Life changes.

What a month. I've made some fairly serious life changes over the last 3 weeks, hence my absence from all things blogging. It's been a hard 3 weeks, especially with Dylan teething, rolling, commando crawling and generally just growing, its been a variable hotbed of emotions and small successes.

I'm feeling very positive.

So what's changed?

Well firstly I had a wonderful three weeks at Annette and Tom's. I got used to the cavanous proportions of a house after living in my little static caravan. I also got used to living on my own.

During this three weeks Dylan became the worlds best forward and backward roller, he crawled his first crawl, much to mine and K's delights. After doing a full crawl he then discovered if he lay on the hard wood flooring and just pulled himself along - commando style - he could move fast and silently and he has now become the scourge of pussy cats and all things four legged.

He has also cut two teeth, which means lots of sleepless nights, but we now have a gummy smile with two little bittypegs sticking out. He is still cutting more and his little face has swollen each time, giving him hamster like proportions. He has all the usual signs, red cheeks, baby dribble and fists clamped into his mouth sucking for dear life. Night times have not been good and I'm reaching zombie like levels of existence. But - there is always a but - the little man, even with cheeks swollen and sore still smiles and giggles like the mad fiend he is.

Since our decision to separate K has been coming to the house each night to bathe Dylan, which has been nice, but means I've run around "getting things for him". This has lead to me being even more anal in my organisation. Each night before going to bed I have to check that Dylan's bag is ready for mum, that there is a nappy, wrap, booster, towel and sleep suit in the bath room for his bath ready for K. I have to check that my expressing machine after using it is steralised and put in my work bag accompanied by two bottles for the expressed milk.

Its like some bizarre military fiasco and if one step is not followed the whole routine falls into chaos and I'm left sitting on the stairs weeping at my inability to do anything.

Okay - it only happened once, but it happened.

All in all Annette and Toms was great. I burnt dinner twice because I wasn't used to the space and couldn't smell the chicken moulding itself to the dish in a blackened lump. My cleaning anality lifted its ugly head above the parapets and I, even though I promised I wouldn't, ended up climbing on furniture and poorly balanced chairs on tables to clean daddo rails and light fittings. But - there it is again - I wound in my neck and talked myself out of doing the windows and re-organising Toms CD collection into alphabetical order.

I purchased (via a mortgage from Hell) and moved into my own house on the 20th of September. Its an old ex council house, 3 bedrooms with a lovely wee garden.

I took the last of my savings and visited "Ar-gus" purchasing all the necessities of life: curtain poles, pots and pans, 4 x knives, forks and spoons, 4 x plates and cups, a dish drainer, cooking utensils, shower curtains, toilet seats and copious other bits and pieces which make a house a home.

It needs a lot of work - LOTS OF CLEANING - and lots of decorating but it has potential and even after the gas/electric fiasco, outer doors that do not lock and missing toilet seats (Now replaced thanks to the bible I call Ar-gus) I feel empowered and stronger than I have for some time.

I've also started a child minder course. I'm not sure if I'm going to follow through with it, but the course is free and its just something I was thinking about doing to allow me to spend more time with Dylan. I want to be there to see him take his first steps, to hear his first proper words and know that I have given him the best of me.

I know that working won't mean I am a bad mommie. I accept that working is sadly one of life's realities and now that K and I have split up even more of a necessity but what I wouldn't give for someone to wave a magic wand and say "You can financially afford to spend the next four/five years at home". But its not going to happen and I have to find alternative ways of making sure Dylan and I have the type of life I want for us.

I guess its all about life choices. I'm choosing to work less hours to stay at home more with Dylan, which means we wont be able to afford some of the luxuries I took for granted. Broadband, Sky TV, flying off and visiting friends but we will have plenty of time to walk along the beach, play in the garden and just spend time with each other.

And finally - after our big "fight" I needed to replace my glasses so I've been and got meself some trendy Wireless specs (this was my last luxury purchase). I'm also going to get myself a hair cut as I've not had one for over 7 months - is this the beginning of the new me? Who knows? I just know that right now, at this present moment in time things feel positive and good.

They are hard and sometimes when I'm rattaling round the house like the proverbial pea in a tin can it feels lonely, but - third and final one - it feels right!

5 years ago

This time five years ago I was surrounded by friends and family celebrating the union of K and myself.

We thought we were a forever couple, we promised to respect each other, to talk and laugh together, to make each day special, to share our thoughts, hopes and dreams.

I hope when we have resolved our differences I will be able to say I love him still, but today it was hard.

Firstly because he sent me a card - it was a lovely card but it made me cry great big snot filled gasping cries.

Then when I was doing my first real shop I stood in front of the toilet rolls in Morrisons and cried some more. Why? Because I didn't know what toilet rolls we brought!!!

Love was not enough for us,
Though we were much in love.
We started down the well-worn path,
But it was not to be.
Delight was not enough for us,
Nor tenderness that moved
Through years of angry dissonance
Towards some dark, bitter sea.

Our differences were far too great,
Our lives too far apart.
We didn't like each other much,
But put that truth aside

Until one day it was too late
To reignite the heart.
One told the other, who agreed
At last that it had died.

But then, ah, then! we felt our loss
As unremitting pain,
As deep and inconsolable,
Unbearable regret.

And all alone we had to cross
That desert once again
That we might know that we had loved
Too much to soon forget.
By Nicholas Gordon

6 months old.

My god I cannot believe that 6 months have gone by. My little man is just fantastic, even if he isnt sleeping through the night, he is the most contented, happy wee chap I know.

He is also very close to cutting teeth, so has been suffering a very sore red bottom, but even with this discomfort manages to smile his way through the day.

My heart!!!



Happy 1/2 birfday babe.