Da Boy Returns

Life pre-Dylan used to be filled with a whole range of activities and plans that would fill up my weekends and months. I used to do AM-Dram - three of four shows per year - or go for long walks with friends just to climb a hill or see a waterfall. I was even pretty good at squash. I regularly went to the theatre and cinema and would sit and debate its merits or would sit and TV fest with friends at the weekend a box set a crate of wine and nibbles to while away the hours without a care. I could quite happily lie in the bath for hours, with my toe knocking on the hot tap to fill it up to the perfect temperature, whilst I escaped into a book.

So when Dylan went away with his Dad to visit his family down in London last Friday, knowing he was going for a whole week, I had big plans, it sounded like bliss but the truth is I actually found it quite hard!

"WHY?" I hear so many mums shout out, baths uninteruppted, eating what ever and when ever you want - or even not at all, lie ins and undisturbed nights, it was bliss and whilst I enjoyed all of the above including coffee, chats and catch ups with friends I felt empty at times as if I was missing something.

I managed to lie in the bath for a whole 15 minutes, bubbles, candles a book, but I got bored, feeling there was something else I should be doing. I spent the whole day reading a book Ive wanted to read for ages, nanna napping and then just reading again. The luxury of this was hedonistic but I found I couldn't sleep that night at all! I went for walks along the beach, taking the time to walk in the sea and feel the sand between my toes, there was just me, my flip flops and no other bags loaded with suncream, spare clothes, balls, bubbles and towels needed. It was a wee bit lonely.  I didn't know what to do, what I wanted to do!

At 9 1/2 Dylan is becoming more independent and wants to do his own thing, which generally means playing on his xbox shouting at his friends about games I barely understand. He is starting to want to be left on his own and not go shopping with me, or play!

And that thought this week has made me spin. That I wont be needed in the same way I am now! It made me think about what I will do when he is doing his thing, whatever that may be. I don't sew or knit, I don't have any social clubs or groups I attend. Life has pretty much, for the last 9 1/2 years, been all about Dylan and this week I've had to think about what Shannon likes - who is she - and the answer today is I really dont know.

What I do know is that when Dylan came home yesterday and he run into my arms for a huge hug my body felt right and even relieved. When he crept into my bed for a snuggle at 1 this morning I simply pulled him into my arms and hugged him, inhaling his boy smell, it really is only a smell a mother can love!.

Ive a few more years of being jumped on and tickle fights being demanded, of snuggle nights and attempting to figure out whether its the x, y or b button on the xbox control that makes me jump whilst he giggles his head off because "mum cant jump". Im looking forward to the watching my wee hooligan grow, to help him make the right choices, to nag him when needed and yes even scream at him when required!

But I'm also looking forward to finding time for me, for discovering new hobbies and maybe even managing to stay in the bath for longer than 15 minutes!