Now Ive been told....

This last week or so, with holiday, DIY and Dylan I've been hiding from the world, I've not been out, not called friends and have fled to my bed many a night before the clock chimed 8o'clock. I'm not depressed, I've just been thinking, doing and yes I admit it ignoring people.

This week I've been in the house for a year, I keep walking around thinking "God I haven't done this, that or the other". Ive also decided to drop the classroom assistant course, its just not right for me right now, time and commitments just feel to much and make me think that I dont want to be spending this time doing a course, that it isnt really going to get me where I want to be. It's a big decision, but I think its the right one, I hope...

Today Annette turned up, unannounced all set to give me a dressing down. "Friends are there to talk to, to listen to you, to help out..." I felt awful because I knew I was doing it but I just felt that I needed the time out to get my head sorted.

Ive also had a dressing down from my friend Stephen, who has sent copious emails and texts.

So now I've been told - not that I'm bad, but that I have friends who care that I'm regressing into my shell. I feel good about that, I feel good about my friends and I feel good about life.

Scent of a mommie

Ive been on holiday for the last week or so. I intended to get the DIY in the house sorted: paint the hallway, get the laminate put down upstairs in the hall, replace the stair carpet, move Dylan out of the little box room into the big room, finish off the bathroom, kitchen and finally decorate the spare room.

Sadly - as is the way with plans - Dylan went down with the mother of all colds and my mum also suffered. With a very clingy baby and no childcare the plans went kinda to pot, but I did get the hallway painted and Dylans room, if I say so myself its very cute with a fishy feel.

Dylans cold though really held things up and I did, at times, begin to fret about my lack of movement foreward.

However I just had to blog about a little event that happened cause it sums up for me the closeness of us. Dylan, with his cold and chest infection was very poorly last Wednesday, so poorly infact that he even made himself sick trying to get settled. Eventually both of us lay in bed, he smothered vicks and me with worry.

Lying cuddled into him I hit upon an idea to help him breath and smothered myself in tiger balm, suddenly my cuddly baby was a screaming, spewing wreck. I hurried into the bathroom and washed off the tiger balm, then thinking my smothering idea was a good one, I covered myself in vicks, after all its a bit softer than tiger balm and Dylan was also smothered in it. I got into bed thinking "good thinking mommie" but nope, once again Dylan began kicking and crying, actually pushing me away, hitting me and getting himself into a right state.

Once again I headed into the bathroom and washed off the vicks, not sure what to do for Dylan I climbed back into the bed and pulled the frustrated Dylan towards me, he snuffled into my chest, stroked my face and then fell into a deep, deep sleep.

Just goes to prove that nothing beats the scent of a mommie.

A Day with Daddy

Wake up - once daddy has got out of bed.

Check on the toys


Ensure I have my dodie


Make some phone calls


Have a bath


Have breakfast


Get the guys round

Get the transport going

Visit the park

And you know... Have a ride

Climb some stuff

Have a bite to eat.

Before heading off home

To sort out the transport

and checking on the animals

Have my tea - mm pasta!

Then back to bed, to do it all again tomorrow.

Back to school

Well I've done it, I've returned to school - but this time as a class room assistant. It was SOOOOO much fun. And so bloody different from the slipper ridden, black board throwing days I was in the class room.

The teacher I'm working with Angie (but not in front of the children) Gibson, is a real inspiration, she is everything I could want to be. In control, fun and just plain Cool (yes with a capital C).

We did maths (scary for a CSE grade 1 passee) but I managed the tens, hundreths and thousands thang and even got control of the whole rounding up thang with a table of six.

We then did PE - which to me was running through the hills in short shorts, with mud, snow and pimples so large on our legs they matched the hills we were running over. To these kids though its a chance to learn, stretch and involve each other - perogative learning!

The final lesson was English - "Water babies". Angie (but not in front of the children) said I'm going to read this and I want you to follow it. My heart sunk and I was driven back to Miss Hughes reading through a story in a dead pan voice, no intonation and no full stops. Angie acted out much of the first chapter, discussing with the kids hard word that may not be understood and comparing today's life with the years of yesteryear.

I left after 3hrs feeling that I had learnt more in this time than I have learnt from my course in six months. The staff were friendly and welcoming and the kids - well they were quite lovely. Not the yobs of years to come but kids who wanted to learn, please and quite frankly shine.

Inspiration - Ive already decided to sign Dylan up.

The only thing I'm trying to get used to is being called Miss!!!

18 months old

What a milestone, my wee baby - or should that be toddler - has passed this milestone, my favourite baby site babycentre.co.uk says this:

On the move - Your 18-month-old is becoming a proficient walker. Ha - we laugh at walking - he is running! He may motor up stairs with help (huh - gates have been removed because he's just so bally confident and I cant be bothered to keep bumping into them whenever Ive had a drink)and likes to climb all over your furniture. He'll try to kick a ball, though he won't always be successful. He probably likes to dance if you play music and will push and turn buttons and knobs if they're in reach - Yep, switching tv on and off and the microwave has become the "it" toy of the moment.


Is he ready for toilet training? Before a child can learn to use a potty, he must develop the sensory awareness that allows him to hold in his urine or bowel movements. Most toddlers don't learn this until they are at least 18 months old. You'll have much better success if you wait until your child is showing all the signs of readiness before you start potty training.

Have to admit that this is the next step I want to crack - Ive been using re-usable nappies and whilst I love them the idea of getting rid of them makes me SMILE - so here is to potty training.

Developing memory and imagination - Somewhere between 18 months and 24 months your toddler will begin to show that he can think about things that aren't present. For example, he'll no longer be confused if you hide an object while he watches and then move it to another spot when he's looking away. After he discovers it's not where he thought it was, he'll keep searching.

Im really pee'd off about this cause its one of my favourite games, keeps Dylan busy for ages. I hide all of his toys and then he spend the morning looking for them. It used to be called putting things away!!!


Comfort objects and habits - For a toddler, a favourite stuffed toy is a great source of comfort. He might also have some habits that soothe him -- like twirling his hair, rocking, or sucking his thumb. Most children naturally outgrow these things by the time they're four, so there's no need to intervene now.

Dylan has taken to carrying things around in three's, the tiger, the elephant and the lion. Thomas, Edward and the blue train from Thomas the tank engine. The only exceptions to this rule of three is Roly Mo and little Mo who can be added to any of the above or just carried on thier own. Im not sure where this three rule came from, other than we always count to three - perhaps I should up the anti.


Discipline - If you reward good behaviour and do not reward bad behaviour, your child will quickly learn right from wrong. You could try to model the behaviour you hope to foster in your children, because they will learn by copying you. If you make a rule, like never allowing your child to leave the garden without an adult, then stick to it, and never let him risk it. He will soon remember that it is taboo.

Ahhh the ole stick to the rule rule.... hmm struggling with this one. That's me not Dylan, its really hard to say "No" and mean it when your peeing yourself laughing.

Anyway, its been a fantastic 18 months and Ive loved so much of the time, yes some of it has made me cry, but most of it Ive been laughing. Have to include this one pick - does it show potential to be a computer wizard!

Time flies

And I have done nothing, nothing I tell you except eat - not great for the diet. Sleep - hard when you have to get up at 6 most mornings and work - yep finally working night times to bring in those all elusive pennies.

Im working Tuesday and Thursday nights, its hard on the ole body clock - but the bank manager is a whole lot happier. Ive also completed my training for "Sing and sign". Dylan and I have been watchin the training video every day, Id like to think I have the confidence to do it, but the closer the day arrives to my new job the more Im begining to think, why the hell would anyone want me teaching them when Im singing.

To this end I watched Xfactor tonight and it scares me how confident people are, I mean there is a world of madness out there that think they can hold a tune in a tin can, and there is the big Simon and Louis saying no. Here I am putting myself forward as not only a tutor but someone with the ability to hold it all together with "twinkle twinkle little star" and "Old McDonald". Try it, sing those songs and suddenly realise that you need a drum beat and harmonies to hold it all together.

Other than that I've aquired two doors, with glass in them for my hall and toilet. I know - why would anyone want a door on a toilet with a glass panel, but it lets the light into my very dark hallway - only to discover that they are 2 inches two short. And who says size doesnt matter. Will freecycle them in the hope that size doesnt matter to someone.

Ive also got some paint for my bedroom, it blue, this house is becoming very blue. Its not one of my favourite colours but beggars cant be choosers and it came to me free. Im lining it up for my two weeks off at the end of this month. I was supposed to be going to Italy, but things didnt work out. Im now going to spend it trying to do as much DIY in this place as possible, in the hope that I will get a vist from Mr P (ex landlord who now lives in NZ) and his new sex goddess Freya.

We have also had fleas - yep, the cats, who lived with bunnies, mice and hedgelhogs in the caravan brought these peskie beasties into my house. I found one in Dylan's hair - FREAK ZONE - the house and cats were de-liced immediately with a deadly "Get out of your house" spray. No living thing was allowed in the house for two hours after spraying and the poor spiders and woodlice who have found comfort from the downpours that have been happening over the last couple of weeks, have died - mercelessly. Im assuming it was good stuff!!

Other than that all is fine and dandy. Dylan is with his pappy tonight, so Im on the VODKA - hmmm so nice. Off for a bath and then onto a good book. Cant remember what Im reading at this present moment in time but Im sure its something intelligent.

Gardening.

Ive spent the week digging up my garden following a free cycle advert. I got a bunch of red stones, gravel, and decided to renew the garden. Dylan helped, in many ways.



It was a slow process and eventually ended I up enlisting the kids from next door, slave labour is great, to dig up the cement.

Drank four cups of coffee and put down the gravel - who needs alcohol. I was a bit worried about Dylan on the gravel, but apparently its great for sticking down the side of his ball pool.

Each day amazes me with how he develops. How we develop. Sometimes Im caught thinking "how did I get so lucky". He strives each day to see something new and Im caught up in the excitement of life. The exploration of a new road, the finding of a leaf, the big dog at the end of the lane.

I offer him choices of cereal and he makes his choice. He is now pouring the chosen cereal in to a bowl, putting the box into the bin and follwing through things we take for granted, and it fills me with joy.

He's an obnoxious little grit when it comes to the word "no". He actually looks at you and smiles and then does whatever your saying no to, but I cannot stop laughing at him. The other day when I said to him "no, you cant do that, you have to take off your shoes" he looked at me, looked at his shoes and pulled at the velcro.

Ah he fills me with such joy.

I said goodbye to him today, when Keefe drove away with him, and my life felt empty. Of course I did what any sane person does and donned my marigolds and started cleaning. Luckily Hooch called me and stopped me cleaning floors.

Thank god for friends.

Argh - I swore

I would be more prolific with my blogging. D-man shames me with his daily updates, luckily Helen (Bugger she just updated) is as lax as I am.

So current situation.
Its 22.48 I'm watching Becket ( with Richard Burton) studied it at school and want to see if I actually read it. It appears I didnt!

Drink wise I'm a bottle of champagne ahead - it was reduced down to 4.49 from 10.99 and figured it was a good buy. Have cracked open second but getting wobbly fingered.

Emotionally wise: Dealing with shit. Have had a horrid cold. Men would call it flu but have got through it with child..... argh I love that sentence. Says so much to those who know and means so little to those it should.

Dylan is getting his second too last lot of teeth, so hopping the teething milarky will stop. But learning that with babies, once you deal with one load another comes firmly on top.

Breast wise: I'm under construction. Spent the weekend before appointment drinking nothing but water - sorry turning off Becket and going for "Fall of eagles" cause its got big skirts - and eating celery.

I was actually still 4lbs above my target weight, but consultant wiggled my boobs into all sorts or strange positions, measured my collar bones to nipples and proclaimed me a "prime candidate". I was then taken upstairs for my bloods and photographs, which were not taken cause the geezers had left for the day and that was me in.

I've also been given the go ahead for sing and sign. I'm teaching on a Saturday morning, two hours a week, and I'm, to put it politely, crapping myself.

Ive dug the garden up, moved slabs and grunged. Dylan has entertained me with his exploration of worms, he doesn't like wood lice, and mud eating. Apparently I'm not supposed to let him do this, but he seems to enjoy it. Maybe this is a forewarning of times to come "but officer, he so loved to cuddle those cute kittens". For now though I just see it as an exploration of life, what he puts in his mouth and doesn't enjoy he spits out....

What greater lesson can we learn!

Janines and Garys Sadness.

The cremation has happened of a little tiny soul. Janine's blog shows her sadness and pain and I cry when I read it, but I know she is strong woman who will learn to live with her sadness as time softens the pain.

I dont know what to say to her, I have picked up the phone so many times, but never quite had the strength to dial the number, I know I will just say the wrong thing, the stupid thing.

What do you say to someone who is dealing with so much pain and anguish, how do you show you care! Every day Dylan does something new and amazing and I am filled with such happiness that he is here with me. How can I help Janine cope with not having these memories, how can I take her hand and say "it will leasen" when I do not think I could deal with the sadness myself.

Its my birthday

And I will cry if I want too.

Today I turned 37 - nothing Im too bothered about, in fact it felt quite lovely to be woken up this morning by my favourite guy with a kiss and a wet nappy in my face. We played quite happily for the morning until I got a text from a friend called Janine, she had given birth to a little boy three days ago, Jamie, but sadly he had a heart defect and he had died.

I sat on the sofa clinging to Dylan my heart aching for Janine, Gary and their girls.I held Dylan so tight and clung to the thought that I am one of the lucky ones.

My heart goes out to this family who, for the last 40 weeks have looked forward to bringing new life into the world. A lovely family who cares and shares love and laughter. I do not know how Janine is coping with the loss, her body still thinking it has a child to feed and care for. Her emotions must be going through hell. I can only wish them love and peace at this hard, hard time.

I took salmon pie - it is not enough but it was my way of saying, I care.

Gardening is fun.

My mum is a bit of a gardening wizard. She makes things grow that shouldn't grow and they grow BIG! My wee garden was a real tip when I moved in - totally over grown and rather disgusting, full of cat poo, crisp packets and beer cans.

Mum however has been up two or three times and the garden has become a nice place to be in. It took a lot of time and lots of digging, clearing and planting. Plants are not my big thing - I'm a bit of a plant killer, but I've been converted. I'm growing tomatoes and peas. Matron and Hooch you are my inspiration.

Dylan loves it when we are out in the garden, its an obvious time for him to play in water and mud.



I brought some garden ornaments, a cow, a pig and a sheep, from Morrisons. Dylan loved them, but sadly they haven't lasted all that long. The sheep lost its ears within the first couple of minutes and the poor cow...



Best of all though was seeing Dylan lying with his face in a puddle blowing bubbles.

Happy Fathers Day.

Sunday we generally spend at mum and dads, mum cooks and I sit on my bum and watch my dad behaving like a three year old.

This weekend though was a special weekend as it was Fathers Day. As Keefe was down in London it was great to not worry about who Dylan was with. For Fathers day I had put together a collage of pictures of Dylan, for Keefe and my dad. Dad was really touched by it. He generally doesnt do photo's but the frame has been put in pride of place in the front room.

My brother, Shane, is a little bit mad and had asked my dad a couple of weeks ago what he wanted. Dad said "nothing really, just get something for Dylan". On Saturday a huge box arrived and this was inside it....



It took a while to blow up.



It set Dads electric pump smoking and mum and I were sent post haste to pick up a new pump. Dylan enjoyed playing in the box with the three hundred balls Shane had sent to accompany the boat - so Dylan wouldnt get bored.



Dad and Dylan had a "whale" of a time playing pirates, with thier sea dog, Jezz.



Mum and dad have now turned thier front room into a Marina....

Shiremoor Fair

Today I had to go into work, it was a bit of a pleasure actually as it was a fair.
There were all the usual stalls, bouncy castles and candy floss.



The weather promised rain, but we struck lucky and the sun showed its face. I thought it would be a bit of a pain as I had to take Dylan with me, cause Keefe was working, but everyone made him really welcome. He was given a balloon, which he carried everywhere. Stopping occassionally to flirt with the old ladies I was attempting to convince computers were fun. I spent most of my time running round after him, pretending to hand out leaflets.

We went on the tea cups


, ate candifloss and played on the computers....


All in all a rather lovely day.

Little Bloke turns 15 months.

Well what more can I say but that. He is walking, running, climbing stairs. Talking - the basics: mama-ma, daddi, gog (Dog), giving kisses, laughing like a drain and showing a personality that scares me - lol!



Each day I count my blessings, pick up the toys, clean the nappies and lie at night looking at his little face in wonder.

Big boobs no more.

This last couple of months Ive been desperately trying to loose weight, cause my Dr promised me that if I could get down to a set weight I would be considered for a breast reduction. So tell me why when I loose a couple of pounds am I sabotaging my own efforts with Pizza and wine.

I really want this op, I want to feel normal, I want to be able to run, jump and cross my own arms just like any normal girl (hahahhaha). But really I want to not have guys staring at my breasts like they are some gift from Budah.

Tell me why!

Ive got a stone to loose. I need to loose weight by August 6th... can I do it...

BLAHHHAHAHHAAH!

Me n my boy went cycling.

The other day the large globe in the sky shone and it was warm. So I got out my bike and dusted off the battery, which was still charged, and we went for a cycle. We didnt go far, just down to the beach, where a friend took this pic



but we had fun. Sometimes its hard to come back to this site and blog, cause I havent got my camera and my worms always seem wiggly without a pic to show what I mean, but today was lovely. Just me and the little guy enjoying the sunshine, meeting up with a friend and drinking caffe late(sp)

Life is good - especially when your not worrying about rain clouds.

Complete Bliss

Last night Dylan wouldnt sleep in his bed. He woke every hour on the hour, and I was intent on drinking a bottle of wine. Two glasses in and half way through "Ugly Betty" he cried again. I heard little feet thumping across the ceiling and suddenly he wailed.

I put out my fag (one should always keep the available homosexual available) and headed upstairs. There clinging on to the door gate was a little elf, his trouser leg to his new pj's climbing up his legs, his hair ruffled and his bottom lip trembling, his little arms held out "mummy".

I went into the bathroom and swilled my mouth, washed my hands and sprayed myself with deodorant - I hate the thought of him smelling me full of smoke - so I go through this rigmorole if I have slipped myself a sneaky fag.

He still cried out.

I picked him up and carried him into my room and he snuffled himself into my chest, his hand gently stroking my face and I felt bliss. I want to be a good mummie, I want to give this little being everything I can, to show him the good in our world, to teach him to laugh and dance, to listen when he is talked to and to smile through his fears. I want to protect him, hold him back from the scary stuff and wrap him in bubble wrap. I want to take him in my arms and make sure he is never hurt.

This is cleaning up poo one moment and loving his smile the next. Is this unconditional love?

White House Farm

Today Dylan and I joined Annette, Orlan, Jo and Naomi at the White house farm, which is a working farm that has opened its doors to the public. Its a fantastic day out and we were celebrating Naomi's birthday. Naomi was the last of the babies to be born, so now the NTC group have all turned 1. How quickly has that gone?

We saw goats, which Dylan loved, Rabbits of all types, the giant ones were amazing and I would love one to have at home, just not sure the cats would go for it... or rather they would go for it and that would be the problem.

We were also lucky enough to be involved in a lamb feeding - Dylan slept through this but Jo who loves sheep was totally excited.




We had to stop her trying to fit the lamb in her jacket...



Sadly the camera batteries ran out just after taking these pics.

We also had a little tour with the pigs - Annette's favourite animals - and were able to pat a pregnant pig called Lacey. I never knew there was so much to pig mating habits!!!

There was a soft play area, which we didn't go into but we did play in the park and went on a tractor ride. All in all a really lovely day out. Dylan walked so much that he actually got a little blister on his foot but he didn't seem to mind as long as he could torment the goats and chase the rabbits.

Arghhh Child minding problems.

Mum has been really poorly these last couple of weeks, with a sickness and diarrhoea thing that seems to have rolled into horrid proportions. Anyway because she hasn't been well Ive had to "farm" Dylan out to Jo, my next door neighbour. Jo is lovely and has been a real sport looking after him - especially as he has been teething so badly, not been the best baby to look after.

Today though to give Jo a break Annette took Dylan on. He apparently bawled his eyes out when I left but settled in front of the TV with Orla to watch the sing and sign video. Its great to see Dylan and Orla playing together they really interact so well and its fun seeing them learning from each other. Dylan taught Orla to climb the furniture and Orla taught Dylan to throw balls all over the floor so Annette could trip up over them.

My how they giggled!

Annette said she had fun, but found it a challenge, I managed to get back at Dinner time, which was great as Annette makes the best sandwhiches. Dylan went straight to sleep after wards which sounds great apart from the waking up, and screaming for his mommie...

Ive offered to reciprocate but not sure I will handle it as well.

Still Teething

Yes, its still on going, poor wee mite is really suffering with his molars. The top two have come through and seem to be cutting into the bottom gums, most nights he is awake at least four or five times, crying and moaning. Ive tried all the liquids and gels but nothing seems to be helping him.


He has stopped eating most foods, even bananas and for the President of the Banana fan club thats a serious thing to happen. The only things he wants to eat are yoghurts and anything that is cold, so Im feeding him grapes and mango when he gets so hungry he will eat.

I feel quite helpless, watching his pain and being able to do nothing to help. Last night he lay in my arms simply snuffling his way through sleep, desperately clinging to my neck each time the pain washed over him. I wish I could take his pain away, I would even take it onto myself if that were possible but its not, so all I can do is hold him when he hurts and try to give him as much comfort as possible.