Lovely Weekend in London.

Just when I felt really down this weekend came along. I wasnt sure whether I was going to actually do it. But I forced myself to pack my bag and headed off to the airport.

Dylan and I flew down to Standstead. When we were waiting in the loby I saw looks of horror pass over several passengers faces "Oh no, we have a baby on board - but he was a total star and slept through most of the flight, after flirting with the air hostesses. We stayed the night with Jayney and Joe - who were lovely. Joe cooked for us and we went for a fab walk in the morning. Dylan slept in a drawer! So cute but I didnt get a picture - loosing my touch!

Jayney dropped us off and we caught the train into London to meet H. It was the first time H has met the wee man and they got on like a house on fire. They had a great time playing Peek-a-boo.


In his Nappy and happy at Aunty Hx's

In fact she was the first person he waved at - Yes hes waving!!! Think the mentality level was about on par (don't mean it Hooch). He crawled into every corner investigating the new space - Hx's floor has never been so clean.

Sadly Keefe came way too soon to take Dylan away to meet his side of the family. Before I sobbed H had sipped a glass of happy juice into my hand and told me to pluck her eyebrows. Distraction being the best form of defense!

After dressing and applying slap we headed off to Graemes 50th bash at the Tower of London, we had a lovely evening doing what the Hooch and I do best. Met up with Marcelle and met some lovely folks. The evening passed in a flow of drinks and chat. Foot sore and all drank out and taxi ordered, Marci joined us and we headed back to Hx's.

Saturday morning H left us to go gas soldiers and Marcie and I waffled the afternoon and evening away.


Aunty Marci and Dylan.

Catching up with Hx and Marci was lovely and filled me with a sense of strength I've definitely felt lacking over the last months. Feeling as low as I have been has made me realise how much I miss my friends. I know that even alone as I am I'm no longer lonely.

Depression

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse it did. Monday I crashed - big time. I broke a cup and everything crumbled. I found myself lying on the floor sobbing my heart out inconsolable.

I finally picked up the phone and called Sheila, my health visitor. She came round within the hour - obviously stressed by my sobbing - and we talked. Or rather she talked I mumbled, cried and cried some more.

She made an appointment for me to see my Doctor, who was very lovely and very understanding, but who told me I was not just depressed I was, after completing the becks test, seriously depressed - one step up, or is that down, from clinically depressed.

He prescribed citralopan and signed me off work for 3 weeks, with the warning that I could be off for a lot longer and to prepare myself for that eventuality.

Admitting I'm not coping has come hard. I'm really scared that depression will allow Keefe to take Dylan - can I be charged incapable? Will he understand? Shiela says this won't/can't happen, but what if it does. Dylan is the only thing right now that is keeping me sane! I'm scared that if I let go I will loose myself.

Failing, failing, failing.....

Today was probably one of the lowest days of my life for a long time. I woke this morning before Dylan woke and attempted to express – ½ an ounce again. I felt so despondent. I attempted (as the book suggested) to get Dylan to feed from me an hour later but he wasn’t interested, actually gagging and arching his back.

I loaded him up in the car and drove to mums. I could feel the tears starting to well up as I took him inside. Mum obviously didn’t know what was up and I ended running from the house in tears, without even kissing Dylan goodbye.

I feel like my body has rejected Dylan and he in turn has rejected me. I know its stupid but I can’t help it. I’ve tried so hard to get breast feeding right, we struggled at the start and I thought we were just hitting the easy part. But now I think its coming to an end. And that scares me. Will Keefe now feel its okay to take the little bloke away from me, he doesn’t need me after all. Will Dylan and I still have special mommie time!

I hate my body. I hate that Im still struggling to master breast feeding. I hate that I feel Im not feeding my baby!

Why?!?!

I keep trying but its not working. I’ve expressed every three hours on the hour for 30 mins, 15 mins on each breast doing 5 mins and then swapping, desperately attempting to stimulate the milk flow but its not increasing and Im so worried that my milk is drying up.

Dylan seems happy to feed from me at night but through the day he will only suckle for a min or two and then he is off looking for something else to entertain him. I can’t help feeling that if my milk does dry up going back to work has caused it. Expressing obviously hasn’t stimulated the production enough and Im feeling a bit…like … a failure.

Todays high light came in the form of a visit from Gemma, Aaron and Jonathan.



Gemma always makes me smile – she is so confident and the bond between her and Aaron is so strong. When I was a little low today I reminded myself that Gemma didn’t breast feed Aaron so obviously breastfeeding doesn’t affect the bond between mum and baby.

I know its wrong of me to feel like breast feeding is what creates the bond because its obvious from others who haven’t breast fed that this isn’t so, but I just feel like my body is letting my down - my breasts have failed me!

Call me Moo!

Dylan woke four times last night, Im knackered. I only expressed twice, after the 12.30 feed and the 5.40 feed. He seemed to feed for longer periods at the 2am and 3.40am feed – in fact I think for the 2am feed he fed for about 15 mins, longer than he has done for ages. Does this mean he was just hungry or was he responding to the expressing?

Spent the day basically doing a cow impersonation! I really feel tied to the breast pump and I have to say that it’s not showing any positive results, still only expressing a ½ ounce each time.

Celebrating and Expressing

So this is my plan for the weekend. With Keefe away in London and Mum and Dad over in Cumbria its just me and Dylan, so Im going to feed him on demand and express every three hours. I’ve done loads of reading on the Internet and its “suggested” that this is the way to increase my milk supply.

Annette, Orla, Ruth and Josh joined me and we had cake and champagne (one glass only please we are breast feeding mommies) to celebrate Ruth’s birthday. Its lovely seeing the girls and Dylan always seems to enjoy the companies of the other babies.




Orla and Dylan

I fed Dylan as and when he needed it, but he generally didn’t want to feed that much from me through the day. Although that said, he loved the beef stew I made last night. Ruth was also feeding Josh so we got some yummy pics.


Josh and some carrots

It was totally fantastic to be able to bathe Dylan tonight; we both got naked and splashed in the bath for ages.



Dylan giggled his way through the evening, I read to him and we lay on the floor playing.

I started the evening out how I meant to progress I fed Dylan at 7pm ( he usually gets an expressed bottle) and then expressed right afterwards – emptying out each breast. But even with the additional feed and expressing the 10pm expressing yielded no more than another ½ an ounce. Having had such a good “yield” of milk prior to working this is so disheartening but Im hoping that all this extra expressing will boost the supply.

Reverse Cycling - Something new to deal with!

Definitely think something is going wrong with my milk. Dylan has been waking most nights now three, if not four times, demanding to be fed. It's not even as if he is feeding for a long time. Generally about 6 mins but he will not be settled with anything but a feed.

I had a chat with my Health visitor and she suggested Dylan might be reverse cycling, stopping his intake of fluid through the day and feeding at night. It's a comfort based thing ~ he misses his mommie!!!



I've never heard of this before, but its a bit of a relief. I thought this was it for me and breast feeding. Although its been hard it has created such a fantastic bonding between me and the little man.

I would never judge anyone for not breast feeding but Im so glad Ive managed to keep on with it. Times gone by I've hated my breasts but this was what they were meant for and Im really proud of myself to have stuck with it this long.


Does that sound conceited? I hope not!

Milk Drying Up?

Arghhh – just not sure what the hell is happening. I’ve been expressing at work and its not been particularly easy, I don’t feel comfortable doing it but I’ve managed to get quite a good yield up till now. I haven’t been expressing as regularly as I probably should and this is now the second day that Ive noticed my milk has dropped from about three or four ounces each session to an ounce or two.

Its not really a problem – I don’t think - but Im going to keep an eye on it. Im a bit worried that with Dylan not feeding as often and me not expressing as often as I should my milk could be drying up!

Keeping Busy

Dylan spent the day with Keefe so I felt the need to fill my day with something productive and look what I did.



I built this Merchants Chest all by myself. I cannot begin to tell you how proud of my little self I am.

Keefe had to shave a bit off each end to get it to fit in the alcove. He also reminded me that I could have avoided the tired arms because I had an electric screwdriver in the cupboard – I like to think of it as time earned pain!