Well I'm blue, in fact I'm more than blue, I'm in a deep blue funk. And as much as I want to stop I cant, Ive lost it, lost the ability to communicate, lost the ability to see what is right and what is not. Lost the ability to see lightness and can see only the dark places and they scare me.
Ive had a pretty good month - I know I'm going to be able to afford the sing and sign franchise, I performed in a play, Ive had my interview for work and feel fairly confident about having a job at the end of the process but for all this positive, the cloud sank slowly and I ran away from it, choosing to do nothing about it.
Well I didn't so much run as crawled into a corner and pulled the cover over my head. I'm hiding, I don't want to come out and face this world.
I guess with all the shit that I'm feeling, and I know it is just me feeling it, its not real, my real problem is that Dylan is bearing the brunt of my slide back into the darkness. I'm loosing control with him and I'm scared I'm going to end up hitting him, hurting him!
I'm loosing friends cause I cant talk to them, the answerphone takes all my calls and when I do eventually find the strength to talk I'm spiky, so I don't cause I don't like being spiky.
Its been coming for weeks, and Ive done nothing to stop it, in a way this is a safe place for me to be, I can fall into the emptiness, embrace it. I'm feeling brittle, like one more small shake and the world is going to shatter into a thousand pieces and I wont be able to come back.
Ah shit, what the hell am I doing...
1 comment:
Hugs.
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