So we have moved into the caravan, its been cold, its been hard - both Dylan and i have been virus bugged, sickness, snotting and coughing.... in a caravan its made it hard,but its also made us together.

Tonight  we had the most gorgeous night, talking about things to be, about things to come, about how we feel.Its been such a good night, such a true night...

There is so much I may type, but my heart sings... I'm going to go out and look at the stars.

Summer Holidays

Ive had such an amazing summer with Dylan, we have petted animals, played with friends, had sleep overs, camped, played on the beach, walked through museums, visited vikings and done a multitude of other things. We have done these things with friends and as a family and its been wonderful.

But that reality is Summer is hard! Summer holidays are expensive and exhausting and mean that you need to slot normal life into the last two hours of the day, Dylan still wants me to be there with him when he is playing on the xbox, for tickle fights in between loading games or talking to friends, or to colour in with him, Im still needed to play chase, or games. I love the time we have spent together and I wouldnt change them, they give me time to gather memories, to look at Dylan and brim with love and yes sometimes annoyance but thats ok!

But as he grows I realise that next year and the years to come will be more about him spending time with his friends rather than me.

So when we headed into the school yard today for his first day of year five the weight of these thoughts filled my brain. He wants more independence, I see him growing, this wonderful little boy, my monster and I want to stop it, to say this day, this feeling!

"Do you want me to come in with you Dylan?
"Yes mum"
Rucksack on his back he strode ahead of me. He waved to several friends, chatting away and I walked to his drop off point on my own. Watching him drop his bag on the ground and run off to join his tribe....

"Dylan" I called, he turned and waved "Im going now" and I waved goodbye.

He ran back to me his arms firmly round my waist and kissed me "Have a good day mum".

Yeah - still my boy!

So I say thank you for the memories, the smiles and laughter!

Da Boy Returns

Life pre-Dylan used to be filled with a whole range of activities and plans that would fill up my weekends and months. I used to do AM-Dram - three of four shows per year - or go for long walks with friends just to climb a hill or see a waterfall. I was even pretty good at squash. I regularly went to the theatre and cinema and would sit and debate its merits or would sit and TV fest with friends at the weekend a box set a crate of wine and nibbles to while away the hours without a care. I could quite happily lie in the bath for hours, with my toe knocking on the hot tap to fill it up to the perfect temperature, whilst I escaped into a book.

So when Dylan went away with his Dad to visit his family down in London last Friday, knowing he was going for a whole week, I had big plans, it sounded like bliss but the truth is I actually found it quite hard!

"WHY?" I hear so many mums shout out, baths uninteruppted, eating what ever and when ever you want - or even not at all, lie ins and undisturbed nights, it was bliss and whilst I enjoyed all of the above including coffee, chats and catch ups with friends I felt empty at times as if I was missing something.

I managed to lie in the bath for a whole 15 minutes, bubbles, candles a book, but I got bored, feeling there was something else I should be doing. I spent the whole day reading a book Ive wanted to read for ages, nanna napping and then just reading again. The luxury of this was hedonistic but I found I couldn't sleep that night at all! I went for walks along the beach, taking the time to walk in the sea and feel the sand between my toes, there was just me, my flip flops and no other bags loaded with suncream, spare clothes, balls, bubbles and towels needed. It was a wee bit lonely.  I didn't know what to do, what I wanted to do!

At 9 1/2 Dylan is becoming more independent and wants to do his own thing, which generally means playing on his xbox shouting at his friends about games I barely understand. He is starting to want to be left on his own and not go shopping with me, or play!

And that thought this week has made me spin. That I wont be needed in the same way I am now! It made me think about what I will do when he is doing his thing, whatever that may be. I don't sew or knit, I don't have any social clubs or groups I attend. Life has pretty much, for the last 9 1/2 years, been all about Dylan and this week I've had to think about what Shannon likes - who is she - and the answer today is I really dont know.

What I do know is that when Dylan came home yesterday and he run into my arms for a huge hug my body felt right and even relieved. When he crept into my bed for a snuggle at 1 this morning I simply pulled him into my arms and hugged him, inhaling his boy smell, it really is only a smell a mother can love!.

Ive a few more years of being jumped on and tickle fights being demanded, of snuggle nights and attempting to figure out whether its the x, y or b button on the xbox control that makes me jump whilst he giggles his head off because "mum cant jump". Im looking forward to the watching my wee hooligan grow, to help him make the right choices, to nag him when needed and yes even scream at him when required!

But I'm also looking forward to finding time for me, for discovering new hobbies and maybe even managing to stay in the bath for longer than 15 minutes!

He' Leaving on a jet plane

Well actually its in the car with his dad. But Dylan is going down to London for a week and whilst I know Im going to miss my wee hooligan Ive got a whole week on my own. Im used to having nights without him there as he stays with his dad on a regular basis, but a week, 7 days, 168hrs of dealing with just myself!

I have no idea what Im going to do but lie in's and long baths, catching up on box sets and meeting up with friends for coffee or drinks will be a feature Im sure!

If you see me around and I'm wearing a silly satisfied smile do forgive me :)

Erm, its been a while!

Well, back to blogging, back to writing my feelings down and trying to figure out where life is and what I do with it.

Im not sure why Im here, it used to be a regular thing, maybe it can become something more, maybe I will write this one post and not come back again, but Im think Im ready to go forth into the blogging life, to share my tribulations, my tears, my joy.

Three years since my last blog - its a long time and it makes me nervous to expose myself in this way, but Im stronger than I was, more myself and I have and can find the time.

This is the beginning of what used to be my life, again!

Its been so long

and I'm still here whining about being unhappy and sad. Sometimes I look over the months and years that have passed and I wish to god someone would come and kick me up the arse, just say get over it...

But its not that easy and the solution is never really abuse of any sort.

Tonight I made a resolution, I know its not the new year, but one can have an epiphany any time of the year, to write this shit out. To acknowledge that its happening, to speak to my future self. Maybe I will read this in years to come and know the answers.... maybe I will be still asking the same questions, but my blog will become my daily reminder that things can get bad, but they hopefully wont get worse!

Its Dylans birthday on the 3rd of March, he is 6. I know its a cliche but I really do wonder where the time has gone.

Last night we were "discussing" the plans for his birthday party.

Its a pirate theme, unbeknownst to him I have organised for Captain Raggy Beard to come and join us. He was pretty specific about certain things

1. No girls!
2. he has invited 8 friends, 8 is a good pirate number.
3. He wants a cake in the shape of a treasure map - thanks to Becka Seal I can provide this.
4. He wants games, several we made up last night, I'm not sure I remember to rules to "blow up the shark" but I'm hoping Capn. R. Beard will be entertain him enough to forget this one.
5. He wants a plank, for adults (who have to also come dressed up) to walk when they are being naughty!
6. He wants a shark - I put my foot down on this one, we settled for stuffed crocodiles!
7. Oh, did he mention NO GIRLS!

Then this morning, after talking to Becks about the cake I went in to let him know the treasure map would be ok. "hmm mummy" he said, "perhaps we should have invited Mia and Alex, Alex would be a good pirate boy." 

"Ok", said I, "but Mia is a girl and you definitely said no girls".

Deep thought ensued, then his face lit up with his 'Ive got it smile'. "Thats ok mummy, cause she will come with cake".

Boys!