Da Boy Returns

Life pre-Dylan used to be filled with a whole range of activities and plans that would fill up my weekends and months. I used to do AM-Dram - three of four shows per year - or go for long walks with friends just to climb a hill or see a waterfall. I was even pretty good at squash. I regularly went to the theatre and cinema and would sit and debate its merits or would sit and TV fest with friends at the weekend a box set a crate of wine and nibbles to while away the hours without a care. I could quite happily lie in the bath for hours, with my toe knocking on the hot tap to fill it up to the perfect temperature, whilst I escaped into a book.

So when Dylan went away with his Dad to visit his family down in London last Friday, knowing he was going for a whole week, I had big plans, it sounded like bliss but the truth is I actually found it quite hard!

"WHY?" I hear so many mums shout out, baths uninteruppted, eating what ever and when ever you want - or even not at all, lie ins and undisturbed nights, it was bliss and whilst I enjoyed all of the above including coffee, chats and catch ups with friends I felt empty at times as if I was missing something.

I managed to lie in the bath for a whole 15 minutes, bubbles, candles a book, but I got bored, feeling there was something else I should be doing. I spent the whole day reading a book Ive wanted to read for ages, nanna napping and then just reading again. The luxury of this was hedonistic but I found I couldn't sleep that night at all! I went for walks along the beach, taking the time to walk in the sea and feel the sand between my toes, there was just me, my flip flops and no other bags loaded with suncream, spare clothes, balls, bubbles and towels needed. It was a wee bit lonely.  I didn't know what to do, what I wanted to do!

At 9 1/2 Dylan is becoming more independent and wants to do his own thing, which generally means playing on his xbox shouting at his friends about games I barely understand. He is starting to want to be left on his own and not go shopping with me, or play!

And that thought this week has made me spin. That I wont be needed in the same way I am now! It made me think about what I will do when he is doing his thing, whatever that may be. I don't sew or knit, I don't have any social clubs or groups I attend. Life has pretty much, for the last 9 1/2 years, been all about Dylan and this week I've had to think about what Shannon likes - who is she - and the answer today is I really dont know.

What I do know is that when Dylan came home yesterday and he run into my arms for a huge hug my body felt right and even relieved. When he crept into my bed for a snuggle at 1 this morning I simply pulled him into my arms and hugged him, inhaling his boy smell, it really is only a smell a mother can love!.

Ive a few more years of being jumped on and tickle fights being demanded, of snuggle nights and attempting to figure out whether its the x, y or b button on the xbox control that makes me jump whilst he giggles his head off because "mum cant jump". Im looking forward to the watching my wee hooligan grow, to help him make the right choices, to nag him when needed and yes even scream at him when required!

But I'm also looking forward to finding time for me, for discovering new hobbies and maybe even managing to stay in the bath for longer than 15 minutes!

He' Leaving on a jet plane

Well actually its in the car with his dad. But Dylan is going down to London for a week and whilst I know Im going to miss my wee hooligan Ive got a whole week on my own. Im used to having nights without him there as he stays with his dad on a regular basis, but a week, 7 days, 168hrs of dealing with just myself!

I have no idea what Im going to do but lie in's and long baths, catching up on box sets and meeting up with friends for coffee or drinks will be a feature Im sure!

If you see me around and I'm wearing a silly satisfied smile do forgive me :)

Erm, its been a while!

Well, back to blogging, back to writing my feelings down and trying to figure out where life is and what I do with it.

Im not sure why Im here, it used to be a regular thing, maybe it can become something more, maybe I will write this one post and not come back again, but Im think Im ready to go forth into the blogging life, to share my tribulations, my tears, my joy.

Three years since my last blog - its a long time and it makes me nervous to expose myself in this way, but Im stronger than I was, more myself and I have and can find the time.

This is the beginning of what used to be my life, again!

Its been so long

and I'm still here whining about being unhappy and sad. Sometimes I look over the months and years that have passed and I wish to god someone would come and kick me up the arse, just say get over it...

But its not that easy and the solution is never really abuse of any sort.

Tonight I made a resolution, I know its not the new year, but one can have an epiphany any time of the year, to write this shit out. To acknowledge that its happening, to speak to my future self. Maybe I will read this in years to come and know the answers.... maybe I will be still asking the same questions, but my blog will become my daily reminder that things can get bad, but they hopefully wont get worse!

Its Dylans birthday on the 3rd of March, he is 6. I know its a cliche but I really do wonder where the time has gone.

Last night we were "discussing" the plans for his birthday party.

Its a pirate theme, unbeknownst to him I have organised for Captain Raggy Beard to come and join us. He was pretty specific about certain things

1. No girls!
2. he has invited 8 friends, 8 is a good pirate number.
3. He wants a cake in the shape of a treasure map - thanks to Becka Seal I can provide this.
4. He wants games, several we made up last night, I'm not sure I remember to rules to "blow up the shark" but I'm hoping Capn. R. Beard will be entertain him enough to forget this one.
5. He wants a plank, for adults (who have to also come dressed up) to walk when they are being naughty!
6. He wants a shark - I put my foot down on this one, we settled for stuffed crocodiles!
7. Oh, did he mention NO GIRLS!

Then this morning, after talking to Becks about the cake I went in to let him know the treasure map would be ok. "hmm mummy" he said, "perhaps we should have invited Mia and Alex, Alex would be a good pirate boy." 

"Ok", said I, "but Mia is a girl and you definitely said no girls".

Deep thought ensued, then his face lit up with his 'Ive got it smile'. "Thats ok mummy, cause she will come with cake".

Boys!

Sleep really is the answer to all my problems.

I've had two nights of drug induced sleep, and I'm not saying this works for everyone, but I feel great. This week, my week off from Sing and Sign, I've had a cold, a sore throat, an ear infection and generally felt like a piece of chewing gum on the bottom of someone's shoes.

Dylan left for Keefe's on Wednesday, and I spent the day cleaning - just the usual household chores. I could have done something wonderful like walking along the beach, going into Northumberland, read a book that enlightened me, but life still goes on and my floors really did need cleaning.

So one Wednesday night I combined two tablets I've been prescribed to help me sleep, but were not working on their own and bam! - sleep!, 9 hours of sleep. No dreaming, no flashbacks, no pondering on the minutiae of life at 3am in the morning. I woke yesterday morning and found that I had some energy, something I've been missing in the mornings. Once again I chose to ignore the wonders of outside and did the ironing, yeah I know, but I like ironing so it was a bit of a stress buster for me.

The day passed with my ear ache recurring and I cancelled a Sing and Sign class, it made me feel crap, so to boost my mood I changed the beds, cleaned my windows and scrubbed the bathroom till it sparkled. Then I run a really hot bath, took my drugs and read for an hour... no sleep. I read for a further hour and then I woke up this morning at 3.30. Turned off the light, put down my book and then went back to sleep. I woke again at 7.15 and since then I've not stopped. But I did sit down just now with a bacon omelette a cup of coffee and listened to the radio! Kairos moments!

Sleep oh Sleep, where art though sleep!

Its been three weeks now and Im running on empty. I go to bed at a sensible time, following a nice bath, I dont eat before I go to bed. I have a cool room, and Im fairly relaxed. I read, nothing too thought provoking or taxing on my brain.

And I fall to sleep!

All well and good, yes!

No!

Somewhere between 1 and 1.30am I wake up. Im wide awake, not just sleepy awake that comes with needing the toilet or hearing a strange noise. Not even dream/flashback awake, recovering from burning again. But wide  awake. I stay wide awake till somewhere between 4.28 and 4.32, yes somewhere between those four crusical minutes my brain shuts down and Im asleep again.

Which would be great if Dylan didnt wake up between 5.45 and 6.30.

Im running on empty, Im crabby, Im resorting to drinking - although its not so much a resort as a way of living now. But Im making mistakes, stupid ones that impact on my daily life. Not being able to find the keys, that I had put in the door. Forgetting to call people back, or calling people back when I had just spoke to them. Or the best one by far, walking round the house all night being quiet so as not to wake Dylan and being able to assist my neighbour at night time because Dylan was in bed. Then going up stairs to say goodnight to him, and remembering that he was at my mum and dads.

Im going to make an appointment to see the Dr. Its not normal, its not how I want to be, I want a tablet! Several nights of tablets. I want to wake up with the Disney birds and butterflys chirping me awake! It used to be like that, why did it change?

Heaven

Just had a conversation with Dylan and his friend Michael about Heaven.

Apparently you go there when your dead. Right!

You can stay there for 100 weeks and then come back if your really good.

You meet your family who is deaded and only really angry people go to bad heaven!

Looks like I might be going to bad heaven!

Thanks Steven. Im so far away from this its like comparing chalk to cheese.

But it did make me laugh!

Tap, Tap, Tap

Hello the world.

This used to be something I did to try and figure stuff out. It used to be a way of venting and procrastinating and generally keeping in touch.

My counsellor says I should write things down, so I'm writing. It may not get better than this, but I am going to attempt to update the last 9 months, some will be diary entries I wrote in the hospital, some will be stuff I wrote since.....since the second fire, since hospitalisation, since depression, since getting better....

That's a lot to blog. But hopefully some of it will make sense.

Ahh the Summer Holiday.

They come round each year and each year we look at them with trepidation, joy and lets face it panic.

Six weeks of your child at home, six weeks of entertaining them, of cleaning up after them, attempting to appease fights "Im not your friend anymore" and ensuring that they still have a routine of sorts, eat well and dont drive you into crazy mummie screaching and threats of "Your grounded till Christmas".

We have had some lovely play dates, which generally ended with a very tired Dylan screaming that he hated who ever he was playing with and "I never want to see them again". Joy!

He has had friends from the estate in to play and wreak havoc on the house.

Sometimes its a joy and yes, sometimes it isn't.

We visited Shaun and Joji

and went to a farm - Walby Farm which was fun, especially getting lost in the Maize Maze.

We climbed hills

Chillaxed

and Rock Scrambled.

It was a lovely couple of days, but Dylan was wearisome and made things hard. Why doesnt he appreciate days out, or play dates. I question if he gets too much, are we spoiling him with love?

On our departure he wouldn't kiss Shaun and Joji goodbye, I knew this was really because he didn't want to say goodbye, but it made me so mad. He seemed so unappreciative of all that had been done for him, so rude! I found myself in the car reading him the riot act "There are lots of children who didn't get to go to a farm, or weren't taken out, you don't appreciate anything, that's it, next week you get nothing, no trips to the park, no friends over" - yadda, yadda.

He fell asleep, tears staining his face and I screamed at myself "He's Five"....

Its not getting better

Ive not written anything since I wrote my good bye list. It was simple to do, but since writing it Ive cried - yeah, finally cried, without alcohol, I cried in Bridies councelling session, snot streaming tear gasping crying.

But now I just get drunk, I've done a lot of that over the last couple of months. Silly drunk, angry drunk, bloody stupid dangerous drunk!

I'm snappish and angry, I want to scream at myself because I was doing so well and now I feel like I'm not. I feel like I'm drowning in my own self pity. Consumed by heat, I want to burn away to see what is left, who is left.

I told mum yesterday about looking at my burns and feeling repulsed. Repulsed at my own body. Not in a "god I'm fat", which I am, but in a "that makes me feel sick to look at, to touch!" We talked about her experience on the burns unit when she had her cancer, she seemed to get it, but then she looked at me with what seemed "Shame" in her eyes. "Shame" I'm not bigger and dealing with this better? Shame I cant get on with life and accept what I am, I don't know... but it was "Shame!"

Saying Goodbye.

Bridie has suggested that I write a list of all the things I lost in the fire, to say good bye, to mourn them. Its not definitive but

• George - ugly though you were, I loved you
• Letters from Keefe, Jayson, James, Darren - the ability to recall memories from these letters.
• Pictures and mementos from travelling
• Wedding photos, my dress, wedding file, cards, memorabilia of the day.
• Diaries from school
• Dylan's diary
• Records, tapes, CD's, DVDs Music that helped me define special times and memories
• Jamie's picture "on the beach"
• Jewellery - from travels, friends, my wedding rings, opals and pearls.
• Dylan's memory box, hair, hand prints, scan pictures
• Shane's boxes from Iraq.
• Things mum gave me from Nana and things from her which were supposed to be passed down and treasured.
• Skinny jeans - I've never found a pair that fit so well. My wedding shoes, the silly dress I wore to Bev's 40th Party, the memories it evoked.
• Christmas decorations, especially the ones for Dylan's first Christmas

The list could go on, the insurance claim is about 9 pages long to date, but its not the "stuff" that gets used daily, its the stuff that I looked at and it evoked a smile, a memory, a flash back to somewhere else, that isn't here and isn't now!

Tired

Down, Down, Down, I'm just sleeping now. Sing and Sign has finished. The term was hard, but I got through, found movement a problem at times but dredged up the energy to do the classes, limited though they have been and I got through.

There is stuff to do and I'm totally aware of loosing control of the little control I had, but I cant find the motivation to do. Dylan has gone away with Keefe and I'm on my own.

I'm really glad he has gone away, am I allowed to say that! He whines at me and I scream at him, he wants to play and I'm bored. He wakes at 5.30 am and I'm so bloody tired.

Tired, that sums me up. Tired of me, tired of life, tired of trying to be strong, happy, capable. I'm tired of being tired.

I'm just bloody tired of it all!

Snow - I hate snow

Its snowed now for what seems like forever. The cold seeps into me and makes my leg and arm hurt like hell. Its pins and needles and bone weary. I feel like I do nothing but talk about how much I hurt or ache. Stuff is happening and Im missing it!

Mum was crying this afternoon because her back ached. I asked if I could help, knowing I couldn't, but wanted to try. She just sat and cried and I held her. I still cant cry, I want to cry but am scared that if I let go I wont be able to find my way back.

I went to see Dylan's nativity at school. I couldn't see him most of the time, but I was aware as I sat there watching this scene unfold before me that I should be feeling something, there should be pride or happiness, but I'm detached. Its not that I'm not present I just feel uninvolved. I need to talk to Bridie as I feel as if slowly I'm eroding away. Becoming nothing more than wounds and pain. Not great pain, like before just constant aching pain that never seems to go away. Nothing matters, nothing takes me totally out of this ache.

Do you know me?

Who am I? What do I like?

I cant sleep and I got up so not to disturb anyone in the house. Sat in the dark, the sky grey and a strange light spreading over the room it dawned on me that I have nothing that says who I was, who I have been. If I left tonight with all that I own now and went to somewhere where no one knew me how would I show who I am.

Sitting in the blackness I try to find who I am. Who is Shannon, my only defining role is that of mummy! Is that all I am?

Trying to get out of the doghouse

In an effort to remove myself from the dog house I got up early this morning, did the ironing, tidied the kitchen and entertained Dylan, ensuring he didnt go upstairs and wake mum or dad.

I felt really tired after doing this, but I kept myself going, out of pure spite really. I know I was wrong to stay out and mix alcohol and tablets, to not let them know where I was, but Im 40 not 14 and I have to have the ability to make these choices.

That said, I do feel like and idiot for the way I behaved, who the hell was I trying to impress, it certainly will have made an impression but possibly not the type of impression I wanted to make.

Drugs + Alcohol = the doghouse!

On the upside, things I can do this week that I couldnt do last week.

• Walk up and down stairs without pulling myself up on the banister
• Wash and dry my hair.

Yeah for getting better, now how do I change my thinking!!!

In the Dog House.

Oh my, last night I went round to Rebecca's house. The pretense was a book sale. I behaved like a total idiot, flashed my burns, as if it was something special, something to be proud of!

I eventually rolled in at 3am and totally pissed mum and dad off. Definitely reverted to the sixteen year old child I have been.

This morning I fled the house with Dylan, finding refuge at Rebecca's. Then I ran to Tracy Scotts house, it was the first time I had really talked to her and I really felt that we could become friends. She's really open and what you see is what you get.

Returning to the house I got read the riot act. Selfish, thoughtless behaviour. Dad had walked the streets thinking I was lying somewhere dead. It was stupid of me to mix alcohol and tablets, selfish, stupid, careless....

Keefe took Dylan away for the night and I retreated to my bedroom, introspective and hurt. I behaved like an idiot, shamed myself, worried and angered my parents - who the hell am I?

Reiki and Sympathy

Im finding mornings really hard. Getting myself up is hard enough, but getting Dylan up, doing breakfast and getting him to school is quite frankly rough! The School is only a couple of minutes walk away and getting there is ok, the walk back though hurts.

In the play ground this morning one of the other mums was really upset. Post natal depression struck and she ended up in tears. It was so nice to be able to offer sympathy and support to someone else. A hug and an understanding smile meant so much.

David had organised for me to have some Reiki sessions with a friend of his, Nina. Totally unaware of how it works or what it is, but I felt wonderfully relaxed.

Mum and I are still treading on egg shells, but at least it got rid of some of the tension that has been building up. Dad is still questioning everything I do, or don't do. And whilst I'm finding it totally frustrating I understand that he is doing it because he wants me to motivate myself, I just don't want to motivate myself today. Please don't make me!!!

Rowed with Mum

Well mum and I finally came to a head to day. We had a bloody awful row. It started off with me bad mouthing dad because he constantly getting on my back, mum had said that he was moaning at her for the amount of time I spent in bed. 5 minutes later we were screeching at each other, I was leaving (where to I had no idea) she wanted me to leave because I was self and she had been doing everything for me for the last 8 weeks and I didn't appreciate how hard it was on her.

She cried, I screamed, we eventually hugged. But the crux is I'm selfish. Can I change this thinking - Bridie, over to you!!!