I need to be shot. I cant even write it just yet. I'm stupid and a danger to the world.
Bad, bad, bad....
Urgh!
Hooch, thank you for my card, I will eventually find the power to call. Give me time!! Yes, more time please...
Monday, May 25, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Tablets = Numb
Its been a week since I went to see Dr Mac and he gave me my happy pills, Ive gone through sickness, nausea and dizzy spells, Ive spent the weekend sat on the sofa doing nothing, not even drinking or eating.
I made it to sing and sign, and got through the classes but I'm numb. A haze is beginning to fall, at the moment I'm finding it peaceful. I went to be last night at 7.30 and slept till Dylan woke me at 5.45 (Arghhh in any one's world). I never sleep all night but I did last night.
This morning I just feel "outside" myself. I'm neither sad nor happy, neither angry or at peace. I can see good things, I can hear laughter, I can even join in, but I'm away from it.
I'm OK with this for now. The tablets will kick in properly in another week or so and an equilibrium will be restored. From there I can move forward to finding the me that I've become disassociated from.
"I'm fine".
I made it to sing and sign, and got through the classes but I'm numb. A haze is beginning to fall, at the moment I'm finding it peaceful. I went to be last night at 7.30 and slept till Dylan woke me at 5.45 (Arghhh in any one's world). I never sleep all night but I did last night.
This morning I just feel "outside" myself. I'm neither sad nor happy, neither angry or at peace. I can see good things, I can hear laughter, I can even join in, but I'm away from it.
I'm OK with this for now. The tablets will kick in properly in another week or so and an equilibrium will be restored. From there I can move forward to finding the me that I've become disassociated from.
"I'm fine".
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Sad face
"Mummy, why is you got your sad face on" Said Dylan
"Cause mummy is sad Dylan, but its okay, she isn't sad at you"
Gently he reaches for me, his lips and nose covered in snot.
Kiss!
"There mummy, I kiss you and now you is happy!"
Ahhh if only it were this simple.
"Cause mummy is sad Dylan, but its okay, she isn't sad at you"
Gently he reaches for me, his lips and nose covered in snot.
Kiss!
"There mummy, I kiss you and now you is happy!"
Ahhh if only it were this simple.
Monday, May 11, 2009
happy talking...
You got to have a dream, to make a dream come true....
Bad lyrics from a hyped 80's song. Although I kinda have a vague memory of my mum running through the dunes in Cornwall, throwing off her clothes and urging us to chase the fireflies - weird.
I've been to see the Dr, Im definately depressed, probably more unbalanced than the first time round. Ive had some really awful thoughts these last couple of weeks, Ive crawled around in the slime in my head and I dont like what I am. But that said I also realise that Im slightly off kilter of reality, of the real me. Which brings me back to the angst ridden question "who the hell am I".
Talk to my friends and Im one person for them, another for some one else. My family dont even know me, sometimes I think they dont want to know me. I am the vessle that produced the "grandson, the nephew", nothing more, but nothing less either.
I know everyone does this multiple personality thing, but Im wondering why. Are we protecting ourselfs, morphing into something to please, to hide, to decieve!
I cannot and will not give in to the thoughts in my head which tell me the world would be a better place without me. I know this is not true. But sometimes the whispers sound like truth and I have to admit that the possibility of just stopping for a while, not dealing, not caring sounds almost too good to be true.
Bad lyrics from a hyped 80's song. Although I kinda have a vague memory of my mum running through the dunes in Cornwall, throwing off her clothes and urging us to chase the fireflies - weird.
I've been to see the Dr, Im definately depressed, probably more unbalanced than the first time round. Ive had some really awful thoughts these last couple of weeks, Ive crawled around in the slime in my head and I dont like what I am. But that said I also realise that Im slightly off kilter of reality, of the real me. Which brings me back to the angst ridden question "who the hell am I".
Talk to my friends and Im one person for them, another for some one else. My family dont even know me, sometimes I think they dont want to know me. I am the vessle that produced the "grandson, the nephew", nothing more, but nothing less either.
I know everyone does this multiple personality thing, but Im wondering why. Are we protecting ourselfs, morphing into something to please, to hide, to decieve!
I cannot and will not give in to the thoughts in my head which tell me the world would be a better place without me. I know this is not true. But sometimes the whispers sound like truth and I have to admit that the possibility of just stopping for a while, not dealing, not caring sounds almost too good to be true.
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
May, May I...
Well I'm blue, in fact I'm more than blue, I'm in a deep blue funk. And as much as I want to stop I cant, Ive lost it, lost the ability to communicate, lost the ability to see what is right and what is not. Lost the ability to see lightness and can see only the dark places and they scare me.
Ive had a pretty good month - I know I'm going to be able to afford the sing and sign franchise, I performed in a play, Ive had my interview for work and feel fairly confident about having a job at the end of the process but for all this positive, the cloud sank slowly and I ran away from it, choosing to do nothing about it.
Well I didn't so much run as crawled into a corner and pulled the cover over my head. I'm hiding, I don't want to come out and face this world.
I guess with all the shit that I'm feeling, and I know it is just me feeling it, its not real, my real problem is that Dylan is bearing the brunt of my slide back into the darkness. I'm loosing control with him and I'm scared I'm going to end up hitting him, hurting him!
I'm loosing friends cause I cant talk to them, the answerphone takes all my calls and when I do eventually find the strength to talk I'm spiky, so I don't cause I don't like being spiky.
Its been coming for weeks, and Ive done nothing to stop it, in a way this is a safe place for me to be, I can fall into the emptiness, embrace it. I'm feeling brittle, like one more small shake and the world is going to shatter into a thousand pieces and I wont be able to come back.
Ah shit, what the hell am I doing...
Ive had a pretty good month - I know I'm going to be able to afford the sing and sign franchise, I performed in a play, Ive had my interview for work and feel fairly confident about having a job at the end of the process but for all this positive, the cloud sank slowly and I ran away from it, choosing to do nothing about it.
Well I didn't so much run as crawled into a corner and pulled the cover over my head. I'm hiding, I don't want to come out and face this world.
I guess with all the shit that I'm feeling, and I know it is just me feeling it, its not real, my real problem is that Dylan is bearing the brunt of my slide back into the darkness. I'm loosing control with him and I'm scared I'm going to end up hitting him, hurting him!
I'm loosing friends cause I cant talk to them, the answerphone takes all my calls and when I do eventually find the strength to talk I'm spiky, so I don't cause I don't like being spiky.
Its been coming for weeks, and Ive done nothing to stop it, in a way this is a safe place for me to be, I can fall into the emptiness, embrace it. I'm feeling brittle, like one more small shake and the world is going to shatter into a thousand pieces and I wont be able to come back.
Ah shit, what the hell am I doing...
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