My baby he goes to nursery.

This is it. The big day, the day when my baby turns into a toddler. It didn't just happen over night, Oh no, Ive been both dreading and loving this day for at least a couple of weeks.

Since I've returned to work, Dylan has been with his Nanma San, but it was decided that three days, plus the additional sing and sign sessions may be too much for her so I hunted for a nursery. After visiting several I finally settled on a small establishment called "Just Learning" the staff are friendly, the building is clean and the play area outside is fairly extensive. Dylan loved his first session there, crying as we left.

I have to say I was very close to pulling Dylan out of the nursery after the first session. Gemma, Dylan's key worker, asked me to go inside, leaving Dylan outside with the rest of the group, to see how he coped with me not being around. He was happily playing in the garden with all the other children, there was a little tykes car, which was proving ever so popular and Dylan, like several other boys kept trying to get into the car. The rather big boy who was in the car pushed Dylan over and it took all my willpower to remain in the class room. Vowing that when I got the chance that kid would be tripped and pinched at the earliest opportunity.

Dylan, denied the opportunity to ride in the car picked up a rubber ring, a circular tubing thing, he has something similar at home, and when he holds it like a steering wheel we all sing "the wheels on the bus" and he drives us round the house, laughing like a loon.

As he stretched out his little arms, in the normal, ready steady go gesture, there was no chorus of "wheels on the bus",he looked around, smiled at the key workers, wiggled the tubing as if to say "I'm ready when you are" but nothing.

I stood in the playroom with tears streaming down my face. Thank god common sense prevailed cause I was very close to running outside, grabbing up that small body and running very fast towards the exit.

The nursery has a great induction period. You have your introduction session where you meet your Key Worker, the person who will spend most of the time looking after Dylan. Mum and Baby are both present. The you do two hours with mum leaving baby, then four hours, again with Baby on their own.

The Two hour session was easy, on me any way. I did a quick drop off, I couldn't even say goodbye to him, because I was crying so hard and I didn't want him to see mamam upset. I fled!

I filled the two hours with shopping for Dylan's bedroom - wallpaper and some stickers for his wall. New shoes and some pyjamas. It was easy. I returned to find him in tears. He had woke from a nap to discover himself in a strange place and screamed the place down. Gemma was attempting to reconcile him, but it wasn't happening. When I walked in, he flung his arms open and threw himself at me.

Gemma told me that he had literally woken up and hadn't been crying long, but I still felt a pang... "is this really the right thing to be doing".

Today was the big day. The four hour session, today was the day I was to leave him on his own, to deal with the big boys who don't let him in their cars, to deal with a lack of eager "Wheels on the bus" singers, to deal with not being in the safe haven of Nanma Sans and mummies home.

As we got dressed I spoke about the nursery saying how exciting it will be, how much fun he will have - as all the books advise. Dylan just kept saying "No mama". In the car I chatted on, "Wont it be fun" to which he replied "No, Mama". We got into the nursery, just as the children were filing out into the garden, Dylan went out eagerly, holding my hand, "Mama sit, stay" was his command as he played on the train. "Dylan, mummie has to go to work this morning, your staying here with Gemma and all the children". I said again. "No, Mama". "Yes darling, mummie has to go now. I love you"...

I got up to leave "No, Mama". I ran towards the door. "See you soon, baby, I love you". As I shut the door into the classroom, I turned to find my small baby pounding on the window. "Mama, No, Mama". Gemma was picking him up and holding him tight, I left almost blinded by the tears.

Like some mad mummie, I climbed onto the car bonnet so I could see over the fence and almost chocked on my own tears as I heard and saw Dylan crying and calling out for me. I sat there for 20 minutes desperately talking myself out of going back in to get him. I knew that the nursery would call me if he hadn't settled so I finally drove away.

Knowing this day was coming I was glad to have the girls on hand, firstly I cleaned the house, I called the nursery to be told he had taken about 20 minutes to settle, then he had played for a while in the garden, then came back in to the classroom, gone into the quiet corner and gone to sleep.

I then met up with the girls for lunch and I entertained myself playing with Danny and Josh. I just felt so damn wrong being there without Dylan. Four hours is a long time to fill when your desperate to be somewhere else.

I headed back to the nursery hoping and praying that all would be well, that he wouldn't of woken from his sleep unhappy. I got there to find a fairly content little boy playing in the sand.

Gemma told me that he had woken up about 12.30, hadn't had lunch but had played quite happily following his sleep. He gave me a huge hug and proceeded to show me the new animals he had found. He seemed happy.

I have to be honest and say I'm not 100% this is the right thing to be doing, but if it gives Dylan an opportunity to mix with other children and get skills I cant give him at home, it has to a good thing.