Happy Fathers Day.

Sunday we generally spend at mum and dads, mum cooks and I sit on my bum and watch my dad behaving like a three year old.

This weekend though was a special weekend as it was Fathers Day. As Keefe was down in London it was great to not worry about who Dylan was with. For Fathers day I had put together a collage of pictures of Dylan, for Keefe and my dad. Dad was really touched by it. He generally doesnt do photo's but the frame has been put in pride of place in the front room.

My brother, Shane, is a little bit mad and had asked my dad a couple of weeks ago what he wanted. Dad said "nothing really, just get something for Dylan". On Saturday a huge box arrived and this was inside it....



It took a while to blow up.



It set Dads electric pump smoking and mum and I were sent post haste to pick up a new pump. Dylan enjoyed playing in the box with the three hundred balls Shane had sent to accompany the boat - so Dylan wouldnt get bored.



Dad and Dylan had a "whale" of a time playing pirates, with thier sea dog, Jezz.



Mum and dad have now turned thier front room into a Marina....

Shiremoor Fair

Today I had to go into work, it was a bit of a pleasure actually as it was a fair.
There were all the usual stalls, bouncy castles and candy floss.



The weather promised rain, but we struck lucky and the sun showed its face. I thought it would be a bit of a pain as I had to take Dylan with me, cause Keefe was working, but everyone made him really welcome. He was given a balloon, which he carried everywhere. Stopping occassionally to flirt with the old ladies I was attempting to convince computers were fun. I spent most of my time running round after him, pretending to hand out leaflets.

We went on the tea cups


, ate candifloss and played on the computers....


All in all a rather lovely day.

Little Bloke turns 15 months.

Well what more can I say but that. He is walking, running, climbing stairs. Talking - the basics: mama-ma, daddi, gog (Dog), giving kisses, laughing like a drain and showing a personality that scares me - lol!



Each day I count my blessings, pick up the toys, clean the nappies and lie at night looking at his little face in wonder.

Big boobs no more.

This last couple of months Ive been desperately trying to loose weight, cause my Dr promised me that if I could get down to a set weight I would be considered for a breast reduction. So tell me why when I loose a couple of pounds am I sabotaging my own efforts with Pizza and wine.

I really want this op, I want to feel normal, I want to be able to run, jump and cross my own arms just like any normal girl (hahahhaha). But really I want to not have guys staring at my breasts like they are some gift from Budah.

Tell me why!

Ive got a stone to loose. I need to loose weight by August 6th... can I do it...

BLAHHHAHAHHAAH!

Me n my boy went cycling.

The other day the large globe in the sky shone and it was warm. So I got out my bike and dusted off the battery, which was still charged, and we went for a cycle. We didnt go far, just down to the beach, where a friend took this pic



but we had fun. Sometimes its hard to come back to this site and blog, cause I havent got my camera and my worms always seem wiggly without a pic to show what I mean, but today was lovely. Just me and the little guy enjoying the sunshine, meeting up with a friend and drinking caffe late(sp)

Life is good - especially when your not worrying about rain clouds.

Complete Bliss

Last night Dylan wouldnt sleep in his bed. He woke every hour on the hour, and I was intent on drinking a bottle of wine. Two glasses in and half way through "Ugly Betty" he cried again. I heard little feet thumping across the ceiling and suddenly he wailed.

I put out my fag (one should always keep the available homosexual available) and headed upstairs. There clinging on to the door gate was a little elf, his trouser leg to his new pj's climbing up his legs, his hair ruffled and his bottom lip trembling, his little arms held out "mummy".

I went into the bathroom and swilled my mouth, washed my hands and sprayed myself with deodorant - I hate the thought of him smelling me full of smoke - so I go through this rigmorole if I have slipped myself a sneaky fag.

He still cried out.

I picked him up and carried him into my room and he snuffled himself into my chest, his hand gently stroking my face and I felt bliss. I want to be a good mummie, I want to give this little being everything I can, to show him the good in our world, to teach him to laugh and dance, to listen when he is talked to and to smile through his fears. I want to protect him, hold him back from the scary stuff and wrap him in bubble wrap. I want to take him in my arms and make sure he is never hurt.

This is cleaning up poo one moment and loving his smile the next. Is this unconditional love?

White House Farm

Today Dylan and I joined Annette, Orlan, Jo and Naomi at the White house farm, which is a working farm that has opened its doors to the public. Its a fantastic day out and we were celebrating Naomi's birthday. Naomi was the last of the babies to be born, so now the NTC group have all turned 1. How quickly has that gone?

We saw goats, which Dylan loved, Rabbits of all types, the giant ones were amazing and I would love one to have at home, just not sure the cats would go for it... or rather they would go for it and that would be the problem.

We were also lucky enough to be involved in a lamb feeding - Dylan slept through this but Jo who loves sheep was totally excited.




We had to stop her trying to fit the lamb in her jacket...



Sadly the camera batteries ran out just after taking these pics.

We also had a little tour with the pigs - Annette's favourite animals - and were able to pat a pregnant pig called Lacey. I never knew there was so much to pig mating habits!!!

There was a soft play area, which we didn't go into but we did play in the park and went on a tractor ride. All in all a really lovely day out. Dylan walked so much that he actually got a little blister on his foot but he didn't seem to mind as long as he could torment the goats and chase the rabbits.

Arghhh Child minding problems.

Mum has been really poorly these last couple of weeks, with a sickness and diarrhoea thing that seems to have rolled into horrid proportions. Anyway because she hasn't been well Ive had to "farm" Dylan out to Jo, my next door neighbour. Jo is lovely and has been a real sport looking after him - especially as he has been teething so badly, not been the best baby to look after.

Today though to give Jo a break Annette took Dylan on. He apparently bawled his eyes out when I left but settled in front of the TV with Orla to watch the sing and sign video. Its great to see Dylan and Orla playing together they really interact so well and its fun seeing them learning from each other. Dylan taught Orla to climb the furniture and Orla taught Dylan to throw balls all over the floor so Annette could trip up over them.

My how they giggled!

Annette said she had fun, but found it a challenge, I managed to get back at Dinner time, which was great as Annette makes the best sandwhiches. Dylan went straight to sleep after wards which sounds great apart from the waking up, and screaming for his mommie...

Ive offered to reciprocate but not sure I will handle it as well.

Still Teething

Yes, its still on going, poor wee mite is really suffering with his molars. The top two have come through and seem to be cutting into the bottom gums, most nights he is awake at least four or five times, crying and moaning. Ive tried all the liquids and gels but nothing seems to be helping him.


He has stopped eating most foods, even bananas and for the President of the Banana fan club thats a serious thing to happen. The only things he wants to eat are yoghurts and anything that is cold, so Im feeding him grapes and mango when he gets so hungry he will eat.

I feel quite helpless, watching his pain and being able to do nothing to help. Last night he lay in my arms simply snuffling his way through sleep, desperately clinging to my neck each time the pain washed over him. I wish I could take his pain away, I would even take it onto myself if that were possible but its not, so all I can do is hold him when he hurts and try to give him as much comfort as possible.

Water play

Isn't it great, all this fantastic weather - Lets just hope it's not the only sunshine we are going to get - and good weather means water play. Dylan has been dying to get out into the garden to play so mum took him into hers, he loves mums garden, there are so many weird and interesting things to play with and break.

Today though it was just fun playing with buckets of water, getting drenched and chucking water at the cats and dogs.



He has been teething - his molar teeth are coming through and its been painful, Ive been using ambasol which usually has good results but even that hasn't been easing the pain, so it was lovely to seem him today smiling and laughing, just enjoying himself.

I change when my bloke isn't around!

Its true. Ive always laughed at those girls who suddenly stop answering their phones, who change to fit in with the "boyfriend", it seemed strange to me that they mould their personalities to fit with someone else. If the someone else loved them wouldnt they want them to be the same all the time - to be true to themselves?

Today I had the most gorgeous day with my wee man. I've got my bike back up and running and have attached the trailer my papa brought for us. We cycled all the way to Tynemouth (about 4 miles) and joined friends Jo, baby Naiomi, Helen and baby Archie and Annette and Orla. We had coffee and played. Babies running, walking and crawling all over the shop.

Im a clean living mumma who loves her little boy.

Keefe picked up Dylan and took him away.

Without my wee man around I drink, smoke, swear, listen to my car radio so it blows out my ear drums and worst of all drive above the speed limit.

Im a wild child!!!

Its a scary world

I woke this morning to hear this on the news.
Why was this guy so angry that he took a gun and torn the lives from 33 people. What could justify such action?

I turned and cuddled Dylan. It scares me that Im bringing a little human up into such a sad and angry world. What will he accept as the norm in years to come. How can we change it?

Plans of fools

Two posts in one day. Almost too much. But had to blog after my previous post to tell the world about my failed plans.

The last time I made plans I went out with a friend, watched a great movie - cant remember the title, but it was the one with Bridget Jones playing the woman who wrote about bunnies. I then proceeded to get drunk, behave in a rather bizarre manner had a fairly strange night, it was good.

So knowing Keefe was taking Dylan tonight I made plans. I booked tickets to watch another film and got ready. Then Keefe, who was looking after a rather grumpy Dylan, called me at six o'clock to say that Dylan hadn't settled, in fact he had cried from the moment he left me. He said he was bringing him back.

I didn't tell Keefe I had plans. I said "call me if you have any problems", so was my fault that he called? I cancelled my plans and I waited for Keefe to ring me to say he was bringing Dylan back, but he didnt call.

I've spent the night cleaning the house, putting up a blind in Dylan's room (its a real mess but I give up trying to cut a straight line)and drinking wine. Bugger me, the trials and tribulations of being a mommie.

Blogging.

I'm not sure if Ive covered this before but Ive been lax in my blogging recently cause I'm not sure about the direction it's going in. I loved my old blog but felt that I needed one for Dylan, so I started this one, then I found myself just blogging on this one and not on the other, but I find it hard to blog my own feelings on this one because its Dylan's.

I know blogs are whatever you are want them to be about so if this changes direction and you don't like it I suppose I'm saying sorry. Im not like D-Man with a huge readership, frequent updates and post of hillarious content, but at least I will be blogging on a more frequent basis and I suppose the title is ME, MYSELF and Dylan so I can blog about me and not just Dylan.

Can I?
Should I?
or more importantly
Will I!

New cot - big boy

Today Keefe came and helped me prepare Dylans bedroom for the big move. Keefe did all the difficult cuts and I laid the simple (Straight) bits of laminate flooring. Ive already painted the walls - blue of course - and put up his pictures.

It felt strange preparing his room away from me but its time. Whenever I go to bed I wake him with my snuffling about, tonight it will be nice to climb into bed, switch on my bedside lamp and read without guilt. Ive place a box by the side of my bed so he can get into my bed unassisted.

We just had a trial run. At about 10.30 tonight Dylan woke up and cried out. When I went into the bedroom, his bedroom, he was sitting in his bed just waiting for me. With the light from the hallway he proceeded to inspect his room, pointing at all the pictures and things I have hanging from the ceiling for him. "Ohhh", "Ahhh" and our favourite "Eeee", accompanied by him patting his chest and grinning. Once the room had passed inspection he toddled into my r and had a good look round, checked out the bed by climbing on it,(the box worked) climbed off after pulling the cats tail and toddled back to his room where he climbed back into his bed and went to sleep.

My baby aint a baby no more. He is a toddler - with his own room.

Birthday boy

I wasn't going to have a party, because there are so many parties for us to attend this month, but then it hit me that it is just not the done thing to NOT have that first birthday party picture.

So in my usual haphazard way I sent out emails to friends and family and then ran round all day yesterday attempting to get the house, myself and Dylan organised for the said party.

After scrubbing floors, cleaning windows (why do I put myself through this) baking a cake - a whole fiasco that deserves its own blog, but not got the time - I finally filled up my wine glass and welcomed Jo, Becki and Josh (my next door neighbours) as our first guests.

From then on it was just one wonderful guest after another, Kath (From the theatre) Daniel (Keefe's son), Malcolm, My mum and dad, Nicky and Rob, Rich, Andrea and Kiera, Annemarie and Ged, Carol and her two grandsons Nathan and Costa, Sue and Jack, Julie and Eva, Annette and Orla, and Sue - without Mathew cause of chickenpox - it was a mad 3 hours but totally lovely and I really appreciate the effort that everyone made in coming on such short notice.

Dylan finally allowed me to put him down at 4.30 and slept for a whole 35 minutes - he is just so bally nosey.

Keefe left with Malcolm, Daniel and my baby boy and I filled up my wine glass, ate the last of the pringles and humus and chilled.

Fabtastic - Happy Birthday Dylan, I love you so much.

PS Camera broken so cant download any more pictures - WAHHHHHHHH!!!

New Shoes

Nanny San got so excited at the prospect of buying new shoes today that instead of going off and doing the weekly shop we went to Clarks and brought Dylan not one but two pairs of shoes.

I have to say the service was lovely, they made it such a special occassion. Measuring up his little feet and trying on several styles before settling with the ones we did.

They even take little pictures so you can remember the day. Still to be scanned so for the time being here's a couple of pics of the wee man in his shoes.





Dylan was, as usual, a total star and once he got his new shoes walked round the shop flirting with the staff and generally enjoying his new freedom.

I felt a huge lump in my throat cause he really is developing into a little person and its finally hitting me that this is all very much for real. Its taken me a while but Im so very happy and content!

Sex Bomb

This one is for all the girls out there, who didnt get a valentines day card (like me).

My very own little sex bomb





I just know he will kill me for photo's in this blog. But hey, Im his mommie and Im allowed!!

My baby is walking.

Dylan has been bimbiling for the last couple of months, I was convinced that he was going to walk before Christmas but he just took a couple of steps and then dropped to the floor to resume his crawl.

But this last week he has been taking a few more tentative steps and tonight he walked right across the living room, raised his arms and grinned like an idiot. Suddenly he has found his feet and he is Loving it.

This video was captured a week after this post, but captures him perfectly.


My baby is a big boy!!!

Keeping your child occupied

There are lots of ways for us mums to keep our little ones busy whilst we do the things in life we are meant to be doing - cleaning, cooking, eating cookies but we have to bear in mind health and safety and the whole childhood abuse thing.

So what did I do...



It was very good whilst I let him play with the toilet roll



But once I tried to take it away

He's becoming such a little personality, knowing exactly what he wants and what he doesnt.

Work - its a big yes

Well I went into work and it wasnt too bad, it was actually quite good. I talked to Mick and laid all my cards on the table. I told him how I felt and asked for his help and support. We talked lots and were open and and grown up about the whole thing.

Not sure if it was the depression clouding my view, or just fear, but Mick was actually lovely and made the whole process of coming back really easy. He isnt the bad guy I was fighting with last year. Perhaps as Ive found myself again my perceptions of people will change. My first week was actually enjoyable, I felt as if I could do it.

Dylan loved spending his time with Nanny San and I so looked forward to seeing him after a days work. Our days off were spent just enjoying being with each other.

Say hello to the new positive Shannon. Part time ICT Tutor and full time mommie.

Back to work - Wahhhhh

Yes tomorrow is the big day! I'm returning to work, fighting with Mick the Mawanker and attempting to keep my sanity. Ive got myself organised, bags packed for Dylan and me. My uniform has been firmly placed in the bin and Ive raided George at Asda for cheap work trousers and a couple of tops that don't make me look like a frump. I'm sat here a little bit apprehensive about returning to work but no where as nervous as I was last time.

Dylan and I have been really lucky in a way to have this extra time together. I know I shouldn't be looking at sick leave as "lucky" but Ive seen him grown so much in this last four months that I feel confident he and I are both ready to face the big wide world again.

I'm feeling pretty positive. Pretty certain of what I want to be doing and where I need to be going. Now I just have to hope that Mick and NTC will let me do what I do best (No not blog and surf the Internet)but teach and interact with people - enthuse them about computers and learning.

And how is Dylan doing this week. Well he has started pointing at things and naming them. Obviously nothing he is saying as yet is really intelligible but he definitely has set words for certain things. Mum and Dad's dog is "oof" and the various cats are always screeched at with "at". I'm sometimes "mama", but more often that not I just get raspberries blown on me. K is addressed as "Da" which makes him smile no end.

He now has 8 teeth, four on the top and four on the bottom. All of which seem to have caused a sore bottom and sleepless nights. But he is now eating like a little pig and loving almost everything. The only thing he has so far "yucked" is mackerel and Lychee's. But I keep on trying them!

He is going to mum for child care. I'm really happy about it but do fear I'm going to have a child who is 8 stone before he is two as mum seems to think the best way to stop him crying is to give him his treat box (Which he already pulls out of the cupboard by himself). She also believes in old fashioned ways of child minding - this included sink bathing....



Yes that is an apple he has in there with him. Lets face it, if he's in the water and eating he wont get messy!!!

HELP!!!

Dylan the Elf

Ho HO Ho... think I might be a bit late with this one, but just found these pics and had to do a blog to show them.

At our last week of Sing and sign we had a Christams session. All the babies were supposed to come in fancy dress. Unfortunately, Jo, Annette, Suzanne and I seemed to be the only ones who were in on the secret, but with our Reindeer and snowmen hats, we sat in festive costume not careing one iota if we looked silly.

Dylan of course looked gorgeous - if slightly sulky. He wouldnt keep his cotton wool beard on and was teething a bit. But cute!!!


Could this be his first kiss with Niaomi?



I actually think he was after her dummy, but in years to come that little snippet of information will have been forgotten.

Walking with the girls.

Just a quick blog, and not really about anything, but this morning whilst Annette, Jo and I walked to Sing and Sign I took this picture. Just think it was gorgeous!



Sometimes when I walk with these two they turn my world upside down with thier questions. Today though we pretty much walked in silence just enjoying the park.

Bath time with bubbles.

Oh my, we had fun - Dylan is now sitting happily in the bath on his own, although he does prefer to be in his seat. I think it gives him greater security when splashing water and attempting to drown the toys, of which there are numerous all with very strange names.

K is primary bather - and the toys have names like "Freddie Frog" who comes from the Bahamas and talks in a very pronounced accent, or "Polly Penguin" who is from "Africa" (HUH!). Generally I sit on the top of the stairs grinning, listening to the chatter. Dylan gurgles, yells and giggles his way through the stories K tells him, trying his best to get him as wet as possible.

Today K called me into the bathroom to view our very own little bearded Pixie.



Things are getting easier between the two of us and I think this is reflected in our attitudes towards each other. Ive become, with the aid of my happy pills, a lot more relaxed and in relaxing the little things that would have wound me up before no longer bother me.

Get me I didn't hoover this weekend, or dust - and not for the first time. And the Bathroom is on my list of things to do, so please no comments about the lovely tiles in the background.

First real bout of sickness.

Dylan has been really poorly this last week. He had a serious bout of diarrhea. Last Saturday it was bad, really bad!

This week he has had such appalling nappy rash, caused I'm told, through the acidic pooh. I tried all sorts of creams but you know what worked best? Egg White. Yep smeared liberally over the offending area and left to dry.

We had lots of nappy time, which meant several small "accidents" but I really didn't mind cause laminate flooring can be easily cleaned.

Dylan smiled through most of the week, even though he was obviously in a lot of discomfort, today was his first "hard poo". Too much information Helen? Anyway I was a lot happier to let him go off with his dad knowing that he was getting better.

Drunken weekend.

Had a very drunken sleep deprived week and weekend with Bridget. I think the best part was actually allowing myself to get drunk and not sleep. Do the things I used to do with my girlfriends.

Chat, drink and talk crap.

Dylan suffered in no way at all. In fact the few times he woke and we brought him downstairs he entertained us quite nicely. If not for Dylan I probably wouldnt have gotten to bed at 6am on Saturday morning.....

We did a quick ticky tour round Newcastle - seeing the Baltic gallery and the Quayside (we got a ticket -BOO) and enjoyed an ice cream.

Saturday night we joined Annmarie and watched "Miss Potter" a lovely chic flic and a great way to spend the evening. Catching up with Bridget was lovely and I really enjoyed our time together. Im not sure who was leading whom astray but a good time was had by both of us.

Bridgets First Night in Newcastle

She drove through wind and howling gales. The sleet slashed against her windows and my directions were, as normal, a little bit crap. But eventually she found her way to us.

Dylan took to Bridget right away, smiling at her throughout his tea and flirting like a little flirty thang.



We started the evening quite sensibly, but two bottles of wine later, half a bottle of vodka(Just me) and a whole box of very luxurious chocolates Dylan was invited downstairs to join us.



Both Dylan and Tina were rather upset at just being given the empty box.



But soon found a way to entertain himself



Took me and Bridget at least another hour.... we should have followed Dylan's good example.

Arghhhhh

I have at least six posts but cannot get pics from Photobucket to reduce in size so am scuppered...

Anyone got any ideas.

Contact me

PLEASE!!!!

Christmas

Last year I cooked and panicked. This year mum was supposed to be cooking but went down with the dreaded lurgy... this meant I was back on for cooking so began to panic about 4.30 Christmas eve.

Luckily my gorgeous brother Shane came home from Iraq (He wasnt due home for another week or so) and he is such a fabtastic cook that he willingly took over the duties. Dad and I then sat on the sofa and proceeed to get drunk... a couple of bottles of wine later and a bottle of port and a bottle of wiskly and we were doing the "your fab", "No, jor Flab, fab" "I love you" thing.

Dylan woke the house at about 5.30 and we attempted to get him back to bed. Mum and I lay on her bed, I with my head nodding (Why did I drink so much) and mum wishing desperately attempting to not vomit. Hmmm maybe we were both trying not to be sick.

Anyway at a healthy 8.30 we groaned, moaned and drove ourselves from our beds. Dylan was put in front of his big box (Decorated about 10.30 before the port but after the wine). It had a couple of balloons in with feathers, bubbles and sparkly bits, with a few tinker toys and basic cheap but cheerful crap.



After saying to everyone "dont buy him much" Dylans pile of pressies was huge.



The mess was fantastic and feathers, sparkly bits and fun flew threw the air. Wrapping paper was, of course, the most played with thing and the big box was a total hit.

Wine,


good food,

family




and a surplus of love abounded. This was probably one of the nicest Christmases Ive had in such a long time.

Walking in the Clouds

This weekend I drove over to Cumbria to visit Shaun and Jo again. Did the usual plebbing, eating and drinking but we also took in a HILL. I'm reliably informed it was a hill by Shaun who yomped up the mountain like it was a Sunday morning stroll through a flat park, to me it felt like mount Everest. In fact I think the reason I was so short of breath was due to altitude sickness. I mean I walk on a regular basis with the pram with the girls, whats the big deal about walking up a slight incline - DOH!!!

Anyway we left the car in sunshine and headed for a peak that at the time didn't look that far way. Shaun volunteered to carry Dylan in the baby ruck sack they brought us in March and off we sauntered. Hats donned we bimbled towards the bottom of the hill.



10 mins up a "slight rise" and I had peeled off my jacket and was panting somewhat.20 mins of altitude sickness later the peak still seemed some miles away and the cloud cover was beginning to sink over the peak we were heading for.

Another 20 mins stomping through marsh land and climbing stiles and we reached the tor point.



The climb up had become really ethereal, we couldn't see our hands in front of our faces and I thought I had perhaps had a heart attack and had passed into the bad lands.

But Dylan and Jo's smiling little faces made me realise I hadn't died, I was just bally unfit.

Weekend away

Ive had such a lovely weekend. Left home on Friday and drove across to Cumbria to Shaun and Jo. The drive across was lovely even in the rain. Started to get things unpacked and then discovered the little man had hit the coal bucket.


I know I should have rushed to him and grabbed the coal from his hands but he was so full of himself I found myself reaching for the camera to capture the moment.



I lay on the floor laughing my head off. He lay on the floor laughing at me laughing at him. It was the begining of a great weekend.

Two tooth Browning becomes three tooth Browning

Yeah, little man has teethed his way through to five teeth. Two on the bottom - now very prominent - and three on the top. These top three were not as great a struggle as the bottom two. He was slightly upset and restless but there didn't seem to be as much dribbling, crying and general wakefulness as the first time.

He is obviously enjoying his new teeth as he now munches happily on his veg and enthusiastically chews and sucks his way through a slice of toast. I have also tried him out on the sweeter things in life. Chocolate isn't such a hit but ice cream made his eyes pop and he chomped his way through a bowl of ice cream and pured apple.

Ive also lost a lot of my own inhibitions about food and rather than saying "no he isn't going to have that" I'm now saying "If I'm eating, he can try it". This has been a fun stage with highs and lows but generally more highs.

Oh my - where did the month go.

Well its been a month of high highs and low lows but I'm generally feeling like the world is a much better place to be in. I'm occasionally having a bad day but they are becoming few and far between. I know I keep saying it but Dylan has really helped me get through this time. He is totally amazing and I've loved this "extra" time I have had with him going through this exciting stage of his life.

He is now sitting from standing really easily and has attempted to stand without the aid of furniture a few times. He is still wobbly bob most of the time without furniture but I believe he will be happily walking by Christmas.

He has also cut his third tooth (top right), discovered the hallway and downstairs toilet and attempted to get up the stairs. I found out he could negotiate the stairs when I pootled up stairs quickly to get his clothes this morning. I left him merrily playing in the living room with Rolly Mo and Crabby Crab. Having picked out his clothes for the day I headed downstairs to be met by a grinning elf who was obviously very proud of himself four steps up.

Nightmare - and a definite "Hello - where are the stair guards".

We spent the day with NannySan and Grandie who are the most "doting foggies". Dylan just grins and shrieks most of the time. Nap time and Quiet time are pretty non existent but he so loves them both its joyous to see.

Keefe and I are on a very even keel. We have got into a sort of routine and when he does something that I don't like I bite my tongue or, if I'm feeling strong enough to deal with it, I deal with it.

All in all the future looks bright.

For the last ten days the little man has got firmer and firmer on his feet. He still struggles every now and then with the sitting from standing thang, but on the whole he is happily charging from one piece of furniture to the next. Clinging to passing legs or just standing with his hand outstretched requesting help!

He is sooo adorable!

Whenever I feel blue I just sit and watch him. Discovering this brave new world!

Its official - I'm not post natal

I'm just depressed. Is there a "just depressed"? In a way its great. Lisa informs me I'm not post natal because of the obvious bond I have with Dylan. There is, from her observations, a lot of love between us and although I admitted to having hard days with Dylan its obvious to her that I love him and he loves me and I'm doing a fantastic job with him.

Obvious!

I wish I could see it, believe it. I still feel like I'm pretending a lot of the time. Pretending to be a mum, pretending to be coping, pretending that everything is ok. There is a dream like quality that surrounds me, but this is, obviously all part of my depression.

Obviously!!


Still not told Keefe why I'm off. He hasn't questioned my "mastitus" story. He obviously doesn't really care. And that suits me.

Obviously!!!

Visit from the Perenatal Nurse.

Lisa came today, she is a part of a team that deals with women who are post/anti natal. She was lovely and I only cried once. Why did I cry? Because I was talking about my fear of loosing Dylan. The sensible part of me knows it's not going to happen, everyone has told me so, but it is there constantly in the back of my mind. If I let go of my feelings, if I give in to this darkness that nips at me I will loose myself totally. The Chasm is deep and dark and I feel as if Im sitting on the edge.

So I have to hold on tight to my emotions, to remain in control. The downside being Im finding it hard to talk to anyone.

On the up - Dylan is going in leaps and bounds with his walking/crawling. He stood and bawled today because he was stuck on the table and wanted desperately to be sitting but couldnt figure out how to get to the floor. He really is a quick learner. Within about 10 minutes he was happily pulling himself up and sitting back down again all with his "how clever am I smile".



Bless him he really does make the grey skies blue.

Look Mum!

Couldnt believe it today Dylan pulled himself up onto the stool in the dinning room and began to push it ahead of himself - WALKING. Mum and I just stood open mouthed then we laughed at him, then I got out my camera.


He was obviously so delighted with his new trick.

Lovely Weekend in London.

Just when I felt really down this weekend came along. I wasnt sure whether I was going to actually do it. But I forced myself to pack my bag and headed off to the airport.

Dylan and I flew down to Standstead. When we were waiting in the loby I saw looks of horror pass over several passengers faces "Oh no, we have a baby on board - but he was a total star and slept through most of the flight, after flirting with the air hostesses. We stayed the night with Jayney and Joe - who were lovely. Joe cooked for us and we went for a fab walk in the morning. Dylan slept in a drawer! So cute but I didnt get a picture - loosing my touch!

Jayney dropped us off and we caught the train into London to meet H. It was the first time H has met the wee man and they got on like a house on fire. They had a great time playing Peek-a-boo.


In his Nappy and happy at Aunty Hx's

In fact she was the first person he waved at - Yes hes waving!!! Think the mentality level was about on par (don't mean it Hooch). He crawled into every corner investigating the new space - Hx's floor has never been so clean.

Sadly Keefe came way too soon to take Dylan away to meet his side of the family. Before I sobbed H had sipped a glass of happy juice into my hand and told me to pluck her eyebrows. Distraction being the best form of defense!

After dressing and applying slap we headed off to Graemes 50th bash at the Tower of London, we had a lovely evening doing what the Hooch and I do best. Met up with Marcelle and met some lovely folks. The evening passed in a flow of drinks and chat. Foot sore and all drank out and taxi ordered, Marci joined us and we headed back to Hx's.

Saturday morning H left us to go gas soldiers and Marcie and I waffled the afternoon and evening away.


Aunty Marci and Dylan.

Catching up with Hx and Marci was lovely and filled me with a sense of strength I've definitely felt lacking over the last months. Feeling as low as I have been has made me realise how much I miss my friends. I know that even alone as I am I'm no longer lonely.

Depression

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse it did. Monday I crashed - big time. I broke a cup and everything crumbled. I found myself lying on the floor sobbing my heart out inconsolable.

I finally picked up the phone and called Sheila, my health visitor. She came round within the hour - obviously stressed by my sobbing - and we talked. Or rather she talked I mumbled, cried and cried some more.

She made an appointment for me to see my Doctor, who was very lovely and very understanding, but who told me I was not just depressed I was, after completing the becks test, seriously depressed - one step up, or is that down, from clinically depressed.

He prescribed citralopan and signed me off work for 3 weeks, with the warning that I could be off for a lot longer and to prepare myself for that eventuality.

Admitting I'm not coping has come hard. I'm really scared that depression will allow Keefe to take Dylan - can I be charged incapable? Will he understand? Shiela says this won't/can't happen, but what if it does. Dylan is the only thing right now that is keeping me sane! I'm scared that if I let go I will loose myself.

Failing, failing, failing.....

Today was probably one of the lowest days of my life for a long time. I woke this morning before Dylan woke and attempted to express – ½ an ounce again. I felt so despondent. I attempted (as the book suggested) to get Dylan to feed from me an hour later but he wasn’t interested, actually gagging and arching his back.

I loaded him up in the car and drove to mums. I could feel the tears starting to well up as I took him inside. Mum obviously didn’t know what was up and I ended running from the house in tears, without even kissing Dylan goodbye.

I feel like my body has rejected Dylan and he in turn has rejected me. I know its stupid but I can’t help it. I’ve tried so hard to get breast feeding right, we struggled at the start and I thought we were just hitting the easy part. But now I think its coming to an end. And that scares me. Will Keefe now feel its okay to take the little bloke away from me, he doesn’t need me after all. Will Dylan and I still have special mommie time!

I hate my body. I hate that Im still struggling to master breast feeding. I hate that I feel Im not feeding my baby!

Why?!?!

I keep trying but its not working. I’ve expressed every three hours on the hour for 30 mins, 15 mins on each breast doing 5 mins and then swapping, desperately attempting to stimulate the milk flow but its not increasing and Im so worried that my milk is drying up.

Dylan seems happy to feed from me at night but through the day he will only suckle for a min or two and then he is off looking for something else to entertain him. I can’t help feeling that if my milk does dry up going back to work has caused it. Expressing obviously hasn’t stimulated the production enough and Im feeling a bit…like … a failure.

Todays high light came in the form of a visit from Gemma, Aaron and Jonathan.



Gemma always makes me smile – she is so confident and the bond between her and Aaron is so strong. When I was a little low today I reminded myself that Gemma didn’t breast feed Aaron so obviously breastfeeding doesn’t affect the bond between mum and baby.

I know its wrong of me to feel like breast feeding is what creates the bond because its obvious from others who haven’t breast fed that this isn’t so, but I just feel like my body is letting my down - my breasts have failed me!

Call me Moo!

Dylan woke four times last night, Im knackered. I only expressed twice, after the 12.30 feed and the 5.40 feed. He seemed to feed for longer periods at the 2am and 3.40am feed – in fact I think for the 2am feed he fed for about 15 mins, longer than he has done for ages. Does this mean he was just hungry or was he responding to the expressing?

Spent the day basically doing a cow impersonation! I really feel tied to the breast pump and I have to say that it’s not showing any positive results, still only expressing a ½ ounce each time.

Celebrating and Expressing

So this is my plan for the weekend. With Keefe away in London and Mum and Dad over in Cumbria its just me and Dylan, so Im going to feed him on demand and express every three hours. I’ve done loads of reading on the Internet and its “suggested” that this is the way to increase my milk supply.

Annette, Orla, Ruth and Josh joined me and we had cake and champagne (one glass only please we are breast feeding mommies) to celebrate Ruth’s birthday. Its lovely seeing the girls and Dylan always seems to enjoy the companies of the other babies.




Orla and Dylan

I fed Dylan as and when he needed it, but he generally didn’t want to feed that much from me through the day. Although that said, he loved the beef stew I made last night. Ruth was also feeding Josh so we got some yummy pics.


Josh and some carrots

It was totally fantastic to be able to bathe Dylan tonight; we both got naked and splashed in the bath for ages.



Dylan giggled his way through the evening, I read to him and we lay on the floor playing.

I started the evening out how I meant to progress I fed Dylan at 7pm ( he usually gets an expressed bottle) and then expressed right afterwards – emptying out each breast. But even with the additional feed and expressing the 10pm expressing yielded no more than another ½ an ounce. Having had such a good “yield” of milk prior to working this is so disheartening but Im hoping that all this extra expressing will boost the supply.

Reverse Cycling - Something new to deal with!

Definitely think something is going wrong with my milk. Dylan has been waking most nights now three, if not four times, demanding to be fed. It's not even as if he is feeding for a long time. Generally about 6 mins but he will not be settled with anything but a feed.

I had a chat with my Health visitor and she suggested Dylan might be reverse cycling, stopping his intake of fluid through the day and feeding at night. It's a comfort based thing ~ he misses his mommie!!!



I've never heard of this before, but its a bit of a relief. I thought this was it for me and breast feeding. Although its been hard it has created such a fantastic bonding between me and the little man.

I would never judge anyone for not breast feeding but Im so glad Ive managed to keep on with it. Times gone by I've hated my breasts but this was what they were meant for and Im really proud of myself to have stuck with it this long.


Does that sound conceited? I hope not!

Milk Drying Up?

Arghhh – just not sure what the hell is happening. I’ve been expressing at work and its not been particularly easy, I don’t feel comfortable doing it but I’ve managed to get quite a good yield up till now. I haven’t been expressing as regularly as I probably should and this is now the second day that Ive noticed my milk has dropped from about three or four ounces each session to an ounce or two.

Its not really a problem – I don’t think - but Im going to keep an eye on it. Im a bit worried that with Dylan not feeding as often and me not expressing as often as I should my milk could be drying up!

Keeping Busy

Dylan spent the day with Keefe so I felt the need to fill my day with something productive and look what I did.



I built this Merchants Chest all by myself. I cannot begin to tell you how proud of my little self I am.

Keefe had to shave a bit off each end to get it to fit in the alcove. He also reminded me that I could have avoided the tired arms because I had an electric screwdriver in the cupboard – I like to think of it as time earned pain!

Life changes.

What a month. I've made some fairly serious life changes over the last 3 weeks, hence my absence from all things blogging. It's been a hard 3 weeks, especially with Dylan teething, rolling, commando crawling and generally just growing, its been a variable hotbed of emotions and small successes.

I'm feeling very positive.

So what's changed?

Well firstly I had a wonderful three weeks at Annette and Tom's. I got used to the cavanous proportions of a house after living in my little static caravan. I also got used to living on my own.

During this three weeks Dylan became the worlds best forward and backward roller, he crawled his first crawl, much to mine and K's delights. After doing a full crawl he then discovered if he lay on the hard wood flooring and just pulled himself along - commando style - he could move fast and silently and he has now become the scourge of pussy cats and all things four legged.

He has also cut two teeth, which means lots of sleepless nights, but we now have a gummy smile with two little bittypegs sticking out. He is still cutting more and his little face has swollen each time, giving him hamster like proportions. He has all the usual signs, red cheeks, baby dribble and fists clamped into his mouth sucking for dear life. Night times have not been good and I'm reaching zombie like levels of existence. But - there is always a but - the little man, even with cheeks swollen and sore still smiles and giggles like the mad fiend he is.

Since our decision to separate K has been coming to the house each night to bathe Dylan, which has been nice, but means I've run around "getting things for him". This has lead to me being even more anal in my organisation. Each night before going to bed I have to check that Dylan's bag is ready for mum, that there is a nappy, wrap, booster, towel and sleep suit in the bath room for his bath ready for K. I have to check that my expressing machine after using it is steralised and put in my work bag accompanied by two bottles for the expressed milk.

Its like some bizarre military fiasco and if one step is not followed the whole routine falls into chaos and I'm left sitting on the stairs weeping at my inability to do anything.

Okay - it only happened once, but it happened.

All in all Annette and Toms was great. I burnt dinner twice because I wasn't used to the space and couldn't smell the chicken moulding itself to the dish in a blackened lump. My cleaning anality lifted its ugly head above the parapets and I, even though I promised I wouldn't, ended up climbing on furniture and poorly balanced chairs on tables to clean daddo rails and light fittings. But - there it is again - I wound in my neck and talked myself out of doing the windows and re-organising Toms CD collection into alphabetical order.

I purchased (via a mortgage from Hell) and moved into my own house on the 20th of September. Its an old ex council house, 3 bedrooms with a lovely wee garden.

I took the last of my savings and visited "Ar-gus" purchasing all the necessities of life: curtain poles, pots and pans, 4 x knives, forks and spoons, 4 x plates and cups, a dish drainer, cooking utensils, shower curtains, toilet seats and copious other bits and pieces which make a house a home.

It needs a lot of work - LOTS OF CLEANING - and lots of decorating but it has potential and even after the gas/electric fiasco, outer doors that do not lock and missing toilet seats (Now replaced thanks to the bible I call Ar-gus) I feel empowered and stronger than I have for some time.

I've also started a child minder course. I'm not sure if I'm going to follow through with it, but the course is free and its just something I was thinking about doing to allow me to spend more time with Dylan. I want to be there to see him take his first steps, to hear his first proper words and know that I have given him the best of me.

I know that working won't mean I am a bad mommie. I accept that working is sadly one of life's realities and now that K and I have split up even more of a necessity but what I wouldn't give for someone to wave a magic wand and say "You can financially afford to spend the next four/five years at home". But its not going to happen and I have to find alternative ways of making sure Dylan and I have the type of life I want for us.

I guess its all about life choices. I'm choosing to work less hours to stay at home more with Dylan, which means we wont be able to afford some of the luxuries I took for granted. Broadband, Sky TV, flying off and visiting friends but we will have plenty of time to walk along the beach, play in the garden and just spend time with each other.

And finally - after our big "fight" I needed to replace my glasses so I've been and got meself some trendy Wireless specs (this was my last luxury purchase). I'm also going to get myself a hair cut as I've not had one for over 7 months - is this the beginning of the new me? Who knows? I just know that right now, at this present moment in time things feel positive and good.

They are hard and sometimes when I'm rattaling round the house like the proverbial pea in a tin can it feels lonely, but - third and final one - it feels right!

5 years ago

This time five years ago I was surrounded by friends and family celebrating the union of K and myself.

We thought we were a forever couple, we promised to respect each other, to talk and laugh together, to make each day special, to share our thoughts, hopes and dreams.

I hope when we have resolved our differences I will be able to say I love him still, but today it was hard.

Firstly because he sent me a card - it was a lovely card but it made me cry great big snot filled gasping cries.

Then when I was doing my first real shop I stood in front of the toilet rolls in Morrisons and cried some more. Why? Because I didn't know what toilet rolls we brought!!!

Love was not enough for us,
Though we were much in love.
We started down the well-worn path,
But it was not to be.
Delight was not enough for us,
Nor tenderness that moved
Through years of angry dissonance
Towards some dark, bitter sea.

Our differences were far too great,
Our lives too far apart.
We didn't like each other much,
But put that truth aside

Until one day it was too late
To reignite the heart.
One told the other, who agreed
At last that it had died.

But then, ah, then! we felt our loss
As unremitting pain,
As deep and inconsolable,
Unbearable regret.

And all alone we had to cross
That desert once again
That we might know that we had loved
Too much to soon forget.
By Nicholas Gordon

6 months old.

My god I cannot believe that 6 months have gone by. My little man is just fantastic, even if he isnt sleeping through the night, he is the most contented, happy wee chap I know.

He is also very close to cutting teeth, so has been suffering a very sore red bottom, but even with this discomfort manages to smile his way through the day.

My heart!!!



Happy 1/2 birfday babe.