Saying Goodbye.

Bridie has suggested that I write a list of all the things I lost in the fire, to say good bye, to mourn them. Its not definitive but

• George - ugly though you were, I loved you
• Letters from Keefe, Jayson, James, Darren - the ability to recall memories from these letters.
• Pictures and mementos from travelling
• Wedding photos, my dress, wedding file, cards, memorabilia of the day.
• Diaries from school
• Dylan's diary
• Records, tapes, CD's, DVDs Music that helped me define special times and memories
• Jamie's picture "on the beach"
• Jewellery - from travels, friends, my wedding rings, opals and pearls.
• Dylan's memory box, hair, hand prints, scan pictures
• Shane's boxes from Iraq.
• Things mum gave me from Nana and things from her which were supposed to be passed down and treasured.
• Skinny jeans - I've never found a pair that fit so well. My wedding shoes, the silly dress I wore to Bev's 40th Party, the memories it evoked.
• Christmas decorations, especially the ones for Dylan's first Christmas

The list could go on, the insurance claim is about 9 pages long to date, but its not the "stuff" that gets used daily, its the stuff that I looked at and it evoked a smile, a memory, a flash back to somewhere else, that isn't here and isn't now!

Tired

Down, Down, Down, I'm just sleeping now. Sing and Sign has finished. The term was hard, but I got through, found movement a problem at times but dredged up the energy to do the classes, limited though they have been and I got through.

There is stuff to do and I'm totally aware of loosing control of the little control I had, but I cant find the motivation to do. Dylan has gone away with Keefe and I'm on my own.

I'm really glad he has gone away, am I allowed to say that! He whines at me and I scream at him, he wants to play and I'm bored. He wakes at 5.30 am and I'm so bloody tired.

Tired, that sums me up. Tired of me, tired of life, tired of trying to be strong, happy, capable. I'm tired of being tired.

I'm just bloody tired of it all!