Deep Breath....

Its been a real hard couple of months, but and I say this with some slight trepidation, I think I'm through the blue!

I'm now back in the smokey house, its lovely, clean, light and better than before, although I still wake some nights and listen carefully. Tracy has relieved some of my worries by talking me through the new electric codes and my new box is apparently tops.

I have boxes of stuff I forgot I have, and boxes of stuff I no longer need. I'm definitely a girl who needs little stuff. But even then I'm already filling cupboards with microwave poachers and bits and bobs that we don't really need but look cool.

The insurance is working through and final payments should be made soon. I'm thinking maybe Dylan and I need a holiday, maybe to Italy to see Marci, I don't know. I'm just thinking we deserve some "together time".

Sing and sign is taking off with great success, Ive already half my classes booked next term, and since the Council have deemed me redundant that's got to be a good thing. Official redundancy date is the 12th December. I'm scared that sing and sign will be my only income, but I think its achievable. Maybe!!!

Dylan is growing up so quickly, sometimes I wonder if this small human actually came from me. He has a beautiful personality that runs through chaos into genius via monster. He keeps me sane and sends me crazy all within the space of a few minutes.

I'm feeling a bit low today, even though Ive done two lovely sing and sign sessions this morning, so Ive brought myself a bottle of wine and I'm going to clean the floors, have a bath and go to bed. All in the next three hours. Yes I know its only 3.15, but I can, so I will.

That is what counselling has given me, its OK to do these things, as long as I'm truthful to myself and those I love. I also don't need to apologise for being sad when I am. So if Ive "ignored" you for a while, bear with me. Normal service will resume once Ive found my energy and zest. Tonight though, is mine for plebbing and wallowing in my new home.

W here to start...

I got done for drink driving following a night out with the girls, not cause I was driving particularly poorly, but because someone saw me getting into my car and reported me.

There is no justification for drink driving, I could have killed someone, but on this particular night I was 200 yards from my home when the police pulled me over.

Home but not safe!

It took 3 months before I went to court. It was horrible.

I went to see a probationer, who was very lovely, I ended up with an 18 month ban. Not half as bad as I had thought, in fact so much better than I could of hoped.

But what with the other stuff going on in life. I spent one Friday afternoon with several cans of beer, a bit of wine and a cocktail of tablets. Poor Helen was at the receiving end of my "this is it text". Yes suicide by txt!

I'm now seeing a councillor, its hard cause I have to deal with some stuff I don't want to deal with. My medication is being reviewed. Ive never felt quite this low. But all in all I'm better than I was, ill, but being treated. Sad but no longer suicidal. Stupid but no longer pathetic.

Ive also come to realise how truly blessed I am with family and friends, all of whom were appalled at my behaviour but so supportive. Without them I would not be here.

Other than the above crap, we've had some lovely days out.

We went to Ingrahm Valley with mum and dad, it was windy but fun.















































We visited Shaun and Joji and went to the farm












Milking Goats is fun






























As is making friends with sheep
























We played with friends


Ellen and Dylan

Orla and a Triceratops




Daisy and her boyfriend.


Even though Im not in a great place at the moment my main consolation is that Dylan is still having fun, I cant be such a bad mum after all!

What a week

Yes, I really do mean that.

On Wednesday 3rd June, I was woken by the fire alarm, beep, beep it went... Bugger went I! I dragged my ass from my bed and headed downstairs. In retrospect the air did smell funny, but what the fluck.

I opened the door to my living room and was engulfed by black smoke and heat. My skin felt alive! I ran back up stairs and then remembered Jezz, dads dog was in house, I called out for her, she barked. I ran back downstairs. She was hiding in the downstairs toilet. I grabbed her and ran back up the stairs; she bit me and headed back down the stairs.

Beep, beep, beep, beep went the alarm.

Coughing I headed into the bath room grabbed a towel, wet it and headed back down the stairs.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep went the alarm.

I couldn’t find her and the smoke was thick. I hit the downstairs alarm with a shoe; I didn’t want to wake the neighbours. The battery flew over my head and into darkness and smoke. I headed back upstairs and tried to phone the fire service.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep went the alarm.

No connection. The hand base was downstairs!

I banged on the walls; I opened the windows and screamed “FIRE”.

Coughing I ran into the hall and climbed up onto the banister and attacked the other fire alarm, the beep, beeping was doing my bloody head in; I knew there was a bloody fire. I headed into Dylan’s bedroom. Thank god he was off with mum and dad in Chester. I flung open the window and screamed.

Tracy, my next door neighbour came into the garden, she called up to me and I screamed “fire, call the police”.

“I’m calling the fire brigade”

For what seemed like hours we discussed the viability of me jumping. I didn’t want too. I would break my legs, I was wearing only knickers and a vest. I was scared. The smoke filled the room, and eventually I decided I was going to have to jump. My lungs were full and I was coughing black.

The fire engine came round the corner, lights flashing, before I knew it I was being guided down a ladder, my ass shown to the milkman and his dog. I was put in an ambulance and whisked away.

I spent the day in hospital, Keefe running round being a star (yes I did type that). I had serious carbon monoxide within my system and had to be on oxygen all day. The smell was horrible and as I eventually showered I sighed with relief.

My house downstairs is gutted, because of an asbestos risk I’ve lost all my pictures, Dylan’s toys and DVDs, the TV, the kitchen, oh god, everything.

But even with all that stuff gone I count myself blessed. This week Jane, the girl that owns the sing and sign franchise, has handed over the keys to one of her flats, I’ve had furniture brought to the house by friends, mum and dad spent an afternoon driving round picking up furniture from freecycle friends and I’m in new “special house”.

We weren’t going to tell Dylan about the fire. I thought it best to just tell him that we had got the decorators in. But he picked up on messages and mummy crying. So we told him there had been a fire, that Fireman Sam had had to help mummy down the ladder in her knickers ( he thought that was great). We told him that Bob the builder was going to fix the house and bring him lots of new toys. We took him to see the house. He thought it was dirty and smelly and much preferred his new special house!

It’s amazing how resilient he is! I’ve heard him asking friends if “their house it burn too”, but that is about it.

I’m fine, Dylan is fine, the house, well that’s not fine, but it will be and all the stuff, well its just stuff, stuff I’m sad to have lost but I would happily give up all that stuff to have me and Dylan existing on the basis of fine.

I keep thinking “better to be smoked than fried” so do me a favour tonight, before you go to bed check your fire alarms. They really do save lives.

Very Bad weekend.

I need to be shot. I cant even write it just yet. I'm stupid and a danger to the world.

Bad, bad, bad....

Urgh!

Hooch, thank you for my card, I will eventually find the power to call. Give me time!! Yes, more time please...

Tablets = Numb

Its been a week since I went to see Dr Mac and he gave me my happy pills, Ive gone through sickness, nausea and dizzy spells, Ive spent the weekend sat on the sofa doing nothing, not even drinking or eating.

I made it to sing and sign, and got through the classes but I'm numb. A haze is beginning to fall, at the moment I'm finding it peaceful. I went to be last night at 7.30 and slept till Dylan woke me at 5.45 (Arghhh in any one's world). I never sleep all night but I did last night.

This morning I just feel "outside" myself. I'm neither sad nor happy, neither angry or at peace. I can see good things, I can hear laughter, I can even join in, but I'm away from it.

I'm OK with this for now. The tablets will kick in properly in another week or so and an equilibrium will be restored. From there I can move forward to finding the me that I've become disassociated from.

"I'm fine".

Sad face

"Mummy, why is you got your sad face on" Said Dylan

"Cause mummy is sad Dylan, but its okay, she isn't sad at you"

Gently he reaches for me, his lips and nose covered in snot.

Kiss!

"There mummy, I kiss you and now you is happy!"

Ahhh if only it were this simple.

happy talking...

You got to have a dream, to make a dream come true....

Bad lyrics from a hyped 80's song. Although I kinda have a vague memory of my mum running through the dunes in Cornwall, throwing off her clothes and urging us to chase the fireflies - weird.

I've been to see the Dr, Im definately depressed, probably more unbalanced than the first time round. Ive had some really awful thoughts these last couple of weeks, Ive crawled around in the slime in my head and I dont like what I am. But that said I also realise that Im slightly off kilter of reality, of the real me. Which brings me back to the angst ridden question "who the hell am I".

Talk to my friends and Im one person for them, another for some one else. My family dont even know me, sometimes I think they dont want to know me. I am the vessle that produced the "grandson, the nephew", nothing more, but nothing less either.

I know everyone does this multiple personality thing, but Im wondering why. Are we protecting ourselfs, morphing into something to please, to hide, to decieve!

I cannot and will not give in to the thoughts in my head which tell me the world would be a better place without me. I know this is not true. But sometimes the whispers sound like truth and I have to admit that the possibility of just stopping for a while, not dealing, not caring sounds almost too good to be true.

May, May I...

Well I'm blue, in fact I'm more than blue, I'm in a deep blue funk. And as much as I want to stop I cant, Ive lost it, lost the ability to communicate, lost the ability to see what is right and what is not. Lost the ability to see lightness and can see only the dark places and they scare me.

Ive had a pretty good month - I know I'm going to be able to afford the sing and sign franchise, I performed in a play, Ive had my interview for work and feel fairly confident about having a job at the end of the process but for all this positive, the cloud sank slowly and I ran away from it, choosing to do nothing about it.

Well I didn't so much run as crawled into a corner and pulled the cover over my head. I'm hiding, I don't want to come out and face this world.

I guess with all the shit that I'm feeling, and I know it is just me feeling it, its not real, my real problem is that Dylan is bearing the brunt of my slide back into the darkness. I'm loosing control with him and I'm scared I'm going to end up hitting him, hurting him!

I'm loosing friends cause I cant talk to them, the answerphone takes all my calls and when I do eventually find the strength to talk I'm spiky, so I don't cause I don't like being spiky.

Its been coming for weeks, and Ive done nothing to stop it, in a way this is a safe place for me to be, I can fall into the emptiness, embrace it. I'm feeling brittle, like one more small shake and the world is going to shatter into a thousand pieces and I wont be able to come back.

Ah shit, what the hell am I doing...

March!

March has been somewhat of a high high, low low month. Dylan's birthday was lovely, but was somewhat marred by Shaun, my brother loosing his keys. His strop at the end of the party was pretty fantastic, although he was much cooler than he has been at times gone by, his anger still put a splot on the day.

Dylan has had various illnesses this month and the whole, ill thing was over ridden by mum going into hospital on the 3rd March for her triple heart op. It was all pretty traumatic, but after a couple of hard weeks she is now back on track and getting better with each day.

Ive had several run in's with Keefe, all down to the fact that he commits to something then lets me down. I'm trying a new approach, which is to hold him to his word. If he says he will be here for a set time, he gets 30 mins grace (several people have said this is too long, but its what I'm working with at the moment) then if he doesn't show up, I leave, change plans whatever. It seems to be working but maybe more on this later.

Ive also come off my lighter life diet. I lost 2 stone 3lbs. I felt fantastic but I wasn't really sticking with the program at the end, and whilst I didn't achieve as greatly as Hooch, it has helped me get back down to a manageable weight. I'm managing the eating with slimming world - its just nice to be able to eat something solid. I also do intend to loose the last 7-10lbs to get to my target weight. My friend Annette is monitoring my weight gain, telling me if I'm looking fat or not. Its good to have friends.

Actually Annette and I went through a pretty rough spot for a couple of weeks. I hit high sensitivity on a day she was hitting pregnancy paranoia and it wasn't pretty. Long story short she called me in, told me to account for myself, which I amazingly did, even if it took me a while to do it, and now we are back on track again, had an amazing breakfast with her this morning.

Work is shitville, I'm really not certain what is going to happen there, so I'm just keeping my head down and attempting to get on with whatever they throw at me, whilst dealing with the various illnesses and traumas of life.

Sing and sign is also weird, Jane has offered me the franchise, but each month the deal changes and its gone from affordable to almost out of my reach, I'm just going to have to wait and see what her final figure is to whether I can afford it. This is just one more of those things I'm not really dealing with very well.

Dylan and I have been going through a hard spot this last month, he has developed a personality and I cant deal with it. Actually its not that simple but I have quite often over this month totally lost it with him. He has spent more time in the naughty corner than I care to deal with. Ive actually put myself there once or twice, for my own atrocious behaviour. God, this parenting stuff, it just ain't easy is it?

Anyway, that's kind of my catch up. I will blog individual stuff later, but I just wanted to say, I am alive, I am reading your blogs - and loving them, and I am hoping to get in touch with many of you sooner, rather than later.

Happy Birthday Dylan.

Its been a really long time, I should have posted this ages ago, so for those of you who note that the date of posting and the day of release dont match, bug me not, please!!! I do intend to catch up, but... ahhh heck... you know the drill.

The party was great, as always I organised it from start to finish. Keefe turned up, helped Dylan to unwrap the presents, forgot to make a note of who gave what and then left at the end.

Despite that, it was a lovely day and so good to see him playing with his friends. Its amazing what a difference this year has made, but more on that later... ohhh so much more.

Anyway... here it is, my Birthday collage - yes I know its cheating but its cute!

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Ahhh - love him!!!

Potty Training...

Its a piece of piss....

EXCUSE ME - how can you get a piece of piss? It's runny, it goes all over the place, its uncontainable, especially is squirting from a small boys willie... its just never going to be a piece of something!

That rant done though, we, or rather Dylan, has finally mastered potty training. He has done so well and each time he gets there my heart sings with pride at the way my little man is developing.

I know I tried it last year, but really, I should have listened to everyone one else and just gone with my own instincts. Last year it was horrible, both Dylan and I felt like failures, cause the wee bloke just wasn't ready. It all comes down to peer pressure, everyone else seemed to have stopped using nappies, so why hadn't my child. So I forced the wee man to sit on the potty, I held him down, forcible (well maybe not) but at times I felt like it...

I had thoughts that ran along the lines of "if everyone else has done it, does this mean Dylan is slow?", "Will he always be behind everyone else?". "Will I eventually pull up to a Macdonalds and feel a surge of pride as my child asks "Dwant fries wid that!".

So for a whole week, Dylan and I did battle. At the end of the week in October I hung my head and cried into the pillow of failed mothers. Dylan didn't want to use the potty, he understood the process, he knew what to do but he just didn't want to do it.

So we didn't!

Yet at the beginning of January I just thought, go on, one more try and I got the potty out again, and this time we have sailed through. of course there have been one or two accidents, primarily because Ive been slow, or the wee hasnt been as contained as it should have been - we girls wee down, boys dont! Or a mess was made because his potty attached itself to his bottom and when he stood up the wee that was in the potty was no longer in the potty, but these have been handled with calm and a pile of kitchen towels and disinfectant. Generally he is happy to tell me when he needs a wee or a poo and he tells me with plenty of notice. I'm even - get me - considering ditching the nappies at night time because he is nearly always dry at night time too...

So that's it, this months grin is caused by Dylan, my darling boy being able to "go potty".

Happy Birthday Nanma San

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Snow = Christmas.

This morning I opened the curtains and Dylan's face split into the biggest grin. He ran into the spare room and bounced upon the bead.

"Presents, Presents, I getting presents" he clapped his hands and jumped up and down with delight.

"Why are you getting presents lovely?", I asked. He looked at me his little face serious, all bouncing stopped.

"Because mommie, its snowding and santa claus comes when it snowdes".

So I had to explain and yes his little face crumpled and tears glistened in his eyes "nope presents mommie!"

"No presents Dylan". Ah cruel mommie!

Hooch had a birthday...

And I kinda missed it, not because Im a bad friend, which it kinda feels like, but because Im full of cold, living in snot and hiding...

But I wished really hard, and I wished her a wonderful day, a fantastic year, and friends who wouldnt do what Im doing...

She is a gorgeous woman,

with a beautiful heart
and killer legs.

Happy Birthday Hooch!

22 days in

And Ive got another bally cold.

Bugger I hate this constant round of runny noses and sore throats. I managed to get through the sing and sign class this morning, but now Im off to bed, first a hot bath, then snuggled with hot water bottle and the desire to breath deeply, without coughing up my guts or snotting all over the place.

I hate colds!!!!

Thank god Keefe has got Dylan tonight.

Ach, January has just flown by.

Jesus, I really want to get on top of blogging, but by the time the time comes to sit down and do the stuff, it just all goes to pot and I tend to end up washing the floor or ironing - you know, the important stuff in life.

Anyway whats been happening this month so far.

Work, is still pretty crappy, no one knows what is happening, the restructure situation just keeps going on and on. I don't know what will happen at the end of March, but I kinda get the idea that my current job will definitely no longer exist. I should be offered work within the council, but Ive no idea what it is, or where I will be working. But hey, its a job and will pay the bills, which is more than a lot of people can say at the moment.

Sing and Sign has started, Ive got 6 classes running over 3 two hour sessions. I really love doing this and am really thinking seriously about taking over the franchise, but its a scary thought - self employed - and I'm not sure I'm brave enough just now.

Dylan, my lovely, lovely boy is going through a very weird stage right now and I don't know what to do about it.

He is beautiful and makes me smile on an hourly, ney minutely basis. He is so tuned into life, coming out with some amazing things, he plays so beautifully on his own, and plays so gently with his friends. He is very good at sharing - Proud Mum!!!

BUT - he has become very scared when we are out and about, almost clingy. He used to be this really outgoing, try anything child. Three months ago, I couldn't stop him sliding down the big boys slide, now its almost impossible to get him to climb the steps on the baby slide.

We went to Whitehouse farm the weekend just gone and he was "scared" of the animals. This the child who ran amok with chickens and would happily climb into a field with cows. He didn't want to play on the park climbing frame cause he might fall, and he certainly didn't want to play on the "big boy bikes", he was "just a little boy".

I don't understand the change, or why it's happened, I think that maybe it has something to do with him being really poorly over Christmas, its probably knocked his confidence, he was sick a lot of the time and we did tend to coddle him, telling him he was a poor baby, but I kinda just want my brave baby back.

I'm working hard at encouraging him, pushing at boundaries that were not there before but are there now and generally discussing his fears and letting him know that whilst he is growing up, he is still just a "little boy" who is very clever and very loved.

White house

Keefe is off doing work/play things so I got to play with Dylan this morning. I rang Annette and asked if she wanted to come to the Whitehouse farm with me. She wasnt feeling so hot, but Tom, her hubby said he would join me.

I then called Ruth, with Josh, who was up for it, as was Renatta, with Danny. So wellies, cold weather gear and a desire to play firmly installed we headed up to Northumberland.

The Farm, last year, was a staple place to visit. It takes about 30 mins to drive there and can fill an afternoon, or a full day, depending on the weather.

It was bitterly cold when we arrived, first ones there, so we doned coats, hats and gloves and headed to the warmth of the shop. Dylan found dinosaurs and cows...

Then we headed down to see the petting animals, some HUGE rabbits, some reptiles and some chickens. The goats, which Dylan loved last year, were scary, and I ended up feeding them. It took me ages to get him to approach them and then he kept saying they would bite him. I didnt push!!

Tom, Orla, Renatta and Danny turfed up, after taking a small diversion, and we all headed up to the big sheds where the pigs, cows, goats, Llamas and horses were waiting for us.



The gang on thier way to see the animals - Brrrrrr!


Some radiators - or reindeers as we know them.


We brave few!


Renatta and Danny


Tom and Orla

Then we played - or rather the others played, Dylan was scared!!!







Then we raced







Sadly all this excitement was too much for Dylan and we departed in tears. Poor wee man!!!