Snow - I hate snow

Its snowed now for what seems like forever. The cold seeps into me and makes my leg and arm hurt like hell. Its pins and needles and bone weary. I feel like I do nothing but talk about how much I hurt or ache. Stuff is happening and Im missing it!

Mum was crying this afternoon because her back ached. I asked if I could help, knowing I couldn't, but wanted to try. She just sat and cried and I held her. I still cant cry, I want to cry but am scared that if I let go I wont be able to find my way back.

I went to see Dylan's nativity at school. I couldn't see him most of the time, but I was aware as I sat there watching this scene unfold before me that I should be feeling something, there should be pride or happiness, but I'm detached. Its not that I'm not present I just feel uninvolved. I need to talk to Bridie as I feel as if slowly I'm eroding away. Becoming nothing more than wounds and pain. Not great pain, like before just constant aching pain that never seems to go away. Nothing matters, nothing takes me totally out of this ache.

Do you know me?

Who am I? What do I like?

I cant sleep and I got up so not to disturb anyone in the house. Sat in the dark, the sky grey and a strange light spreading over the room it dawned on me that I have nothing that says who I was, who I have been. If I left tonight with all that I own now and went to somewhere where no one knew me how would I show who I am.

Sitting in the blackness I try to find who I am. Who is Shannon, my only defining role is that of mummy! Is that all I am?

Trying to get out of the doghouse

In an effort to remove myself from the dog house I got up early this morning, did the ironing, tidied the kitchen and entertained Dylan, ensuring he didnt go upstairs and wake mum or dad.

I felt really tired after doing this, but I kept myself going, out of pure spite really. I know I was wrong to stay out and mix alcohol and tablets, to not let them know where I was, but Im 40 not 14 and I have to have the ability to make these choices.

That said, I do feel like and idiot for the way I behaved, who the hell was I trying to impress, it certainly will have made an impression but possibly not the type of impression I wanted to make.

Drugs + Alcohol = the doghouse!

On the upside, things I can do this week that I couldnt do last week.

• Walk up and down stairs without pulling myself up on the banister
• Wash and dry my hair.

Yeah for getting better, now how do I change my thinking!!!

In the Dog House.

Oh my, last night I went round to Rebecca's house. The pretense was a book sale. I behaved like a total idiot, flashed my burns, as if it was something special, something to be proud of!

I eventually rolled in at 3am and totally pissed mum and dad off. Definitely reverted to the sixteen year old child I have been.

This morning I fled the house with Dylan, finding refuge at Rebecca's. Then I ran to Tracy Scotts house, it was the first time I had really talked to her and I really felt that we could become friends. She's really open and what you see is what you get.

Returning to the house I got read the riot act. Selfish, thoughtless behaviour. Dad had walked the streets thinking I was lying somewhere dead. It was stupid of me to mix alcohol and tablets, selfish, stupid, careless....

Keefe took Dylan away for the night and I retreated to my bedroom, introspective and hurt. I behaved like an idiot, shamed myself, worried and angered my parents - who the hell am I?

Reiki and Sympathy

Im finding mornings really hard. Getting myself up is hard enough, but getting Dylan up, doing breakfast and getting him to school is quite frankly rough! The School is only a couple of minutes walk away and getting there is ok, the walk back though hurts.

In the play ground this morning one of the other mums was really upset. Post natal depression struck and she ended up in tears. It was so nice to be able to offer sympathy and support to someone else. A hug and an understanding smile meant so much.

David had organised for me to have some Reiki sessions with a friend of his, Nina. Totally unaware of how it works or what it is, but I felt wonderfully relaxed.

Mum and I are still treading on egg shells, but at least it got rid of some of the tension that has been building up. Dad is still questioning everything I do, or don't do. And whilst I'm finding it totally frustrating I understand that he is doing it because he wants me to motivate myself, I just don't want to motivate myself today. Please don't make me!!!

Rowed with Mum

Well mum and I finally came to a head to day. We had a bloody awful row. It started off with me bad mouthing dad because he constantly getting on my back, mum had said that he was moaning at her for the amount of time I spent in bed. 5 minutes later we were screeching at each other, I was leaving (where to I had no idea) she wanted me to leave because I was self and she had been doing everything for me for the last 8 weeks and I didn't appreciate how hard it was on her.

She cried, I screamed, we eventually hugged. But the crux is I'm selfish. Can I change this thinking - Bridie, over to you!!!

Taking Bridies advice on board

This weekend I spent it in bed. Dylan was off with Keefe for the weekend. The first weekend he has had him since I came out of hospital. I didn't justify why I was doing it. I just got a book and read.

I did try and help round the house where I could. But most of the time I would attempt to do something only to have to ask for help, because I was unable to complete the task. But I managed to shower and get dressed all by myself. I had to lie down afterwards, but I did it.

Today the pain seems higher than over the last couple of days. But I think this is because I've reduced the omnimorph down and Im trying to only take the tramadol when things get bad. Also now the big stuff is healing I seem to be feeling all the little aches and pains. My ribs are killing me and I haven't felt these hurt before.

But today I managed to do my own hair. It wasn't pretty, but I got it tied up in a pony tail. Triumph!!!

Bridie my Guru!

Had a fantastic session with Bridie today. She seems to help me put my thoughts into order, restructuring my thoughts from destructive to positive.

Ive struggled with being at home, feeling claustrophobic and like I've reverted back to being a teenager. But she's helped me see that of course I'm going through these feelings. I have lost control of everything.

I'm 40 years old and only have the things I have because my dad has bought it for me. I'm dependant on my parents for everything, physically, mentally, financially. I'm grumpy and irritable because I'm tired and sore, I feel guilty because of the pressure my parents are under and therefore I snap at them, at Dylan. I resent this but its not my fault, it is the situation I'm in.

Things for me to remember over the next few weeks.

• Pain is good, but its not nice!
• My body will react to temperature over the next couple of months, I should be aware of this because intense heat/cold will cause intense pain.
• I have to acknowledge that things are and will be sore, and not expect too much of myself or my body.
• Things I can say instead of "I'm fine", which I'm not and I cant keep putting on smiley face. "Today is not a good day". "Nerve pain is setting in and its sore". This means I'm not lying to myself, but I'm also acknowledging its not easy.

Sometimes I want to curl into a ball and not have to deal with anyone. I try and motivate myself but end up tired.

Someone has kidnapped my nice child

and replaced him with a bally monster.

Seriously, did he always whine this way. All I hear from him is "I Want", "I Need" I cant deal with him, I cant....

Home is where the heart is

But its not my home!

Ive been home two days, mum and dad have been great, but Im so really pissed off and angry at everything. I hate having to ask for stuff, for clothes, for money to buy Dylan a magazine, for toiletries, for bloody f**king tampax. I hate not being in control of when I get up, when I sleep, what I do.

And I buggering hate the fact that I'm behaving like a ungrateful princess who cant have her own way.

Today I messed up appointments. I was supposed to go to the RVI to see Sophie, but also had a dressing appointment at the Drs. Dad asked my why I couldn't get myself organised. I cried and run away.

Nothing seems to be going right since I came home. It wasn't supposed to feel like this. My wounds hurt, I'm short and irritable with Dylan. I'm sniping at mum.

Annette came round and it was gorgeous seeing her, but I was tired and strained. I just want to sleep, which I could do in the hospital, but at home I have to be up, doing stuff. Dad had another go at me about not getting stuff sorted "tough love" he calls it, I just feel like I'm not doing enough for them. I want to go back to my little hospital bubble!

Tuesday 28th October

I'm going home tomorrow, or is that today! The last couple of weeks I haven't written cause it was all pretty much the same stuff. But I cant sleep and this hospital room seems to be shrinking. The daily journey pretty much goes like: Breakfast, get up, exercise, get tired, sleep, lunch, exercise, feel depressed, get tired, Dinner, wash and get ready for bed.

The days have been broken up by bad TV, numerous dressing changes, baths, and visitors, lovely, lovely visitors. Vicky, Rebecca, Anna, Sue, Shaun and Joji, Annette, Mum, Dad and Dylan. All bringing respite to the boredom of healing.

I wanted to go home last week, but Mr Valham wouldn't let me because the open wounds on my legs were still a bit sticky and septic, but he relented on Friday and let me have a "weekend pass". One night at home in a real bed was wonderful but it was also hard. And made me realise that maybe I wasn't ready to go home, more importantly it made me question whether mum and dad were ready to have me home.

Although I'm getting up and moving around I still need so much help, I cant move quickly and have little or no strength in my right arm, my fingers still struggle to close and open properly and I'm so tired after doing the most basic things. Angie said today that I have done really well. That when they brought me in, very few of the staff thought I was going to make it through the week. So apparently I'm a testament to my own determination. I actually feel like a freak, a fraud and a failure. But that could be the morphine withdrawal talking, I'm not allowed to go home until I'm off the big stuff, luckily I'm being supplied with my own little cache of take home drugs.....

Saturday 9th October

Im up and moving like you wouldn’t believe, getting out of bed seems so much easier, not simple but I have control again over the middle of my body, its just a wiggle of legs a pull of the stomach muscles an Im up. So far no little accidents!

I bumbled around after breakfast stretching my limbs, pushing my arm to move. No one came, it was busy outside. At 10 I decided to wash myself, thinking that maybe the bath had been cancelled, my leg bandages were falling off so I rang the nurse button. Katherine and Carol were looking after me, but Angie came in. I was due a bath and bandage change but a new patient was really poorly and was holding things up. I told Angie it wasn’t a problem, I know how painful it is when you first come to these wards and how important it is for the staff to get you settled in and comfortable. Angie sorted out my bandages and I sat and read.

Bath! How gorgeous is that word. I got into the bath by myself! The soaking of the skin, the easing of the limbs as they float easily with little pain! Hair washed and I got out of the bath by myself. All decorum gone, bum in the air and belly flapping but bugger me I did it.

Wounds so much better again today, elbow really dry and the dressing has been reduced to a bit of stretchy bandage, Donor wound also drying up and now just needs E45 cream on to ease the itchyness. God is it itchy! I want to scratch all over, to dig in my nails. But Im resisting. Today I managed to get my left arm lifted to 35 degree angle, so much more movement that yesterday, yeah for tomorrow.

Shaun and Joji visited. Laughter and feet the main theme. Pictured below. Wheeled down to the Coffee shop for a Latte. Yum. The two of them are full of sunshine!

Mum and dad begged a night off, which I willingly granted, they need to rest, to sleep. I missed their visit, but the night passed with bad TV and visits to the toilet.

Wednesday 6th October

A bad night, little sleep and ponderings of what Im going to be doing in a weeks time, a months time! I have decided that Im not going to accept this situation. Im going to push my body, with Sophies exercises, Im going to do everything I can to make it work the way it should. So through the day I did my exercises, breathing and body pushing each limb till it hurt just a little.

Bridie, the hospital councillor came in to talk. We talked about loads of things, but mainly how Im going to cope once Im out of my safe little hospital bubble. I don’t know. It will be strange living at home, but I know I will be safe. We talked about Dylan and how he is coping, Bridie would like me to get him assessed, just to be safe.

Visits from Ruth and Renate, Donna and Liz. “Im fine, really, its all good”, hugs, kisses, “get well soons”. Such good friends make me realise how lucky I am.

Sophie came to beast me and we pushed my body, my left arm is definitely improving, I can move it a little more each time she visits, still unable to lift it more than half way up my body, but its getting there. My fingers are not so stiff and Ive more control over them.

My catheter was removed, its all down to me now. Getting out of bed is hard, my body just doesn’t want to do want it needs to do to get me up. I feel like I have not control over the middle part of my body. Needing the bed to pull me up. Im worried I wont make it to the toilet in time!

Mum and dad came again to visit, they don’t see the point in Dylan seeing a councillor, I gave in. Things are pretty status quo with the house, dad chasing up the fire brigade and police, but not really getting anywhere.

Im tired, but feeling a lot more positive tonight, the days are long, but I really do feel that its all pulling in the right way.

Thursday 7th October

Its been a good day. I had my bandages removed and the new dressings seem to have made a significant improvement. Still smelly, stringy and wet on my left side, but my elbow on my right arm is healing well and the cuts on my left arm are looking brilliant. Still looks a bit ‘Bride of Frankenstein’ but so good compared to a week ago. I can’t believe the difference two days can make.

Visited by David from Trinity Church and David Stocks. A prayer and some raspberries. Mum and dad brought Dylan, he played with bed again, such sweet hugs and kisses. He seems fine, people are dropping off toys and clothes in the bag load, sometimes mum doesn’t even know who they are off. Such kindness, such generosity!

Shaun phoned, it made me smile, Im tired tonight, but I cant sleep, more Orimorph please!

Friday 8^th October

Morphine reduced to 20mg per twice a day. Im managing to stay off the Orimorph, trying to find out how much I can push it till I feel the need to call for for help.

Tuesday 5th October

Tuesday 5^th October

Today was not a good day. I woke this morning feeling really good, my arms and leg were hurting but I thought it was the work I did with Sophie, yesterday. I made my way, with my gorgeous catheter handbag to the toilet and did what is normal to do. Yeah!

Back to the bed I noticed I had leaked lots through the night, the sheets were covered and my gown was soaked too. Val and Robbie came in to remove my bandages so Mr Valham could have a look. As soon as they began to cut through the arm bandages I knew something was wrong, it smelt so bad.

I looked at Vals face as the bandages were pulled away and it was confirmed, something was wrong. Words like soft, leakage, infected were bandied around the room I looked at my wounds and they were pink and wet, with long strings of skin hanging from them. They stunk, a sweet but wrong smell!

Mr Valham came in and again his eyes showed disappointment, more words IV antibiotics, extended stay, not good, were thrown in to the pot. My mood plummeted and I realised I was going to be here for a long time.

Val removed the last of my bandages; my donor sight bandage was wet and bloody and made me gasp with pain as it was pulled from my leg.

Val took me into the bathroom, the chair they use to help you get in and out of the bath is really clever, “this might hurt a bit when your lowered into the water Shannon”. It did, but it felt good too. I lay in the bath, bits of my body literally falling into the water around me, dabbing at the wounds, trying to get them clean, each dab a little pull of pain, not a great big pain, just a sharp one. Hair washed, body given a final cleansing shower wash. All need for privacy gone, I just wanted to be clean.

Robbie did my bandages; I lay on the bed trying to move my body into the best position possible for them to do what they needed to do. Orimorph easing my physical pain, nothing helping my thoughts and brooding, my body isn’t healing. More time till I get home to my baby.

The rest of the afternoon passed in a blur of Orimorph, more drugs please, yes Im hurting. I cried, after dropping a book on the floor, I couldn’t get to it. My body wouldn’t work. I cried and cried, silent tears.

Mum and dad come with sparkley water, kisses and tired faces. We talked about me staying in for longer, “we can cope, just get better”. They are so good to me; I want to get better to stop their pain. I want to not be here, but I am. Today is not a good day.

Monday 4th October

It’s been a hard, but good day. I’ve walked up and down the corridor with Sophie twice and finally got some good movement from my left arm. This morning Carole, who is very gentle, washed my back, legs and under my right arm, all the bits I can’t reach, but I managed to do the rest. It was a real sense of achievement! The rest of the day I spent sitting up in my chair or doing Sofies exercises. My chest is now much clearer than it was; I’m off the horrible nebuliser.

Mum, Dad and Dylan visited, mum looks so bloody tired, tearful admission that she is really tired and feel like she is struggling to cope. She is doing so much; I’m worried it’s going to be too much!!! But my mam is my mam and she will do things her way – gods love her, even if it kills her.

She had brought me in some big pants and a vest top, cant wait to get into them after my bath tomorrow. Mum and dads tiredness makes me realise how lucky I am to have them in my life. For although they are both frazzled they come and visit, bringing kisses and hugs full of warmth and love, They also bring Dylan, who is fascinated by the moving bed, tonight he fixed it along with my catheter! The things that child will play with!

After they left I felt my tummy rumble and decided to make my own way to the toilet. Getting up is hard, the pain in my leg sometimes takes my breath away, its like little fire works going off all up my leg. But in a hobble swing motion I managed to get to the toilet and get sat down. Hoorah! We had movement – a proper pooh!!!! Having done this all by myself I went for the last step in the process and managed to get my bum wiped. Back in bed the lovely Andrea came in to ask if I needed anything, told her my good news and she was over the moon. Its Andreas birthday on Wednesday, I must ask mum to get something for her.

It’s taken me an hour to type this out and I’m shattered, each small movement sending a little pain into my arms and legs, but it’s a good pain, a healing pain. I can’t wait for my bath tomorrow!

House Fire

I'm in hopspital following a house fire.

It was awful and Im trying to deal, not only with the idea of loosing everything in my world, but of dealing wiht the physical pain.

Just to list the injuries, so in future weeks and months I dont ever forget how lucky I am.

Resuscitated 3 times

Lung damage - may cause scaring

Broken bone in my back, luckily Im told, its just a static one, so just have to be careful

Broken ribs x 3

Lacerations to chest and right arm - dealt with by the plastic surgery team

Burns to my right leg, right arm, left arm - dealt with by the burns surgery team, grafts applied from my left leg.

Light burns and lacerations to my face, back, legs (nothing serious).

Muscle damage to neck, shoulders, legs.

All in all, after being blown out of an upper storey window, the general concensus is Im doing bloody well to be here. I hurt like hell, but the morphine is great and the staff are even better.

Hellooooo

tap, tap.

Is anybody there. I know its been a while since Ive been on, but it doesnt seem to be anything out of the norm. I thought it was "once a blogger, always a blogger"....

Anyway, we have been to birthday parties, got sick, I have cleaned house, dirtied the house, done washing, ironed washing, got sick, brought some new furniture, got rid of some old furniture, went to some more birthday parties, got sick, finished Sing and Sign for another term, I start again on April the 19th. So was really looking forward to the holidays, spending some time with Dylan without feeling bug ridden, catching up with friends and generally just doing the usual stuff. But now I discover Im booked up again for a week, admin, bank manager visits, Dr visits....

The usual crap.

Me, Im doing mediocre. Im doing what I need to and nothing more. This is not a bad thing. Ive come to the decision that Im probably doing too much. Do not snigger!

More to come. Even if no one is reading or blogging.....

Dylans party took place at Kiki's cabin. It was mad, we had play, food, a magician and a chocolate fountain. It was ultimately fun and Dylan had a totally fab day, which in years to come he will no doubt forget and when he is slamming doors at 16 screaming "you never let me have a party" (do 16yr olds have parties?) I will sit trembling in the corner of the living room thinking I did!

It was a great day and Ive got lots and lots of pictures to remind me of this happy time.

Not that Im not thinking the future wont have happy times, Im in a good place right now. But just in case this blog and the pictures sum it up.

Its been 4, FOUR, years.

Yes I mean it! And bless me for saying this what a four years!

I woke on Wednesday morning, without the little bloke, he was at his dads. And I thought, my god this time four years ago I was screaming for drugs! So what has changed!

Ive taken on my own business, my house was burnt down and rebuilt, I lost my licence for drink driving, went through a major depression and climbed, with help from good friends and my family from a very deep whole.

Im still crawling along the ground, and at times it feels like nothing has got any better, but they are the times when I allow myself to I crawl back into the whole and weep, then I find myself sitting in the dark, and I think.... "bugger me" and I climb back out and rejoice in what I have, who I have!

Im still finding it hard to contact friends I ran away from, if your one of them I will call, those I have managed to get back in touch with, thank you for being on the end of the phone when Im drunk and your asleep. Life does go on, it does, and is getting better.

Everyone I know seems to have gone through some sort of "shit" this last year, so Im here, wishing you and everyone you love a fantastic 2010. Raise your glass with me and say, "This year, it can only get better".

From me to you, loving life and feeling like its all change, its all good, now where is that wine glasss!!!!!!!