Loosing a baby once is misfortune...

Loosing a baby twice is just plain stupid. Yes following our little bit of excitement on Sunday I had yet another incident today.

Keefe and a work colleague of his were kind enough to drop off a single bed from mums. I've decided to move Dylan back into the little bedroom, in the hope that the smaller room and smaller bed will encourage him to sleep in his own room. Anyway, the bed was put into his, almost, decorated room and we played together for about an hour in there.

I came downstairs to make a cup of tea and started playing with the computer... after all he was safe upstairs. About 20 minutes passed and I went back up stairs because there wasn't a single sound coming from the bedroom. He wasn't there.

I searched in all the cupboards - he has started to hide - I searched in all the bedrooms, I searched in the bathroom. I came downstairs and searched in all the rooms. Where could a little boy be hiding?

I went back up stairs feeling a slow panic creeping in. I searched all the rooms again, under the beds, behind the curtains, calling for him.

NOTHING!

I ran downstairs, the back door was closed, the front door was closed.

I ran back upstairs and looked in all the rooms again, under the beds, behind the curtains, could I have missed him?

NOTHING.

Then I went into the spare room, in panic I pulled out the bed, the cupboard, the chair and there he was fast asleep on the floor. He must have gone in there to hide and crashed. I picked him up and took him back to his room.

God I'm not sure I can do this mothering thing. I'm spending most of my time in a state of panic! Is it allowable to tie your child to your hip!!!

I lost my baby!

Today I met up with Annette to do a quick walk - we had a bit of a meander around Tynemouth station, there is a small market that takes place on Saturdays and Sundays its full of bric a brac and bits and pieces, some of it nice, some of it nasty, but its generally a nice meander.

Dylan was given his obligatory pennies and he decided to buy something for Orla (Bless his little cotton socks) whilst paying the man for the green teddy bear I let go of Dylan's hand - for two seconds, or at least as long as it takes to take the money out of my purse, hand it over and thank the bloke - and bam, my son had gone.

I have to admit to panicking, I ran to Annette, "Dylan's gone", we both scanned the area in panic. No sign, I ran back to the stall, the bloke hadn't seen which way he had gone, he asked his friend on another stall - No sign.

I just kept shouting "He's two, small, blond, curls, blue eyes, he's wearing a bright orange jacket". No one had seen him. I spotted two police 'people' circling the stalls and ran to them "My baby is gone". The young woman office looked at me and in one second took in the total panic. "Its ok, what does he look like"....

"He's two, small, blond, curls, blue eyes, he's wearing a bright orange jacket".

"Is that him, over there". I turned to see my wayward wanderer happily perusing a box of toys. I ran to him, I grabbed him, I cried...

The police officer came over to me "Are you ok? I know exactly how you feel, Ive a little one about the same age... do you need a cup of tea?".

I know it sounds stupid, but I really did feel totally at a loss. In those few moments I had found his little body and buried him, had a nervous breakdown and plummeted into deep depression, ending up being eaten by cats and that would be my just deserts for being such a bad mother!!!!

Beach Play

Dylan is cutting down on his sleep - I think! He doesnt seem to want to sleep through the day, but this means that sometimes he crashes out way too late, like 4pm. Which means that he doesnt want to go to bed on time cause he is still wired. So Im attempting to ensure that he doesnt crash late afternoon, by keeping him active from his afternoon nap up till bed time.

This afternoon Annette and I went to the beach, a little walk by the sea - great!!!



Dylan had other ideas though, walking was definitely not something on his mind. Walking knee deep into the water was on his mind,



sitting in the water was on his mind, lying in the water - yep that was there too...



After 20 mins of chasing waves and laughing like idiots Dylan announced he was wet, cried his heart out and then allowed me to change him. Sometimes you just dont know what to do for best.

Im going to be a God Mother...

I'm a bit overwhelmed, today Annette asked me if I would be Orla's Godmother, I cried, we hugged, she laughed at me.

I'm so very, very proud and honoured and all of that stuff...

Now, the serious bit - what the hell does a Godmother do!!!!


Babies Beautiful


A bit of DIY at home with the Missus


Orla at home in Switzerland

Old McDonald had a farm...

Its half term and we know that most places would be manic, so we set off today for the Whitehouse Farm, reasoning that its big and even with crowds it wouldn't be too chaotic. Its about 30 mins up the A1 and a rather pleasant drive, Annette and I meandered through the usual diverse range of conversations, I'm not sure if its because she is Swiss, or just because we get along so well, but we have the most strangest, honest, revealing conversations. Never a dull moment!!

Any Hoo - we got to Whitehouse farm and waited in line with all the other 100's of mummies and daddies who had had the same idea (bugger them). Dylan was very non British and decided after 10 mins of waiting in line that the best thing to do was run down to the beginning of the que and push on through. Most folks thought it was funny, but there were a few who tutted at this blatant show of "pushing in".

Hauled back and made to stand in line he winged and whined about "PIG". We eventually got to the paying in Shed to find one very harassed lady - my inability to provide my membership card didn't go down too well and we were eventually just waved through - she obviously had far too much to deal with!

Once inside we viewed the giant rabbits, the goats

Don't be scared little goat, I'm your friend


Can't you tell she is farm born and bred!


Be nice goaty or the sheep gets the lot

The budgies, the PIGS, the wallabies, the deer (Dylan still insists that they are goats), the sheep


With a Ba, Ba here and

the cows


Annette and Dylan with a Swiss Cow.

"Moooo-ving on"

It really is a gorgeous place to meander and very child friendly. Dylan and Orla loved interacting with the animals, I think Annette enjoys it too....ohhh go on, and me too!


"Go on, do your Cow again Dylan"

Squeals of joy pervaded the afternoon and both babes tried out their growing vocab and noises - "MOOOOOOO"

We had a frantic meal, service in the canteen was little better than the entrance shed, and then headed off for a meandering drive back through the countryside. God I'm so lucky to have places like this to visit and friends like these to go with.

Valentines Day.

Valentine's Day is a holiday celebrated on February 14. In North America and Europe, it is the traditional day on which lovers express their love for each other by sending Valentine's cards, presenting flowers, or offering confectionery. The holiday is named after two early Christian martyrs named Valentine. The day became associated with romantic love in the circle of Geoffrey Chaucer in High Middle Ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished.

Valentines Day - The day of declairing love, of sharing with your partner, lover, husband, wife, significant other that you love them.

Why just on this day?

I woke this morning expecting nothing, Im not in a situation to be loaded down with cards and flowers. But my one conciliation was knowing that I probably wouldn’t be the only girl in the world, who wasn’t waiting for the postman to come to my door laden with gifts. And in a way that made me happy.

Annette and Susan confirmed my suspicion that romance dies soon after child birth by declaring that their partners had not exactly bestowed gifts of flowers, chocolates and Diamonds upon them.... not even a card.

But we discussed it and we all agreed that it was really just another poopy commercialisation, a day when flowers cost the earth and those who haven’t got anyone to adore and love are made to feel inadequate.

Who needs it?

I got home to have my next door neighbour deliver a huge box with a lovely red ribbon tied around it, upon opening my box of loveliness out popped a balloon, in the box was a little fibre optic bracelet - the sort 16 year olds wear on the dance floor to show how cool they are, some little chocolates, a little light - no idea what it does a red rose and some rose petals.

You should have seen my smile - God Im a hypocrite.

I have since discovered who my anonymous admirer is - and that’s my secret, but I can say it wasn’t Colin Firth....

One month on and

Im tired, stressed and it’s primarily my fault. I have come to realise that a lot of my problems start with my inability to deal with stuff straight on. I have to ponder on it, mulch it round, have constant conversations with myself, deciding the outcomes of conversations with other people, to - in short - totally fuck up the situation and not act when I should.

Im supposed to be going back to work, I went in to see my Dr and discussed my return with him, and I was all set for it. Then I met up with my Mick (he of the Tatehood) and flammy (Yes that is Flammy).

When it comes down to the basics things at work are changing and my position is going to be one of the positions that change. But in the interim, no one can tell me what Im supposed to do, or when these changes will happen. So Im in limbo, but as far as Mick was concerned I would be returning to work on the 3rd March full time. Now there has been no discussion on this, no "consultation". He just sent me a letter and told me to sign it.

I’ve spent the last two weeks panicking because I needed to sort out child care for Dylan, I was contemplating life as a full time worker - not having any quality time with Dylan and it made me weep. It made me stressed, it’s made me have many a sleepless night cause Im chewing the cud on "what ifs" and "Whys".

But yesterday I took the bull by the horns and confronted my fears; I call occupational Health and queried my return. They knew nothing of it. Then I called my Union rep (Yes Bruvvers Im a fully paid up member) and my Union rep thinks that everything that is happening to me is "bullying" and "not in accordance to procedures". She has taken the bit between her teeth and is out for blood.

I’ve no idea if this means I dont have to go back to work, Im hoping a phased return will be given to me, which will mean I return to work slowly... Im hoping that they will be able to negotiate with work and get me my part time hours... Im hoping.

Dylan is so growed up

Today I went out with Annette, we played in a park, or should I say Dylan and Orla played in a park (I only went down the big slide once) and then we went for a coffee.

On the way home I snapped this pic of Dylan and Orla

Juvenile Delinquents in training - I can hear the ASBO's hitting the floor!

Im living with Keefe again.

Ha, how many of you just splutterd all over the computer board! That sentance is enough to make anyone splutter, but its just a convenience thing. His convenience my stupidity.

Every year the caravan site closes down for 8 weeks, usually we have stayed at mums, but this year for some sick and unknown reason I offered my home as refuge. Its going to be hard.

We had a huge argument the day before he moved in, he was rude, arrogant and totally unrespectful - but then I am a selfish "oscar" who thinks the world should do whatever I want.

Hmmm going to fun over the next 6 weeks.

Simple Friends Vs Real Friends

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.

A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.

A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.

A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes >early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.

A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.

A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.

A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it.

A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A real friend calls you after you had a fight.

A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!

Sometimes I have to wonder if Im a real friend or a simple friend to some of my friends....