farm that has opened its doors to the public. Its a fantastic day out and we were celebrating Naomi's birthday. Naomi was the last of the babies to be born, so now the NTC group have all turned 1. How quickly has that gone?

We saw goats, which Dylan loved, Rabbits of all types, the giant ones were amazing and I would love one to have at home, just not sure the cats would go for it... or rather they would go for it and that would be the problem.

We were also lucky enough to be involved in a lamb feeding - Dylan slept through this but Jo who loves sheep was totally excited.




We had to stop her trying to fit the lamb in her jacket...



Sadly the camera batteries ran out just after taking these pics.

We also had a little tour with the pigs - Annette's favourite animals - and were able to pat a pregnant pig called Lacey. I never knew there was so much to pig mating habits!!!

There was a soft play area, which we didn't go into but we did play in the park and went on a tractor ride. All in all a really lovely day out. Dylan walked so much that he actually got a little blister on his foot but he didn't seem to mind as long as he could torment the goats and chase the rabbits.

Arghhh Child minding problems.

Mum has been really poorly these last couple of weeks, with a sickness and diarrhoea thing that seems to have rolled into horrid proportions. Anyway because she hasn't been well Ive had to "farm" Dylan out to Jo, my next door neighbour. Jo is lovely and has been a real sport looking after him - especially as he has been teething so badly, not been the best baby to look after.

Today though to give Jo a break Annette took Dylan on. He apparently bawled his eyes out when I left but settled in front of the TV with Orla to watch the sing and sign video. Its great to see Dylan and Orla playing together they really interact so well and its fun seeing them learning from each other. Dylan taught Orla to climb the furniture and Orla taught Dylan to throw balls all over the floor so Annette could trip up over them.

My how they giggled!

Annette said she had fun, but found it a challenge, I managed to get back at Dinner time, which was great as Annette makes the best sandwhiches. Dylan went straight to sleep after wards which sounds great apart from the waking up, and screaming for his mommie...

Ive offered to reciprocate but not sure I will handle it as well.

Still Teething

Yes, its still on going, poor wee mite is really suffering with his molars. The top two have come through and seem to be cutting into the bottom gums, most nights he is awake at least four or five times, crying and moaning. Ive tried all the liquids and gels but nothing seems to be helping him.


He has stopped eating most foods, even bananas and for the President of the Banana fan club thats a serious thing to happen. The only things he wants to eat are yoghurts and anything that is cold, so Im feeding him grapes and mango when he gets so hungry he will eat.

I feel quite helpless, watching his pain and being able to do nothing to help. Last night he lay in my arms simply snuffling his way through sleep, desperately clinging to my neck each time the pain washed over him. I wish I could take his pain away, I would even take it onto myself if that were possible but its not, so all I can do is hold him when he hurts and try to give him as much comfort as possible.

Water play

Isn't it great, all this fantastic weather - Lets just hope it's not the only sunshine we are going to get - and good weather means water play. Dylan has been dying to get out into the garden to play so mum took him into hers, he loves mums garden, there are so many weird and interesting things to play with and break.

Today though it was just fun playing with buckets of water, getting drenched and chucking water at the cats and dogs.



He has been teething - his molar teeth are coming through and its been painful, Ive been using ambasol which usually has good results but even that hasn't been easing the pain, so it was lovely to seem him today smiling and laughing, just enjoying himself.

I change when my bloke isn't around!

Its true. Ive always laughed at those girls who suddenly stop answering their phones, who change to fit in with the "boyfriend", it seemed strange to me that they mould their personalities to fit with someone else. If the someone else loved them wouldnt they want them to be the same all the time - to be true to themselves?

Today I had the most gorgeous day with my wee man. I've got my bike back up and running and have attached the trailer my papa brought for us. We cycled all the way to Tynemouth (about 4 miles) and joined friends Jo, baby Naiomi, Helen and baby Archie and Annette and Orla. We had coffee and played. Babies running, walking and crawling all over the shop.

Im a clean living mumma who loves her little boy.

Keefe picked up Dylan and took him away.

Without my wee man around I drink, smoke, swear, listen to my car radio so it blows out my ear drums and worst of all drive above the speed limit.

Im a wild child!!!

Its a scary world

I woke this morning to hear this on the news.
Why was this guy so angry that he took a gun and torn the lives from 33 people. What could justify such action?

I turned and cuddled Dylan. It scares me that Im bringing a little human up into such a sad and angry world. What will he accept as the norm in years to come. How can we change it?

Plans of fools

Two posts in one day. Almost too much. But had to blog after my previous post to tell the world about my failed plans.

The last time I made plans I went out with a friend, watched a great movie - cant remember the title, but it was the one with Bridget Jones playing the woman who wrote about bunnies. I then proceeded to get drunk, behave in a rather bizarre manner had a fairly strange night, it was good.

So knowing Keefe was taking Dylan tonight I made plans. I booked tickets to watch another film and got ready. Then Keefe, who was looking after a rather grumpy Dylan, called me at six o'clock to say that Dylan hadn't settled, in fact he had cried from the moment he left me. He said he was bringing him back.

I didn't tell Keefe I had plans. I said "call me if you have any problems", so was my fault that he called? I cancelled my plans and I waited for Keefe to ring me to say he was bringing Dylan back, but he didnt call.

I've spent the night cleaning the house, putting up a blind in Dylan's room (its a real mess but I give up trying to cut a straight line)and drinking wine. Bugger me, the trials and tribulations of being a mommie.

Blogging.

I'm not sure if Ive covered this before but Ive been lax in my blogging recently cause I'm not sure about the direction it's going in. I loved my old blog but felt that I needed one for Dylan, so I started this one, then I found myself just blogging on this one and not on the other, but I find it hard to blog my own feelings on this one because its Dylan's.

I know blogs are whatever you are want them to be about so if this changes direction and you don't like it I suppose I'm saying sorry. Im not like D-Man with a huge readership, frequent updates and post of hillarious content, but at least I will be blogging on a more frequent basis and I suppose the title is ME, MYSELF and Dylan so I can blog about me and not just Dylan.

Can I?
Should I?
or more importantly
Will I!

New cot - big boy

Today Keefe came and helped me prepare Dylans bedroom for the big move. Keefe did all the difficult cuts and I laid the simple (Straight) bits of laminate flooring. Ive already painted the walls - blue of course - and put up his pictures.

It felt strange preparing his room away from me but its time. Whenever I go to bed I wake him with my snuffling about, tonight it will be nice to climb into bed, switch on my bedside lamp and read without guilt. Ive place a box by the side of my bed so he can get into my bed unassisted.

We just had a trial run. At about 10.30 tonight Dylan woke up and cried out. When I went into the bedroom, his bedroom, he was sitting in his bed just waiting for me. With the light from the hallway he proceeded to inspect his room, pointing at all the pictures and things I have hanging from the ceiling for him. "Ohhh", "Ahhh" and our favourite "Eeee", accompanied by him patting his chest and grinning. Once the room had passed inspection he toddled into my r and had a good look round, checked out the bed by climbing on it,(the box worked) climbed off after pulling the cats tail and toddled back to his room where he climbed back into his bed and went to sleep.

My baby aint a baby no more. He is a toddler - with his own room.

Birthday boy

I wasn't going to have a party, because there are so many parties for us to attend this month, but then it hit me that it is just not the done thing to NOT have that first birthday party picture.

So in my usual haphazard way I sent out emails to friends and family and then ran round all day yesterday attempting to get the house, myself and Dylan organised for the said party.

After scrubbing floors, cleaning windows (why do I put myself through this) baking a cake - a whole fiasco that deserves its own blog, but not got the time - I finally filled up my wine glass and welcomed Jo, Becki and Josh (my next door neighbours) as our first guests.

From then on it was just one wonderful guest after another, Kath (From the theatre) Daniel (Keefe's son), Malcolm, My mum and dad, Nicky and Rob, Rich, Andrea and Kiera, Annemarie and Ged, Carol and her two grandsons Nathan and Costa, Sue and Jack, Julie and Eva, Annette and Orla, and Sue - without Mathew cause of chickenpox - it was a mad 3 hours but totally lovely and I really appreciate the effort that everyone made in coming on such short notice.

Dylan finally allowed me to put him down at 4.30 and slept for a whole 35 minutes - he is just so bally nosey.

Keefe left with Malcolm, Daniel and my baby boy and I filled up my wine glass, ate the last of the pringles and humus and chilled.

Fabtastic - Happy Birthday Dylan, I love you so much.

PS Camera broken so cant download any more pictures - WAHHHHHHHH!!!