Trying to get out of the doghouse

In an effort to remove myself from the dog house I got up early this morning, did the ironing, tidied the kitchen and entertained Dylan, ensuring he didnt go upstairs and wake mum or dad.

I felt really tired after doing this, but I kept myself going, out of pure spite really. I know I was wrong to stay out and mix alcohol and tablets, to not let them know where I was, but Im 40 not 14 and I have to have the ability to make these choices.

That said, I do feel like and idiot for the way I behaved, who the hell was I trying to impress, it certainly will have made an impression but possibly not the type of impression I wanted to make.

Drugs + Alcohol = the doghouse!

On the upside, things I can do this week that I couldnt do last week.

• Walk up and down stairs without pulling myself up on the banister
• Wash and dry my hair.

Yeah for getting better, now how do I change my thinking!!!

In the Dog House.

Oh my, last night I went round to Rebecca's house. The pretense was a book sale. I behaved like a total idiot, flashed my burns, as if it was something special, something to be proud of!

I eventually rolled in at 3am and totally pissed mum and dad off. Definitely reverted to the sixteen year old child I have been.

This morning I fled the house with Dylan, finding refuge at Rebecca's. Then I ran to Tracy Scotts house, it was the first time I had really talked to her and I really felt that we could become friends. She's really open and what you see is what you get.

Returning to the house I got read the riot act. Selfish, thoughtless behaviour. Dad had walked the streets thinking I was lying somewhere dead. It was stupid of me to mix alcohol and tablets, selfish, stupid, careless....

Keefe took Dylan away for the night and I retreated to my bedroom, introspective and hurt. I behaved like an idiot, shamed myself, worried and angered my parents - who the hell am I?

Reiki and Sympathy

Im finding mornings really hard. Getting myself up is hard enough, but getting Dylan up, doing breakfast and getting him to school is quite frankly rough! The School is only a couple of minutes walk away and getting there is ok, the walk back though hurts.

In the play ground this morning one of the other mums was really upset. Post natal depression struck and she ended up in tears. It was so nice to be able to offer sympathy and support to someone else. A hug and an understanding smile meant so much.

David had organised for me to have some Reiki sessions with a friend of his, Nina. Totally unaware of how it works or what it is, but I felt wonderfully relaxed.

Mum and I are still treading on egg shells, but at least it got rid of some of the tension that has been building up. Dad is still questioning everything I do, or don't do. And whilst I'm finding it totally frustrating I understand that he is doing it because he wants me to motivate myself, I just don't want to motivate myself today. Please don't make me!!!

Rowed with Mum

Well mum and I finally came to a head to day. We had a bloody awful row. It started off with me bad mouthing dad because he constantly getting on my back, mum had said that he was moaning at her for the amount of time I spent in bed. 5 minutes later we were screeching at each other, I was leaving (where to I had no idea) she wanted me to leave because I was self and she had been doing everything for me for the last 8 weeks and I didn't appreciate how hard it was on her.

She cried, I screamed, we eventually hugged. But the crux is I'm selfish. Can I change this thinking - Bridie, over to you!!!

Taking Bridies advice on board

This weekend I spent it in bed. Dylan was off with Keefe for the weekend. The first weekend he has had him since I came out of hospital. I didn't justify why I was doing it. I just got a book and read.

I did try and help round the house where I could. But most of the time I would attempt to do something only to have to ask for help, because I was unable to complete the task. But I managed to shower and get dressed all by myself. I had to lie down afterwards, but I did it.

Today the pain seems higher than over the last couple of days. But I think this is because I've reduced the omnimorph down and Im trying to only take the tramadol when things get bad. Also now the big stuff is healing I seem to be feeling all the little aches and pains. My ribs are killing me and I haven't felt these hurt before.

But today I managed to do my own hair. It wasn't pretty, but I got it tied up in a pony tail. Triumph!!!

Bridie my Guru!

Had a fantastic session with Bridie today. She seems to help me put my thoughts into order, restructuring my thoughts from destructive to positive.

Ive struggled with being at home, feeling claustrophobic and like I've reverted back to being a teenager. But she's helped me see that of course I'm going through these feelings. I have lost control of everything.

I'm 40 years old and only have the things I have because my dad has bought it for me. I'm dependant on my parents for everything, physically, mentally, financially. I'm grumpy and irritable because I'm tired and sore, I feel guilty because of the pressure my parents are under and therefore I snap at them, at Dylan. I resent this but its not my fault, it is the situation I'm in.

Things for me to remember over the next few weeks.

• Pain is good, but its not nice!
• My body will react to temperature over the next couple of months, I should be aware of this because intense heat/cold will cause intense pain.
• I have to acknowledge that things are and will be sore, and not expect too much of myself or my body.
• Things I can say instead of "I'm fine", which I'm not and I cant keep putting on smiley face. "Today is not a good day". "Nerve pain is setting in and its sore". This means I'm not lying to myself, but I'm also acknowledging its not easy.

Sometimes I want to curl into a ball and not have to deal with anyone. I try and motivate myself but end up tired.

Someone has kidnapped my nice child

and replaced him with a bally monster.

Seriously, did he always whine this way. All I hear from him is "I Want", "I Need" I cant deal with him, I cant....