Its not getting better

Ive not written anything since I wrote my good bye list. It was simple to do, but since writing it Ive cried - yeah, finally cried, without alcohol, I cried in Bridies councelling session, snot streaming tear gasping crying.

But now I just get drunk, I've done a lot of that over the last couple of months. Silly drunk, angry drunk, bloody stupid dangerous drunk!

I'm snappish and angry, I want to scream at myself because I was doing so well and now I feel like I'm not. I feel like I'm drowning in my own self pity. Consumed by heat, I want to burn away to see what is left, who is left.

I told mum yesterday about looking at my burns and feeling repulsed. Repulsed at my own body. Not in a "god I'm fat", which I am, but in a "that makes me feel sick to look at, to touch!" We talked about her experience on the burns unit when she had her cancer, she seemed to get it, but then she looked at me with what seemed "Shame" in her eyes. "Shame" I'm not bigger and dealing with this better? Shame I cant get on with life and accept what I am, I don't know... but it was "Shame!"