Me, Myself and Dylan

Sleep oh Sleep, where art though sleep!

2011-09-05T20:21:00.000+01:00

Its been three weeks now and Im running on empty. I go to bed at a sensible time, following a nice bath, I dont eat before I go to bed. I have a cool room, and Im fairly relaxed. I read, nothing too thought provoking or taxing on my brain.

And I fall to sleep!

All well and good, yes!

No!

Somewhere between 1 and 1.30am I wake up. Im wide awake, not just sleepy awake that comes with needing the toilet or hearing a strange noise. Not even dream/flashback awake, recovering from burning again. But wide awake. I stay wide awake till somewhere between 4.28 and 4.32, yes somewhere between those four crusical minutes my brain shuts down and Im asleep again.

Which would be great if Dylan didnt wake up between 5.45 and 6.30.

Im running on empty, Im crabby, Im resorting to drinking - although its not so much a resort as a way of living now. But Im making mistakes, stupid ones that impact on my daily life. Not being able to find the keys, that I had put in the door. Forgetting to call people back, or calling people back when I had just spoke to them. Or the best one by far, walking round the house all night being quiet so as not to wake Dylan and being able to assist my neighbour at night time because Dylan was in bed. Then going up stairs to say goodnight to him, and remembering that he was at my mum and dads.

Im going to make an appointment to see the Dr. Its not normal, its not how I want to be, I want a tablet! Several nights of tablets. I want to wake up with the Disney birds and butterflys chirping me awake! It used to be like that, why did it change?

Heaven

2011-08-25T18:02:00.002+01:00

Just had a conversation with Dylan and his friend Michael about Heaven.

Apparently you go there when your dead. Right!

You can stay there for 100 weeks and then come back if your really good.

You meet your family who is deaded and only really angry people go to bad heaven!

Looks like I might be going to bad heaven!

2011-08-19T08:23:00.001+01:00

Thanks Steven. Im so far away from this its like comparing chalk to cheese.

But it did make me laugh!

Tap, Tap, Tap

2011-08-17T21:11:00.004+01:00

Hello the world.

This used to be something I did to try and figure stuff out. It used to be a way of venting and procrastinating and generally keeping in touch.

My counsellor says I should write things down, so I'm writing. It may not get better than this, but I am going to attempt to update the last 9 months, some will be diary entries I wrote in the hospital, some will be stuff I wrote since.....since the second fire, since hospitalisation, since depression, since getting better....

That's a lot to blog. But hopefully some of it will make sense.

Ahh the Summer Holiday.

2011-08-14T17:58:00.000+01:00

They come round each year and each year we look at them with trepidation, joy and lets face it panic.

Six weeks of your child at home, six weeks of entertaining them, of cleaning up after them, attempting to appease fights "Im not your friend anymore" and ensuring that they still have a routine of sorts, eat well and dont drive you into crazy mummie screaching and threats of "Your grounded till Christmas".

We have had some lovely play dates, which generally ended with a very tired Dylan screaming that he hated who ever he was playing with and "I never want to see them again". Joy!

He has had friends from the estate in to play and wreak havoc on the house.

Sometimes its a joy and yes, sometimes it isn't.

We visited Shaun and Joji

and went to a farm - Walby Farm which was fun, especially getting lost in the Maize Maze.

We climbed hills

Chillaxed

and Rock Scrambled.

It was a lovely couple of days, but Dylan was wearisome and made things hard. Why doesnt he appreciate days out, or play dates. I question if he gets too much, are we spoiling him with love?

On our departure he wouldn't kiss Shaun and Joji goodbye, I knew this was really because he didn't want to say goodbye, but it made me so mad. He seemed so unappreciative of all that had been done for him, so rude! I found myself in the car reading him the riot act "There are lots of children who didn't get to go to a farm, or weren't taken out, you don't appreciate anything, that's it, next week you get nothing, no trips to the park, no friends over" - yadda, yadda.

He fell asleep, tears staining his face and I screamed at myself "He's Five"....

Its not getting better

2011-04-01T21:36:00.000+01:00

Ive not written anything since I wrote my good bye list. It was simple to do, but since writing it Ive cried - yeah, finally cried, without alcohol, I cried in Bridies councelling session, snot streaming tear gasping crying.

But now I just get drunk, I've done a lot of that over the last couple of months. Silly drunk, angry drunk, bloody stupid dangerous drunk!

I'm snappish and angry, I want to scream at myself because I was doing so well and now I feel like I'm not. I feel like I'm drowning in my own self pity. Consumed by heat, I want to burn away to see what is left, who is left.

I told mum yesterday about looking at my burns and feeling repulsed. Repulsed at my own body. Not in a "god I'm fat", which I am, but in a "that makes me feel sick to look at, to touch!" We talked about her experience on the burns unit when she had her cancer, she seemed to get it, but then she looked at me with what seemed "Shame" in her eyes. "Shame" I'm not bigger and dealing with this better? Shame I cant get on with life and accept what I am, I don't know... but it was "Shame!"

Saying Goodbye.

2011-03-23T16:42:00.003+01:00

Bridie has suggested that I write a list of all the things I lost in the fire, to say good bye, to mourn them. Its not definitive but

George - ugly though you were, I loved you
Letters from Keefe, Jayson, James, Darren - the ability to recall memories from these letters.
Pictures and mementos from travelling
Wedding photos, my dress, wedding file, cards, memorabilia of the day.
Diaries from school
Dylan's diary
Records, tapes, CD's, DVDs Music that helped me define special times and memories
Jamie's picture "on the beach"
Jewellery - from travels, friends, my wedding rings, opals and pearls.
Dylan's memory box, hair, hand prints, scan pictures
Shane's boxes from Iraq.
Things mum gave me from Nana and things from her which were supposed to be passed down and treasured.
Skinny jeans - I've never found a pair that fit so well. My wedding shoes, the silly dress I wore to Bev's 40th Party, the memories it evoked.
Christmas decorations, especially the ones for Dylan's first Christmas

The list could go on, the insurance claim is about 9 pages long to date, but its not the "stuff" that gets used daily, its the stuff that I looked at and it evoked a smile, a memory, a flash back to somewhere else, that isn't here and isn't now!

Tired

2011-03-07T19:54:00.000+01:00

Down, Down, Down, I'm just sleeping now. Sing and Sign has finished. The term was hard, but I got through, found movement a problem at times but dredged up the energy to do the classes, limited though they have been and I got through.

There is stuff to do and I'm totally aware of loosing control of the little control I had, but I cant find the motivation to do. Dylan has gone away with Keefe and I'm on my own.

I'm really glad he has gone away, am I allowed to say that! He whines at me and I scream at him, he wants to play and I'm bored. He wakes at 5.30 am and I'm so bloody tired.

Tired, that sums me up. Tired of me, tired of life, tired of trying to be strong, happy, capable. I'm tired of being tired.

I'm just bloody tired of it all!

Snow - I hate snow

2010-12-08T17:19:00.001+01:00

Its snowed now for what seems like forever. The cold seeps into me and makes my leg and arm hurt like hell. Its pins and needles and bone weary. I feel like I do nothing but talk about how much I hurt or ache. Stuff is happening and Im missing it!

Mum was crying this afternoon because her back ached. I asked if I could help, knowing I couldn't, but wanted to try. She just sat and cried and I held her. I still cant cry, I want to cry but am scared that if I let go I wont be able to find my way back.

I went to see Dylan's nativity at school. I couldn't see him most of the time, but I was aware as I sat there watching this scene unfold before me that I should be feeling something, there should be pride or happiness, but I'm detached. Its not that I'm not present I just feel uninvolved. I need to talk to Bridie as I feel as if slowly I'm eroding away. Becoming nothing more than wounds and pain. Not great pain, like before just constant aching pain that never seems to go away. Nothing matters, nothing takes me totally out of this ache.

Do you know me?

2010-12-01T01:38:00.000+01:00

Who am I? What do I like?

I cant sleep and I got up so not to disturb anyone in the house. Sat in the dark, the sky grey and a strange light spreading over the room it dawned on me that I have nothing that says who I was, who I have been. If I left tonight with all that I own now and went to somewhere where no one knew me how would I show who I am.

Sitting in the blackness I try to find who I am. Who is Shannon, my only defining role is that of mummy! Is that all I am?

Trying to get out of the doghouse

2010-11-14T20:37:00.000+01:00

In an effort to remove myself from the dog house I got up early this morning, did the ironing, tidied the kitchen and entertained Dylan, ensuring he didnt go upstairs and wake mum or dad.

I felt really tired after doing this, but I kept myself going, out of pure spite really. I know I was wrong to stay out and mix alcohol and tablets, to not let them know where I was, but Im 40 not 14 and I have to have the ability to make these choices.

That said, I do feel like and idiot for the way I behaved, who the hell was I trying to impress, it certainly will have made an impression but possibly not the type of impression I wanted to make.

Drugs + Alcohol = the doghouse!

On the upside, things I can do this week that I couldnt do last week.

Walk up and down stairs without pulling myself up on the banister
Wash and dry my hair.

Yeah for getting better, now how do I change my thinking!!!

In the Dog House.

2010-11-13T22:25:00.000+01:00

Oh my, last night I went round to Rebecca's house. The pretense was a book sale. I behaved like a total idiot, flashed my burns, as if it was something special, something to be proud of!

I eventually rolled in at 3am and totally pissed mum and dad off. Definitely reverted to the sixteen year old child I have been.

This morning I fled the house with Dylan, finding refuge at Rebecca's. Then I ran to Tracy Scotts house, it was the first time I had really talked to her and I really felt that we could become friends. She's really open and what you see is what you get.

Returning to the house I got read the riot act. Selfish, thoughtless behaviour. Dad had walked the streets thinking I was lying somewhere dead. It was stupid of me to mix alcohol and tablets, selfish, stupid, careless....

Keefe took Dylan away for the night and I retreated to my bedroom, introspective and hurt. I behaved like an idiot, shamed myself, worried and angered my parents - who the hell am I?

Reiki and Sympathy

2010-11-12T22:17:00.000+01:00

Im finding mornings really hard. Getting myself up is hard enough, but getting Dylan up, doing breakfast and getting him to school is quite frankly rough! The School is only a couple of minutes walk away and getting there is ok, the walk back though hurts.

In the play ground this morning one of the other mums was really upset. Post natal depression struck and she ended up in tears. It was so nice to be able to offer sympathy and support to someone else. A hug and an understanding smile meant so much.

David had organised for me to have some Reiki sessions with a friend of his, Nina. Totally unaware of how it works or what it is, but I felt wonderfully relaxed.

Mum and I are still treading on egg shells, but at least it got rid of some of the tension that has been building up. Dad is still questioning everything I do, or don't do. And whilst I'm finding it totally frustrating I understand that he is doing it because he wants me to motivate myself, I just don't want to motivate myself today. Please don't make me!!!

Rowed with Mum

2010-11-09T16:12:00.000+01:00

Well mum and I finally came to a head to day. We had a bloody awful row. It started off with me bad mouthing dad because he constantly getting on my back, mum had said that he was moaning at her for the amount of time I spent in bed. 5 minutes later we were screeching at each other, I was leaving (where to I had no idea) she wanted me to leave because I was self and she had been doing everything for me for the last 8 weeks and I didn't appreciate how hard it was on her.

She cried, I screamed, we eventually hugged. But the crux is I'm selfish. Can I change this thinking - Bridie, over to you!!!

Taking Bridies advice on board

2010-11-09T16:06:00.002+01:00

This weekend I spent it in bed. Dylan was off with Keefe for the weekend. The first weekend he has had him since I came out of hospital. I didn't justify why I was doing it. I just got a book and read.

I did try and help round the house where I could. But most of the time I would attempt to do something only to have to ask for help, because I was unable to complete the task. But I managed to shower and get dressed all by myself. I had to lie down afterwards, but I did it.

Today the pain seems higher than over the last couple of days. But I think this is because I've reduced the omnimorph down and Im trying to only take the tramadol when things get bad. Also now the big stuff is healing I seem to be feeling all the little aches and pains. My ribs are killing me and I haven't felt these hurt before.

But today I managed to do my own hair. It wasn't pretty, but I got it tied up in a pony tail. Triumph!!!

Bridie my Guru!

2010-11-04T20:56:00.000+01:00

Had a fantastic session with Bridie today. She seems to help me put my thoughts into order, restructuring my thoughts from destructive to positive.

Ive struggled with being at home, feeling claustrophobic and like I've reverted back to being a teenager. But she's helped me see that of course I'm going through these feelings. I have lost control of everything.

I'm 40 years old and only have the things I have because my dad has bought it for me. I'm dependant on my parents for everything, physically, mentally, financially. I'm grumpy and irritable because I'm tired and sore, I feel guilty because of the pressure my parents are under and therefore I snap at them, at Dylan. I resent this but its not my fault, it is the situation I'm in.

Things for me to remember over the next few weeks.

Pain is good, but its not nice!
My body will react to temperature over the next couple of months, I should be aware of this because intense heat/cold will cause intense pain.
I have to acknowledge that things are and will be sore, and not expect too much of myself or my body.
Things I can say instead of "I'm fine", which I'm not and I cant keep putting on smiley face. "Today is not a good day". "Nerve pain is setting in and its sore". This means I'm not lying to myself, but I'm also acknowledging its not easy.

Sometimes I want to curl into a ball and not have to deal with anyone. I try and motivate myself but end up tired.

Someone has kidnapped my nice child

2010-11-02T15:41:00.000+01:00

and replaced him with a bally monster.

Seriously, did he always whine this way. All I hear from him is "I Want", "I Need" I cant deal with him, I cant....

Home is where the heart is

2010-10-29T21:31:00.000+01:00

But its not my home!

Ive been home two days, mum and dad have been great, but Im so really pissed off and angry at everything. I hate having to ask for stuff, for clothes, for money to buy Dylan a magazine, for toiletries, for bloody f**king tampax. I hate not being in control of when I get up, when I sleep, what I do.

And I buggering hate the fact that I'm behaving like a ungrateful princess who cant have her own way.

Today I messed up appointments. I was supposed to go to the RVI to see Sophie, but also had a dressing appointment at the Drs. Dad asked my why I couldn't get myself organised. I cried and run away.

Nothing seems to be going right since I came home. It wasn't supposed to feel like this. My wounds hurt, I'm short and irritable with Dylan. I'm sniping at mum.

Annette came round and it was gorgeous seeing her, but I was tired and strained. I just want to sleep, which I could do in the hospital, but at home I have to be up, doing stuff. Dad had another go at me about not getting stuff sorted "tough love" he calls it, I just feel like I'm not doing enough for them. I want to go back to my little hospital bubble!

Tuesday 28th October

2010-10-28T01:18:00.001+01:00

I'm going home tomorrow, or is that today! The last couple of weeks I haven't written cause it was all pretty much the same stuff. But I cant sleep and this hospital room seems to be shrinking. The daily journey pretty much goes like: Breakfast, get up, exercise, get tired, sleep, lunch, exercise, feel depressed, get tired, Dinner, wash and get ready for bed.

The days have been broken up by bad TV, numerous dressing changes, baths, and visitors, lovely, lovely visitors. Vicky, Rebecca, Anna, Sue, Shaun and Joji, Annette, Mum, Dad and Dylan. All bringing respite to the boredom of healing.

I wanted to go home last week, but Mr Valham wouldn't let me because the open wounds on my legs were still a bit sticky and septic, but he relented on Friday and let me have a "weekend pass". One night at home in a real bed was wonderful but it was also hard. And made me realise that maybe I wasn't ready to go home, more importantly it made me question whether mum and dad were ready to have me home.

Although I'm getting up and moving around I still need so much help, I cant move quickly and have little or no strength in my right arm, my fingers still struggle to close and open properly and I'm so tired after doing the most basic things. Angie said today that I have done really well. That when they brought me in, very few of the staff thought I was going to make it through the week. So apparently I'm a testament to my own determination. I actually feel like a freak, a fraud and a failure. But that could be the morphine withdrawal talking, I'm not allowed to go home until I'm off the big stuff, luckily I'm being supplied with my own little cache of take home drugs.....

Saturday 9th October

2010-10-09T11:16:00.000+01:00

Im up and moving like you wouldn’t believe, getting out of bed seems so much easier, not simple but I have control again over the middle of my body, its just a wiggle of legs a pull of the stomach muscles an Im up. So far no little accidents!

I bumbled around after breakfast stretching my limbs, pushing my arm to move. No one came, it was busy outside. At 10 I decided to wash myself, thinking that maybe the bath had been cancelled, my leg bandages were falling off so I rang the nurse button. Katherine and Carol were looking after me, but Angie came in. I was due a bath and bandage change but a new patient was really poorly and was holding things up. I told Angie it wasn’t a problem, I know how painful it is when you first come to these wards and how important it is for the staff to get you settled in and comfortable. Angie sorted out my bandages and I sat and read.

Bath! How gorgeous is that word. I got into the bath by myself! The soaking of the skin, the easing of the limbs as they float easily with little pain! Hair washed and I got out of the bath by myself. All decorum gone, bum in the air and belly flapping but bugger me I did it.

Wounds so much better again today, elbow really dry and the dressing has been reduced to a bit of stretchy bandage, Donor wound also drying up and now just needs E45 cream on to ease the itchyness. God is it itchy! I want to scratch all over, to dig in my nails. But Im resisting. Today I managed to get my left arm lifted to 35 degree angle, so much more movement that yesterday, yeah for tomorrow.

Shaun and Joji visited. Laughter and feet the main theme. Pictured below. Wheeled down to the Coffee shop for a Latte. Yum. The two of them are full of sunshine!

Mum and dad begged a night off, which I willingly granted, they need to rest, to sleep. I missed their visit, but the night passed with bad TV and visits to the toilet.

Wednesday 6th October

2010-10-08T21:56:00.000+01:00

A bad night, little sleep and ponderings of what Im going to be doing in a weeks time, a months time! I have decided that Im not going to accept this situation. Im going to push my body, with Sophies exercises, Im going to do everything I can to make it work the way it should. So through the day I did my exercises, breathing and body pushing each limb till it hurt just a little.

Bridie, the hospital councillor came in to talk. We talked about loads of things, but mainly how Im going to cope once Im out of my safe little hospital bubble. I don’t know. It will be strange living at home, but I know I will be safe. We talked about Dylan and how he is coping, Bridie would like me to get him assessed, just to be safe.

Visits from Ruth and Renate, Donna and Liz. “Im fine, really, its all good”, hugs, kisses, “get well soons”. Such good friends make me realise how lucky I am.

Sophie came to beast me and we pushed my body, my left arm is definitely improving, I can move it a little more each time she visits, still unable to lift it more than half way up my body, but its getting there. My fingers are not so stiff and Ive more control over them.

My catheter was removed, its all down to me now. Getting out of bed is hard, my body just doesn’t want to do want it needs to do to get me up. I feel like I have not control over the middle part of my body. Needing the bed to pull me up. Im worried I wont make it to the toilet in time!

Mum and dad came again to visit, they don’t see the point in Dylan seeing a councillor, I gave in. Things are pretty status quo with the house, dad chasing up the fire brigade and police, but not really getting anywhere.

Im tired, but feeling a lot more positive tonight, the days are long, but I really do feel that its all pulling in the right way.

Thursday 7th October

2010-10-07T21:57:00.000+01:00

Its been a good day. I had my bandages removed and the new dressings seem to have made a significant improvement. Still smelly, stringy and wet on my left side, but my elbow on my right arm is healing well and the cuts on my left arm are looking brilliant. Still looks a bit ‘Bride of Frankenstein’ but so good compared to a week ago. I can’t believe the difference two days can make.

Visited by David from Trinity Church and David Stocks. A prayer and some raspberries. Mum and dad brought Dylan, he played with bed again, such sweet hugs and kisses. He seems fine, people are dropping off toys and clothes in the bag load, sometimes mum doesn’t even know who they are off. Such kindness, such generosity!

Shaun phoned, it made me smile, Im tired tonight, but I cant sleep, more Orimorph please!

Friday 8^th October

Morphine reduced to 20mg per twice a day. Im managing to stay off the Orimorph, trying to find out how much I can push it till I feel the need to call for for help.

Tuesday 5th October

2010-10-05T22:55:00.000+01:00

Tuesday 5^th October

Today was not a good day. I woke this morning feeling really good, my arms and leg were hurting but I thought it was the work I did with Sophie, yesterday. I made my way, with my gorgeous catheter handbag to the toilet and did what is normal to do. Yeah!

Back to the bed I noticed I had leaked lots through the night, the sheets were covered and my gown was soaked too. Val and Robbie came in to remove my bandages so Mr Valham could have a look. As soon as they began to cut through the arm bandages I knew something was wrong, it smelt so bad.

I looked at Vals face as the bandages were pulled away and it was confirmed, something was wrong. Words like soft, leakage, infected were bandied around the room I looked at my wounds and they were pink and wet, with long strings of skin hanging from them. They stunk, a sweet but wrong smell!

Mr Valham came in and again his eyes showed disappointment, more words IV antibiotics, extended stay, not good, were thrown in to the pot. My mood plummeted and I realised I was going to be here for a long time.

Val removed the last of my bandages; my donor sight bandage was wet and bloody and made me gasp with pain as it was pulled from my leg.

Val took me into the bathroom, the chair they use to help you get in and out of the bath is really clever, “this might hurt a bit when your lowered into the water Shannon”. It did, but it felt good too. I lay in the bath, bits of my body literally falling into the water around me, dabbing at the wounds, trying to get them clean, each dab a little pull of pain, not a great big pain, just a sharp one. Hair washed, body given a final cleansing shower wash. All need for privacy gone, I just wanted to be clean.

Robbie did my bandages; I lay on the bed trying to move my body into the best position possible for them to do what they needed to do. Orimorph easing my physical pain, nothing helping my thoughts and brooding, my body isn’t healing. More time till I get home to my baby.

The rest of the afternoon passed in a blur of Orimorph, more drugs please, yes Im hurting. I cried, after dropping a book on the floor, I couldn’t get to it. My body wouldn’t work. I cried and cried, silent tears.

Mum and dad come with sparkley water, kisses and tired faces. We talked about me staying in for longer, “we can cope, just get better”. They are so good to me; I want to get better to stop their pain. I want to not be here, but I am. Today is not a good day.

Monday 4th October

2010-10-04T09:35:00.001+01:00

It’s been a hard, but good day. I’ve walked up and down the corridor with Sophie twice and finally got some good movement from my left arm. This morning Carole, who is very gentle, washed my back, legs and under my right arm, all the bits I can’t reach, but I managed to do the rest. It was a real sense of achievement! The rest of the day I spent sitting up in my chair or doing Sofies exercises. My chest is now much clearer than it was; I’m off the horrible nebuliser.

Mum, Dad and Dylan visited, mum looks so bloody tired, tearful admission that she is really tired and feel like she is struggling to cope. She is doing so much; I’m worried it’s going to be too much!!! But my mam is my mam and she will do things her way – gods love her, even if it kills her.

She had brought me in some big pants and a vest top, cant wait to get into them after my bath tomorrow. Mum and dads tiredness makes me realise how lucky I am to have them in my life. For although they are both frazzled they come and visit, bringing kisses and hugs full of warmth and love, They also bring Dylan, who is fascinated by the moving bed, tonight he fixed it along with my catheter! The things that child will play with!

After they left I felt my tummy rumble and decided to make my own way to the toilet. Getting up is hard, the pain in my leg sometimes takes my breath away, its like little fire works going off all up my leg. But in a hobble swing motion I managed to get to the toilet and get sat down. Hoorah! We had movement – a proper pooh!!!! Having done this all by myself I went for the last step in the process and managed to get my bum wiped. Back in bed the lovely Andrea came in to ask if I needed anything, told her my good news and she was over the moon. Its Andreas birthday on Wednesday, I must ask mum to get something for her.

It’s taken me an hour to type this out and I’m shattered, each small movement sending a little pain into my arms and legs, but it’s a good pain, a healing pain. I can’t wait for my bath tomorrow!

House Fire

2010-10-01T15:01:00.001+01:00

I'm in hopspital following a house fire.

It was awful and Im trying to deal, not only with the idea of loosing everything in my world, but of dealing wiht the physical pain.

Just to list the injuries, so in future weeks and months I dont ever forget how lucky I am.

Resuscitated 3 times

Lung damage - may cause scaring

Broken bone in my back, luckily Im told, its just a static one, so just have to be careful

Broken ribs x 3

Lacerations to chest and right arm - dealt with by the plastic surgery team

Burns to my right leg, right arm, left arm - dealt with by the burns surgery team, grafts applied from my left leg.

Light burns and lacerations to my face, back, legs (nothing serious).

Muscle damage to neck, shoulders, legs.

All in all, after being blown out of an upper storey window, the general concensus is Im doing bloody well to be here. I hurt like hell, but the morphine is great and the staff are even better.

Hellooooo

2010-04-20T13:17:00.000+01:00

tap, tap.

Is anybody there. I know its been a while since Ive been on, but it doesnt seem to be anything out of the norm. I thought it was "once a blogger, always a blogger"....

Anyway, we have been to birthday parties, got sick, I have cleaned house, dirtied the house, done washing, ironed washing, got sick, brought some new furniture, got rid of some old furniture, went to some more birthday parties, got sick, finished Sing and Sign for another term, I start again on April the 19th. So was really looking forward to the holidays, spending some time with Dylan without feeling bug ridden, catching up with friends and generally just doing the usual stuff. But now I discover Im booked up again for a week, admin, bank manager visits, Dr visits....

The usual crap.

Me, Im doing mediocre. Im doing what I need to and nothing more. This is not a bad thing. Ive come to the decision that Im probably doing too much. Do not snigger!

More to come. Even if no one is reading or blogging.....

2010-03-08T16:25:00.001+01:00

Dylans party took place at Kiki's cabin. It was mad, we had play, food, a magician and a chocolate fountain. It was ultimately fun and Dylan had a totally fab day, which in years to come he will no doubt forget and when he is slamming doors at 16 screaming "you never let me have a party" (do 16yr olds have parties?) I will sit trembling in the corner of the living room thinking I did!

It was a great day and Ive got lots and lots of pictures to remind me of this happy time.

Not that Im not thinking the future wont have happy times, Im in a good place right now. But just in case this blog and the pictures sum it up.

Its been 4, FOUR, years.

2010-03-05T21:10:00.002+01:00

Yes I mean it! And bless me for saying this what a four years!

I woke on Wednesday morning, without the little bloke, he was at his dads. And I thought, my god this time four years ago I was screaming for drugs! So what has changed!

Ive taken on my own business, my house was burnt down and rebuilt, I lost my licence for drink driving, went through a major depression and climbed, with help from good friends and my family from a very deep whole.

Im still crawling along the ground, and at times it feels like nothing has got any better, but they are the times when I allow myself to I crawl back into the whole and weep, then I find myself sitting in the dark, and I think.... "bugger me" and I climb back out and rejoice in what I have, who I have!

Im still finding it hard to contact friends I ran away from, if your one of them I will call, those I have managed to get back in touch with, thank you for being on the end of the phone when Im drunk and your asleep. Life does go on, it does, and is getting better.

Everyone I know seems to have gone through some sort of "shit" this last year, so Im here, wishing you and everyone you love a fantastic 2010. Raise your glass with me and say, "This year, it can only get better".

From me to you, loving life and feeling like its all change, its all good, now where is that wine glasss!!!!!!!

Deep Breath....

2009-11-07T16:05:00.002+01:00

Its been a real hard couple of months, but and I say this with some slight trepidation, I think I'm through the blue!

I'm now back in the smokey house, its lovely, clean, light and better than before, although I still wake some nights and listen carefully. Tracy has relieved some of my worries by talking me through the new electric codes and my new box is apparently tops.

I have boxes of stuff I forgot I have, and boxes of stuff I no longer need. I'm definitely a girl who needs little stuff. But even then I'm already filling cupboards with microwave poachers and bits and bobs that we don't really need but look cool.

The insurance is working through and final payments should be made soon. I'm thinking maybe Dylan and I need a holiday, maybe to Italy to see Marci, I don't know. I'm just thinking we deserve some "together time".

Sing and sign is taking off with great success, Ive already half my classes booked next term, and since the Council have deemed me redundant that's got to be a good thing. Official redundancy date is the 12th December. I'm scared that sing and sign will be my only income, but I think its achievable. Maybe!!!

Dylan is growing up so quickly, sometimes I wonder if this small human actually came from me. He has a beautiful personality that runs through chaos into genius via monster. He keeps me sane and sends me crazy all within the space of a few minutes.

I'm feeling a bit low today, even though Ive done two lovely sing and sign sessions this morning, so Ive brought myself a bottle of wine and I'm going to clean the floors, have a bath and go to bed. All in the next three hours. Yes I know its only 3.15, but I can, so I will.

That is what counselling has given me, its OK to do these things, as long as I'm truthful to myself and those I love. I also don't need to apologise for being sad when I am. So if Ive "ignored" you for a while, bear with me. Normal service will resume once Ive found my energy and zest. Tonight though, is mine for plebbing and wallowing in my new home.

W here to start...

2009-09-06T17:03:00.007+01:00

I got done for drink driving following a night out with the girls, not cause I was driving particularly poorly, but because someone saw me getting into my car and reported me.

There is no justification for drink driving, I could have killed someone, but on this particular night I was 200 yards from my home when the police pulled me over.

Home but not safe!

It took 3 months before I went to court. It was horrible.

I went to see a probationer, who was very lovely, I ended up with an 18 month ban. Not half as bad as I had thought, in fact so much better than I could of hoped.

But what with the other stuff going on in life. I spent one Friday afternoon with several cans of beer, a bit of wine and a cocktail of tablets. Poor Helen was at the receiving end of my "this is it text". Yes suicide by txt!

I'm now seeing a councillor, its hard cause I have to deal with some stuff I don't want to deal with. My medication is being reviewed. Ive never felt quite this low. But all in all I'm better than I was, ill, but being treated. Sad but no longer suicidal. Stupid but no longer pathetic.

Ive also come to realise how truly blessed I am with family and friends, all of whom were appalled at my behaviour but so supportive. Without them I would not be here.

Other than the above crap, we've had some lovely days out.

We went to Ingrahm Valley with mum and dad, it was windy but fun.

We visited Shaun and Joji and went to the farm

Milking Goats is fun

As is making friends with sheep

We played with friends

Ellen and Dylan

Orla and a Triceratops

Daisy and her boyfriend.

Even though Im not in a great place at the moment my main consolation is that Dylan is still having fun, I cant be such a bad mum after all!

What a week

2009-06-10T12:34:00.000+01:00

Yes, I really do mean that.

On Wednesday 3rd June, I was woken by the fire alarm, beep, beep it went... Bugger went I! I dragged my ass from my bed and headed downstairs. In retrospect the air did smell funny, but what the fluck.

I opened the door to my living room and was engulfed by black smoke and heat. My skin felt alive! I ran back up stairs and then remembered Jezz, dads dog was in house, I called out for her, she barked. I ran back downstairs. She was hiding in the downstairs toilet. I grabbed her and ran back up the stairs; she bit me and headed back down the stairs.

Beep, beep, beep, beep went the alarm.

Coughing I headed into the bath room grabbed a towel, wet it and headed back down the stairs.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep went the alarm.

I couldn’t find her and the smoke was thick. I hit the downstairs alarm with a shoe; I didn’t want to wake the neighbours. The battery flew over my head and into darkness and smoke. I headed back upstairs and tried to phone the fire service.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep went the alarm.

No connection. The hand base was downstairs!

I banged on the walls; I opened the windows and screamed “FIRE”.

Coughing I ran into the hall and climbed up onto the banister and attacked the other fire alarm, the beep, beeping was doing my bloody head in; I knew there was a bloody fire. I headed into Dylan’s bedroom. Thank god he was off with mum and dad in Chester. I flung open the window and screamed.

Tracy, my next door neighbour came into the garden, she called up to me and I screamed “fire, call the police”.

“I’m calling the fire brigade”

For what seemed like hours we discussed the viability of me jumping. I didn’t want too. I would break my legs, I was wearing only knickers and a vest. I was scared. The smoke filled the room, and eventually I decided I was going to have to jump. My lungs were full and I was coughing black.

The fire engine came round the corner, lights flashing, before I knew it I was being guided down a ladder, my ass shown to the milkman and his dog. I was put in an ambulance and whisked away.

I spent the day in hospital, Keefe running round being a star (yes I did type that). I had serious carbon monoxide within my system and had to be on oxygen all day. The smell was horrible and as I eventually showered I sighed with relief.

My house downstairs is gutted, because of an asbestos risk I’ve lost all my pictures, Dylan’s toys and DVDs, the TV, the kitchen, oh god, everything.

But even with all that stuff gone I count myself blessed. This week Jane, the girl that owns the sing and sign franchise, has handed over the keys to one of her flats, I’ve had furniture brought to the house by friends, mum and dad spent an afternoon driving round picking up furniture from freecycle friends and I’m in new “special house”.

We weren’t going to tell Dylan about the fire. I thought it best to just tell him that we had got the decorators in. But he picked up on messages and mummy crying. So we told him there had been a fire, that Fireman Sam had had to help mummy down the ladder in her knickers ( he thought that was great). We told him that Bob the builder was going to fix the house and bring him lots of new toys. We took him to see the house. He thought it was dirty and smelly and much preferred his new special house!

It’s amazing how resilient he is! I’ve heard him asking friends if “their house it burn too”, but that is about it.

I’m fine, Dylan is fine, the house, well that’s not fine, but it will be and all the stuff, well its just stuff, stuff I’m sad to have lost but I would happily give up all that stuff to have me and Dylan existing on the basis of fine.

I keep thinking “better to be smoked than fried” so do me a favour tonight, before you go to bed check your fire alarms. They really do save lives.

Very Bad weekend.

2009-05-25T13:29:00.000+01:00

I need to be shot. I cant even write it just yet. I'm stupid and a danger to the world.

Bad, bad, bad....

Urgh!

Hooch, thank you for my card, I will eventually find the power to call. Give me time!! Yes, more time please...

Tablets = Numb

2009-05-19T09:32:00.002+01:00

Its been a week since I went to see Dr Mac and he gave me my happy pills, Ive gone through sickness, nausea and dizzy spells, Ive spent the weekend sat on the sofa doing nothing, not even drinking or eating.

I made it to sing and sign, and got through the classes but I'm numb. A haze is beginning to fall, at the moment I'm finding it peaceful. I went to be last night at 7.30 and slept till Dylan woke me at 5.45 (Arghhh in any one's world). I never sleep all night but I did last night.

This morning I just feel "outside" myself. I'm neither sad nor happy, neither angry or at peace. I can see good things, I can hear laughter, I can even join in, but I'm away from it.

I'm OK with this for now. The tablets will kick in properly in another week or so and an equilibrium will be restored. From there I can move forward to finding the me that I've become disassociated from.

"I'm fine".

Sad face

2009-05-14T15:29:00.003+01:00

"Mummy, why is you got your sad face on" Said Dylan

"Cause mummy is sad Dylan, but its okay, she isn't sad at you"

Gently he reaches for me, his lips and nose covered in snot.

Kiss!

"There mummy, I kiss you and now you is happy!"

Ahhh if only it were this simple.

happy talking...

2009-05-11T03:37:00.001+01:00

You got to have a dream, to make a dream come true....

Bad lyrics from a hyped 80's song. Although I kinda have a vague memory of my mum running through the dunes in Cornwall, throwing off her clothes and urging us to chase the fireflies - weird.

I've been to see the Dr, Im definately depressed, probably more unbalanced than the first time round. Ive had some really awful thoughts these last couple of weeks, Ive crawled around in the slime in my head and I dont like what I am. But that said I also realise that Im slightly off kilter of reality, of the real me. Which brings me back to the angst ridden question "who the hell am I".

Talk to my friends and Im one person for them, another for some one else. My family dont even know me, sometimes I think they dont want to know me. I am the vessle that produced the "grandson, the nephew", nothing more, but nothing less either.

I know everyone does this multiple personality thing, but Im wondering why. Are we protecting ourselfs, morphing into something to please, to hide, to decieve!

I cannot and will not give in to the thoughts in my head which tell me the world would be a better place without me. I know this is not true. But sometimes the whispers sound like truth and I have to admit that the possibility of just stopping for a while, not dealing, not caring sounds almost too good to be true.

May, May I...

2009-05-05T00:32:00.002+01:00

Well I'm blue, in fact I'm more than blue, I'm in a deep blue funk. And as much as I want to stop I cant, Ive lost it, lost the ability to communicate, lost the ability to see what is right and what is not. Lost the ability to see lightness and can see only the dark places and they scare me.

Ive had a pretty good month - I know I'm going to be able to afford the sing and sign franchise, I performed in a play, Ive had my interview for work and feel fairly confident about having a job at the end of the process but for all this positive, the cloud sank slowly and I ran away from it, choosing to do nothing about it.

Well I didn't so much run as crawled into a corner and pulled the cover over my head. I'm hiding, I don't want to come out and face this world.

I guess with all the shit that I'm feeling, and I know it is just me feeling it, its not real, my real problem is that Dylan is bearing the brunt of my slide back into the darkness. I'm loosing control with him and I'm scared I'm going to end up hitting him, hurting him!

I'm loosing friends cause I cant talk to them, the answerphone takes all my calls and when I do eventually find the strength to talk I'm spiky, so I don't cause I don't like being spiky.

Its been coming for weeks, and Ive done nothing to stop it, in a way this is a safe place for me to be, I can fall into the emptiness, embrace it. I'm feeling brittle, like one more small shake and the world is going to shatter into a thousand pieces and I wont be able to come back.

Ah shit, what the hell am I doing...

March!

2009-04-16T21:37:00.004+01:00

March has been somewhat of a high high, low low month. Dylan's birthday was lovely, but was somewhat marred by Shaun, my brother loosing his keys. His strop at the end of the party was pretty fantastic, although he was much cooler than he has been at times gone by, his anger still put a splot on the day.

Dylan has had various illnesses this month and the whole, ill thing was over ridden by mum going into hospital on the 3rd March for her triple heart op. It was all pretty traumatic, but after a couple of hard weeks she is now back on track and getting better with each day.

Ive had several run in's with Keefe, all down to the fact that he commits to something then lets me down. I'm trying a new approach, which is to hold him to his word. If he says he will be here for a set time, he gets 30 mins grace (several people have said this is too long, but its what I'm working with at the moment) then if he doesn't show up, I leave, change plans whatever. It seems to be working but maybe more on this later.

Ive also come off my lighter life diet. I lost 2 stone 3lbs. I felt fantastic but I wasn't really sticking with the program at the end, and whilst I didn't achieve as greatly as Hooch, it has helped me get back down to a manageable weight. I'm managing the eating with slimming world - its just nice to be able to eat something solid. I also do intend to loose the last 7-10lbs to get to my target weight. My friend Annette is monitoring my weight gain, telling me if I'm looking fat or not. Its good to have friends.

Actually Annette and I went through a pretty rough spot for a couple of weeks. I hit high sensitivity on a day she was hitting pregnancy paranoia and it wasn't pretty. Long story short she called me in, told me to account for myself, which I amazingly did, even if it took me a while to do it, and now we are back on track again, had an amazing breakfast with her this morning.

Work is shitville, I'm really not certain what is going to happen there, so I'm just keeping my head down and attempting to get on with whatever they throw at me, whilst dealing with the various illnesses and traumas of life.

Sing and sign is also weird, Jane has offered me the franchise, but each month the deal changes and its gone from affordable to almost out of my reach, I'm just going to have to wait and see what her final figure is to whether I can afford it. This is just one more of those things I'm not really dealing with very well.

Dylan and I have been going through a hard spot this last month, he has developed a personality and I cant deal with it. Actually its not that simple but I have quite often over this month totally lost it with him. He has spent more time in the naughty corner than I care to deal with. Ive actually put myself there once or twice, for my own atrocious behaviour. God, this parenting stuff, it just ain't easy is it?

Anyway, that's kind of my catch up. I will blog individual stuff later, but I just wanted to say, I am alive, I am reading your blogs - and loving them, and I am hoping to get in touch with many of you sooner, rather than later.

Happy Birthday Dylan.

2009-03-03T21:24:00.002+01:00

Its been a really long time, I should have posted this ages ago, so for those of you who note that the date of posting and the day of release dont match, bug me not, please!!! I do intend to catch up, but... ahhh heck... you know the drill.

The party was great, as always I organised it from start to finish. Keefe turned up, helped Dylan to unwrap the presents, forgot to make a note of who gave what and then left at the end.

Despite that, it was a lovely day and so good to see him playing with his friends. Its amazing what a difference this year has made, but more on that later... ohhh so much more.

Anyway... here it is, my Birthday collage - yes I know its cheating but its cute!

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Ahhh - love him!!!

Potty Training...

2009-02-26T17:04:00.004+01:00

Its a piece of piss....

EXCUSE ME - how can you get a piece of piss? It's runny, it goes all over the place, its uncontainable, especially is squirting from a small boys willie... its just never going to be a piece of something!

That rant done though, we, or rather Dylan, has finally mastered potty training. He has done so well and each time he gets there my heart sings with pride at the way my little man is developing.

I know I tried it last year, but really, I should have listened to everyone one else and just gone with my own instincts. Last year it was horrible, both Dylan and I felt like failures, cause the wee bloke just wasn't ready. It all comes down to peer pressure, everyone else seemed to have stopped using nappies, so why hadn't my child. So I forced the wee man to sit on the potty, I held him down, forcible (well maybe not) but at times I felt like it...

I had thoughts that ran along the lines of "if everyone else has done it, does this mean Dylan is slow?", "Will he always be behind everyone else?". "Will I eventually pull up to a Macdonalds and feel a surge of pride as my child asks "Dwant fries wid that!".

So for a whole week, Dylan and I did battle. At the end of the week in October I hung my head and cried into the pillow of failed mothers. Dylan didn't want to use the potty, he understood the process, he knew what to do but he just didn't want to do it.

So we didn't!

Yet at the beginning of January I just thought, go on, one more try and I got the potty out again, and this time we have sailed through. of course there have been one or two accidents, primarily because Ive been slow, or the wee hasnt been as contained as it should have been - we girls wee down, boys dont! Or a mess was made because his potty attached itself to his bottom and when he stood up the wee that was in the potty was no longer in the potty, but these have been handled with calm and a pile of kitchen towels and disinfectant. Generally he is happy to tell me when he needs a wee or a poo and he tells me with plenty of notice. I'm even - get me - considering ditching the nappies at night time because he is nearly always dry at night time too...

So that's it, this months grin is caused by Dylan, my darling boy being able to "go potty".

Happy Birthday Nanma San

2009-02-20T14:16:00.001+01:00

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Snow = Christmas.

2009-02-04T10:03:00.001+01:00

This morning I opened the curtains and Dylan's face split into the biggest grin. He ran into the spare room and bounced upon the bead.

"Presents, Presents, I getting presents" he clapped his hands and jumped up and down with delight.

"Why are you getting presents lovely?", I asked. He looked at me his little face serious, all bouncing stopped.

"Because mommie, its snowding and santa claus comes when it snowdes".

So I had to explain and yes his little face crumpled and tears glistened in his eyes "nope presents mommie!"

"No presents Dylan". Ah cruel mommie!

Hooch had a birthday...

2009-01-26T22:39:00.003+01:00

And I kinda missed it, not because Im a bad friend, which it kinda feels like, but because Im full of cold, living in snot and hiding...

But I wished really hard, and I wished her a wonderful day, a fantastic year, and friends who wouldnt do what Im doing...

She is a gorgeous woman,

with a beautiful heart
and killer legs.

Happy Birthday Hooch!

22 days in

2009-01-23T22:29:00.002+01:00

And Ive got another bally cold.

Bugger I hate this constant round of runny noses and sore throats. I managed to get through the sing and sign class this morning, but now Im off to bed, first a hot bath, then snuggled with hot water bottle and the desire to breath deeply, without coughing up my guts or snotting all over the place.

I hate colds!!!!

Thank god Keefe has got Dylan tonight.

Ach, January has just flown by.

2009-01-19T21:18:00.002+01:00

Jesus, I really want to get on top of blogging, but by the time the time comes to sit down and do the stuff, it just all goes to pot and I tend to end up washing the floor or ironing - you know, the important stuff in life.

Anyway whats been happening this month so far.

Work, is still pretty crappy, no one knows what is happening, the restructure situation just keeps going on and on. I don't know what will happen at the end of March, but I kinda get the idea that my current job will definitely no longer exist. I should be offered work within the council, but Ive no idea what it is, or where I will be working. But hey, its a job and will pay the bills, which is more than a lot of people can say at the moment.

Sing and Sign has started, Ive got 6 classes running over 3 two hour sessions. I really love doing this and am really thinking seriously about taking over the franchise, but its a scary thought - self employed - and I'm not sure I'm brave enough just now.

Dylan, my lovely, lovely boy is going through a very weird stage right now and I don't know what to do about it.

He is beautiful and makes me smile on an hourly, ney minutely basis. He is so tuned into life, coming out with some amazing things, he plays so beautifully on his own, and plays so gently with his friends. He is very good at sharing - Proud Mum!!!

BUT - he has become very scared when we are out and about, almost clingy. He used to be this really outgoing, try anything child. Three months ago, I couldn't stop him sliding down the big boys slide, now its almost impossible to get him to climb the steps on the baby slide.

We went to Whitehouse farm the weekend just gone and he was "scared" of the animals. This the child who ran amok with chickens and would happily climb into a field with cows. He didn't want to play on the park climbing frame cause he might fall, and he certainly didn't want to play on the "big boy bikes", he was "just a little boy".

I don't understand the change, or why it's happened, I think that maybe it has something to do with him being really poorly over Christmas, its probably knocked his confidence, he was sick a lot of the time and we did tend to coddle him, telling him he was a poor baby, but I kinda just want my brave baby back.

I'm working hard at encouraging him, pushing at boundaries that were not there before but are there now and generally discussing his fears and letting him know that whilst he is growing up, he is still just a "little boy" who is very clever and very loved.

White house

2009-01-18T21:37:00.001+01:00

Keefe is off doing work/play things so I got to play with Dylan this morning. I rang Annette and asked if she wanted to come to the Whitehouse farm with me. She wasnt feeling so hot, but Tom, her hubby said he would join me.

I then called Ruth, with Josh, who was up for it, as was Renatta, with Danny. So wellies, cold weather gear and a desire to play firmly installed we headed up to Northumberland.

The Farm, last year, was a staple place to visit. It takes about 30 mins to drive there and can fill an afternoon, or a full day, depending on the weather.

It was bitterly cold when we arrived, first ones there, so we doned coats, hats and gloves and headed to the warmth of the shop. Dylan found dinosaurs and cows...

Then we headed down to see the petting animals, some HUGE rabbits, some reptiles and some chickens. The goats, which Dylan loved last year, were scary, and I ended up feeding them. It took me ages to get him to approach them and then he kept saying they would bite him. I didnt push!!

Tom, Orla, Renatta and Danny turfed up, after taking a small diversion, and we all headed up to the big sheds where the pigs, cows, goats, Llamas and horses were waiting for us.

The gang on thier way to see the animals - Brrrrrr!

Some radiators - or reindeers as we know them.

We brave few!

Renatta and Danny

Tom and Orla

Then we played - or rather the others played, Dylan was scared!!!

Then we raced

Sadly all this excitement was too much for Dylan and we departed in tears. Poor wee man!!!

2008 encapsulated

2008-12-30T16:27:00.003+01:00

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

The Goose is getting fat...

2008-12-20T19:54:00.002+01:00

Yes, yes, Christmas is coming, and yes the goose is getting fat, Ive been desperately trying to reign in the Christmas madness.

"No mum, we do not need beef, turkey, ham and pork on Christmas day. No mum cooking dozens of mince pies is not necessary to our happiness. No mum I dont think we need a starter, a main course, a desert, christmas pudding and cheese, surely just the main meal, mince pies (cause no one likes Christmas pudding) and cheese is more than enough".

Dylan's present pile has increased with each passing day, and there is a small element of shame that fills me, is this all necessary. As a child I remember such fun Christmases, yes we had presents, but did we have this much stuff! Probably, but it still feels like too much.

Am I being unrealistic to want a nice family day, with a few gifts, that are wanted, not that are brought for the sake of buying something. I want to spend time with my parents and my gorgous boy. Is it too much to ask!

Am I being a kill joy?

Christmas Fayre

2008-12-13T19:44:00.001+01:00

Because the nursery has been so fantastic over the last couple of months with mums various hospital appointments and crappy illnesses I volunteered to Victoria a non gratis session at the Christmas Fayre. I was actually pretty nervous because Ive only done three Christmas sessions and I only got the training video last week from Jane, but I'd promised and a promise is a promise.

Mum and dad came with Dylan and I. Dad took the photo's, mum entertained Dylan with painting, visiting Santa Claus and playing with Baby Jesus and I entertained the hordes...

Dylan's First Nativity Play

2008-12-12T18:03:00.002+01:00

I couldnt believe it, today was really lovely, he joined in, he danced and he sat, quiet without singing, when they were expected to.

To see a larger image, just click on the collage.

It was a really lovely half an hour, and I know its really mumsie, but I WAS SOOOO PROUD - and yes, before anyone asks I cried.

Dont put your son on the stage Mrs Browning....

2008-12-05T18:35:00.002+01:00

Oh my dear, well what can one say...

Its all been a very stressful few weeks. Dylan, whilst enjoying much of his new nursery room has apparently had some teething problems.

Hmmm - today cheryl, caterpillars room leader approached me when I picked Dylan up.

"Shannon, we have a slight problem with Dylan".

"Oh, what? Is everything ok".

"Oh yes, everything is fine" reassuring smile. "Its just that he is getting a little bit distressed when we are doing the rehearsals for the nativity play.

I laughed, "He's not jumping up and singing "I wanta move it, move it?"

"Well yes, he is, but we keep trying to make him sit still and thats what's distressing him. We might have to bring him out to you when we do the play, I just didnt want you to worry!"

Worry!

My god, does this mean my child is going to be a stageaphobe.

Actually that wasnt what my initial thought was, but those who know Keefe and I and know we have both stomped upon the boards we loving call AmDram, it was a slight niggle thought in the back of my mind - NOT REALLY, well maybe a little!

"Oh OK, no problems" I said and giggled.

I went home and told mum and dad and Keefe, who all said "Dylan, stage shy - NEVER!!".

Whatcha gonna do... force the issue? Damn right I am, now where are those dress up clothes!!!

Moving up to Caterpillars

2008-11-22T18:18:00.003+01:00

A week or so ago Dylan's Key worker, Vicky, said that Dylan was going to be "popping" into the next room up - the Caterpillars room, this is for children 2yrs and 9 months to 4years - he wouldn't be going up till after Christmas but it was going to be an introduction.

At the end of last week Vicky and Sally, the Tweenies room leader, had a chat with me to say that they thought he and Jamie, Dylan's friend were ready and happy to move up right then and there....

Oh my goodness...

He's moving up to the big boys room...

My baby is no longer a baby!!!

Cough colds and works of art.

2008-11-21T18:09:00.000+01:00

Dylan and I have both been infected with various bugs that have caused us to snot, to cough, to poop or to spew, gorgeous in our total illness!

The other night, after 3 consecutive nights without sleep due to Dylans coughing, my coughing, Dylans sickness and my toilet runs, I couldnt find the energy to get out of the bed to hack up my snot. (I can hear Helen gagging) So in my lazy ugness I coughed up a small gold mine and spat it into my empty water glass.

Im sorry, its revolting I know, but I really couldnt drag my sorry ass out of bed to get to the toilet for more toilet roll.

Anyway, reveling in my revoltingness I did this about six times through the night.

The morning dawned and I reminded myself that I needed to clean the glass out, I went to brush my teeth and heard Dylan humming to himself. Ahhh I thought, I wonder what he is doing...

I walked back down the hall to see Dylan holding my glass, with his fingers splayed, covered in snot "Look mummy" he said "Im drawning"....

Gag - I think I may be creating the next Damien Hurts!!

Bev turns 40

2008-10-25T18:16:00.012+01:00

Simon, Bev's gorgeous husband contacted me a while back to help organise a party for his beloved wife.

This weekend was the party weekend. I finished sing and sign, got into the car and drove over to Garstang, Preston. It was a horrible drive, wet, windy and full of bloody drivers who drove at 50 miles an hour.

I finally got the Simon and Bev's about 4o'clock. It was going to be a surprise party, but those who know and love Bev know that its just not possible to do surprise anything where she is concerned. So there was no need for pretenses, I turned up and after hugs and tea, chatting with Bev and Lynne, thier house mate, Simon and I set off to the venue to set it up.

Candles, baloon and embarrassing pictures in place we returned home to get ready for the party. Bev is a, and Im sure she wont mind me saying this, horsey person. She lives in jeans and enjoys mucking out and generally doing horsey things, she doesnt do dresses, but tonight she doned a gorgeous dress, which showed off her puppies perfectly - she hated it, put on make up and even did her nails. This is obviuosly what happens when you turn 40!

Almost on time we all headed off to the party, where we proceeded to drink, dance and generally be merry. I had a fantastic time, running round with my camera, taking pics of people having fun, drinking, smoking and dancing. The evening was lovely and as the DJ wound up I was left thinking how lovely my friends life is, great friends who love her and a husband who, whilst not the most romantic bloke in the world, would throw a surprise party for her and let her in on the surprise.

A small crowd of us headed back to the house for "more wine", more waffle and in my case a little bit of snogging. But thats my secret and Im not telling anyone nuffink else about that!!!!

So here they are - a few pics to capture the evening.

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Im weak - I went covert in Total!

2008-10-20T15:11:00.004+01:00

But Im trying! Very trying I hear you call!

Rooooaaaaaarrrrrrr - well actually I have to admit that by Thursday I ran out of steam, but I did manage to maintain at least a level of healthyness until Saturday when I cracked and brought six chocolate doughnuts, a bottle of wine and 10 fags....

DOH!

It was the garages fault. Damn Total gargage and their Hot food counter! I had gone in feeling all in control and there they were all wrapped up and yummy, well we all know chocolate goes well with wine, and wine goes well with fags, but Im a non smoker and if I was going to be naughty that was the one rule I was going to stick with. So I covertly snuck the chocolate doughnuts and wine beneath a paper, you never know who might be watching.

When the lady at the counter asked if I had any petrol I smiled and said "No", but ... slipping the delights over the counter,"anything else" she smiled at me temptingly - Im sure I saw horns and I found myself saying "yeah, 10 Richmond menthol please"... and just like that - failure. Back in the safety of my own house I closed my curtains, pulled on my pyjammies then ate, smoked and drank my way to self destruction.

I woke the next morning with Helen's voice echoing in my head "worst thing you can do, binge drink". And through dedication and determination I set about doing everything I should have done yesterday.

In my "I am woman hear me roar" mood I had invited mum and dad round for Sunday Lunch. Not wanting to blow my own trumpet, I felt pretty darn confident that this was going to be a lovely meal.

I peeled vegetables, prepared the steamed lemon desert, put in the meat and managed to clean throughout the house. Totally in control I sat in front of the TV and watched "Fanny Hill" - What a woman!

Mum and dad turned up about 1.30, veg cooking, meat looking a bit red, but stil time. Keefe was to deliver we man to us for 2pm and dinner would, I felt confident, be served at 2.15. Its all about timing.

2.10, the phone rang. Keefe's car wasnt working, dad was dispatched to go and pick up Dylan. The potatoes, were looking a bit crisp, so I turned them down, the meat was still looking a bit red - hmmm! Turn down the veg.

2.45 dad returns.

Meat a disaster, potatoes and parsnips so hard you can hardly cut through them, brocolli, asparagus and cabage so limp they need surgical support to get to the plate.

All in all - one very big disaster. Mum and dad were very polite about the whole thing, but did suggest maybe Mum should do Christmas dinner!

I am woman, hear me whimper!

Tell me why

2008-10-13T15:38:00.000+01:00

I hate Mondays... or at least that's how the song goes, me, Im actually loving today, I dont know where Ive got all this positivity from but today is the first day of the rest of my life...

Kinda...

Today Im a non smoker - those who know me have my permission to knock any offending cigarettes from my lips if you see me with one in my mouth.

Today I have started my fitness regime - Im doing pilates on Mondays, thanks to Helen for the prompt. Tuesdays Im going swimming with Ruth. Wednesday is a rest day, but will probably spend the evening with Dylan crawling round the floor, running up and down the stairs and generally being "fun mum". Thursday Im doing my rosemary Connoly DVD, 50 minutes of exercise meant to tighten and firm. Friday Im having a rest day. Saturday will mean gardening or decorating and we all know how they make you feel.

Today I have decided that no matter how corny it is "no one else can make you feel inferior to them unless you let them".

Today is the first day of the rest of my life!

Stuck

2008-10-10T15:01:00.001+01:00

I woke up this morning still buzzing from my rather gorgeous burst of energy and enthusiasm of yesterday. I ran round the house like a mad dervish, cleaning, tidying, getting Dylan ready for nursery whilst juggling the washing, the demands for "more Thomas" and managing to get my sing and sign stuff out to the car.

"I am woman hear me roar"

Then 10 minutes before my estimated departure time I was herding my immaculately pressed wee man out to the car. "I want to drive the twaktor" (Tractor - my car, yes it really does sound this bad) exclaimed the little man.

He climbed into the car, I pushed in the keys and whilst sorting out the recycling I left him to play farmers.

The wind decided at that moment to blow all the papers out of my recycling box (crap) and I downed the box and took off after the paper like some heat seeking missile. Success, the paper caught I turned as the door to the car slammed shut (bugger, fingers)But no, I saw a smiling, waving Dylan. I waved back then my eyes bulged as he hit the door lock button.

In slow motion I ran towards him, "Noooooooooo". Hands pressed up against the window I stared at him in amazement, anger and total loss.

"mummie, look, I stuck in". He turned to the drivers wheel and proceeded to play again.

"Dylan, baby" I said as I banged on the window (keep calm) "Dylan, look at mummie, see the handle, pull the handle". Ignored! I fumbled for my bag, spare key, no spare key, spare key in the house, where's the house keys - yep, on with the car keys.

"Dylan, sweetheart" I said as I banged on the window (Big smile, tinged with desperation - keep calm) "Dylan, look at mummie, see the handle, pull the handle", desperately miming pulling a handle. He looks at me with big eyes and suddenly that's when it hits him, he is locked in. Little hands come up to the window,eyes fill with tears "Mommie".

"oh Dylan, its alright, don't worry, mummie will get you out!" But how, I call my dad, mum has a spare key. I get his answer machine, bloody answer machines. I call his work number, I get his answer machine, I call his spare phone, the bloody answer machine again. I hate bloody answer machines. I call my mum, Arghhh the bloody answer machine. I call my dads work number again. This time a colleague answers, "no he's not here, have you tried his mobile?".

I stand in the street the wind whipping and rain threatening and I'm on the edge of tears. Dylan sits with his head hidden and cries. I have never felt so hopeless in all my life. I consider throwing a plant pot through the patio doors, but the cost of replacing the double glazed windows brings me to my senses.

I pace - I'm good at pacing. Dylan still cries, his little face looking at me asking why I'm not getting him out of the car. "I stuck mummie, open door" he says. "I cant baby - please Dylan, pull the handle. Wind the window down, do you remember how to wind the window down?" Blank, more tears!

I call Jane, my sing and sign boss. Not to worry she will cancel the course, everyone will understand. Will they? God I hope so!

Finally my phone rings. "Its dad, got your message on my way home now to pick up the keys". A wave of relief hits me. "its OK baby, Rubber Duck is coming to save the day". We wait, how long does a minute last...

45 minutes later and no end of tears and retching and dad drives down the road. I press my hands up against the window. "Dylan, Grandie is here" the window slowly moves, and Dylan winds down the window. "Mummie" he whispers "I was stuck".

I stick my arm through the window and pull the handle. Dylan in my arms I turn to dad with tears streaming down my face.

"I am woman hear me roar"....

Blue gone, hello Yello

2008-10-09T14:59:00.000+01:00

Just a quicky to say, Im no longer blue, infact Im peachy, Im in the pink, Im bloody happy...

Just goes to show - no matter how long the road or how dark the tunnel a Llama is always bigger than a frog!

Im feeling blue.

2008-10-08T15:35:00.002+01:00

Yes, I'm afraid its true. Yesterday I was all "its fine, I can deal with it", but today I've hit a low and I'm feeling blue.

Maybe cause I'm doing a full days work and I want to be with my wee man.

Maybe cause the rumours about me writing love letters to Jo's dead husband, obviously before he was dead, are getting to me. Last night it just seemed funny, today it seems spiteful and cruel to say things like that about me! Why would she make up these things?

But maybe the real reason is because I drank a bottle of wine last night and I feel as sick as a pig!!!

The wall cracks.

2008-09-23T15:35:00.001+01:00

my neighbour, who for the last couple of weeks has been ignoring me in the noisiest possible way, spoke to me this morning.

She informed me she had to wash the bonnet of my car on Saturday morning cause she was sick on it on Friday! She thinks her drink was spiked and when she got back home it was my car she chose to spew up on, but I'm not taking it personally, after all she cleaned it up.

I thanked her for her due care and attention and got into my car - its definitely a thaw!!!

Its dark.

2008-09-15T22:15:00.000+01:00

Dylan has been struggling with going to bed. Actually Ive been struggling to put him to bed. It used to be 8pm, but now its nearer 9pm, which means the usual tidying and general upkeep gets left undone and its driving me crazy.

So the other night I started his usual bed time drill, dinner, play, bathtime, then quiet time with a DVD of his Lordships choice. All went well until I suggested we went to bed, then suddenly my quiet little sleepy head began to bounce on the sofa, run round the living room and generally became an active time bomb.

After half an hour of saying No, I finally got him upstairs and in bed. We lay quiet for a while, me thinking "this is it", then suddenly he was up again, "Its moooorning mommie", "Lets look outside", "I know, lets play cows and farmers". I lay him back down on the bed and in exasperation sighed, "Mommie has her eyes closed, its dark, its bedtime,close your eyes, put your head on your pillow and go to sleep".

All was quiet. Then a little voice said "mommie... its dark cause you have your eyes closed"

Well lets face it you cant argue with his logic!!

Its been a strange old couple of weeks.

2008-09-02T21:14:00.001+01:00

God I don't even know where to start with this one. I'm suddenly the bitch from hell and I don't know how I got here.

Jo and Lynne have both sent me to "Coventry", I would laugh if it were not so hurtful. I got a most vitriolic letter from Jo calling me a nutter and telling me I drink too much, that I'm a self centred soul who turns everything into a me situation.

I'm not going into it to much, but sorry to turn this situation into a me situation, I'm really hurt that Ive been villainised (Sp) this way. I'm left trying to explain to Dylan why he can't go across and play with his friend Ryan, Lynne has made it clear that we are not welcome, and it hurts so much.

The morning of the funeral the card to the flowers I brought for Ron, was thrown across the fence. Jo's letter made it perfectly clear that I was not welcome at the funeral.

I want to sell up and move out of the area. I felt alone and very unsure of myself. What did I do wrong to bring such hatred to my door. Where did I go wrong? Am I really such a nasty drunken bitch, who is self involved and attention seeking?

Please don't answer that, I'm not sure I can read the replies!

A sad,sad day.

2008-08-24T21:06:00.001+01:00

I woke this morning to a phone call from Lynne, Ryans mum, "Shannon, can you come over please".

"Lynne its 6.30 in the morning, what the f**k is wrong.

"Please Shannon, come over, he's dead."

I put the phone down, got dressed and headed over.

Ron, Jo, my next door neighbour's husband, had died in the night, a massive heart attack.

Lynne had been over there since 2.30am. He was a fit, healthy man and it was totally unexpected. He was a lovely man, gentle and fun. I enjoyed spending time in his company, although I have to say I was generally imbibing a bottle or two, but he was a good man, a good husband and a good neighbour.

I went round to Jo's to "pay my respects". Her son, Josh opened the door, Jo was in the hallway and once she saw it was me she told Josh to shut the door.

I was devestated. I know we havent been on the best of terms these last few months, but I never expected that.

Luckily the hours past and Jo came round to mine, we hugged and I attempted to express how sad I was. I did some shopping for her, the mundane always helps and I told her I was there for her if she needed me.

It made me realise how lucky I was to have the people around me who I have. Im constanly holding Dylan thinking "what if".

Another fun weekend in Cumbria.

2008-08-17T20:44:00.001+01:00

The title says it all, and I hate to repeate myself, but we did have such a gorgeous weekend. Joji, as always a lovely hostess, we saw cows and fed horses, we even helped with a rockery.

Dylan loves being with Jo, we spent a great rainy afternoon in a small cafe that had a soft play area.

I want to recreate the muriels they had on the walls in Dylans bedroom.

Monday morning Shaun, or Saun as Dylan knows him, was home to play and play we did.

We went to a farm that had a corn maze and we stode round the maze with great aplomb, being dinosaurs and tigers, we got lost and found ourselves, we had so much fun.

We even saw pigs....

Its boring to say it but I love being in Cumbria with Shaun and Jo, I always feel so bloody relaxed, there is never any time I feel like being anything other than myself.

Here it is.

2008-08-15T01:00:00.000+01:00

I have to admit to feeling scared of blogging, its been so long and I just didnt know how to put everything down and make it worth while, so Ive done it this way...

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

I promise to be much better with my blogging from now on in.

Da,da,da,da,da, da Dahhhhhhhh

2008-07-23T15:15:00.000+01:00

Nope, nothing yet, but it is coming....

And, my life continues....

2008-07-04T18:20:00.000+01:00

Ahh where has the time gone my friend, where has the time gone?

Well actually its not so much as time, more about Internet connections, computer problems and generally having a life.

Yes, I’m rather surprised at that comment, but I – little ole me – has suddenly found herself in the rather strange situation of thinking do I spend time getting frustrated with this brick I call a computer and blog or do I go out this weekend/and or evening and have a lovely time with friends, old and new, and you know what, I chose the latter.

I’m going to have to compress some of the last couple of months. Some of this is going to be bits I wrote up with the intention of blogging and other bits are just going to be me filling spaces. So if it seems a bit bitty bear with me…

So when do I go back to…

Down on the Farm

Well my first lovely weekend away was the beginning of June (Gulp, really that far back) with Jo and Shaun. Dylan and I headed over to Cumbria. Shaun’s outdoor activity business is doing really well so he tends to spend a lot of his weekends working. However Jo is a delight to spend time with and Dylan loves his Joji so much.

We spent Saturday on a Farm, chasing chickens,

attempted to kidnap a Kid (Goat) climbed on tractors

and generally had a fabtastic time.

Dylan just “oohed” and “ahhed” most of the day away, “Look – Cows”, “Look Sheep”, “Look Pigs”.

The weather turned just as we got on the tractor but it didn’t stop the excited squeals coming from the kids as the cow did a poo! What is it about poo and kids that goes so well!

With the rain pounding on our heads we headed home about 1.30, thinking we needed lunch and an afternoon nap. However we had to return back to the farm for Dylan’s Pony ride, which I booked early in the morning. Dylan crashed almost as soon as his bottom hit the chair so Jo and I enjoyed a leisurely lunch and chat.

We then snoozed on the sofa, enjoying the crackling fire and pretending to read our books. At 4 we pulled our bottoms off the sofa and slipped into some wet weather gear. Dylan grumbled, but once he found out we were going to see the “cows” again excitement ensued. We got back to the farm to find it almost deserted; the stalls were slowly dismantling and packing up. We stood around for a while, we purchased some sausages and looked lost.

Eventually we decided to ask if the pony ride was still running, I eventually located a small boy who looked slightly bemused “Oh, we didn’t think there was anyone left, give me a second” and he headed off. Jo and I went for a coffee and we waited. A slightly harried young man approached us, “You for the pony ride”. I kind of wondered if he thought it was Jo or me that wanted the ride and was wondering how to tell us it was for children only.

Once Dylan was dragged away from the tractors he was supplied with a hat and marched out to meet his pony.

At first he was slightly hesitant, demanding that Jo and I walk with him, but after a couple of minutes he was grinning away like an ijit on a pony and kicking his little legs. “Look Mummy, I on horse”.

The rest of the weekend was spent eating well, talking and generally relaxing in company that makes me smile.

Shaun and Dylan had their usual mad hour before we left,

whilst I picked rhubarb from their garden, Shaun dashed around like a mad dashy thing pushing Dylan in a wheel barrow.

Squeals of delight and pure terror mixed as he flew and bounced around like a rag doll, he loved it, Shaun loved it, I crapped myself each time his bottom came off the bottom of the wheel barrow, expecting bloody teeth and broken noses.

My god, I think I’ve finally grown up!

Tinternet Hell

Sometime over the next three weeks the water board moved into our area and began to dig up the paths, there seemed little reason for doing this as they didn’t seem to be laying any new pipes, just staring at the old ones whilst smoking.

Whilst digging up their pipes though, they did manage, not once but THRICE (THREE TIMES) to cut through my phone line. The company formally known as Talk Talk, but now know as “Baastaard Phone Company” were little or no help on the phone line, but, after telling me it WOULD (not Could) cost me £145.00 if the fault wasn’t on their lines the repair man simply knocked, on my door “Water Board have cut through the lines, fix it soon” and bumbled off.

This happened, as I said, three times and three times I went through the same boring conversation with someone in Pakistan, who didn’t have any record of my earlier problem.

Then, to add insult to injury, they decided to change my wireless password, I think they did this whilst having one of the “My internet isn’t connecting because my line has been cut through” conversations. So I couldn’t get Internet connection, but didn’t know why I could I couldn’t get connection. I spent a whole hour on line to their “Help desk” entering in details on outlook and deleting accounts and trying Internet with and without ether cables. To be told it must be something to do with my software – ahhhh the old faithful “Its not us it’s you” fault diagnostic!!!

Eventually I piggybacked onto my next-door neighbours broadband, with her consent of course, and poodled through the maze of queries on the TalkTalk forum. I’m not sure if this is an open access forum, but well worth the look/giggle on a wet afternoon.

I found one guy who was having the same sort of problem and communed in depth with him. After three weeks of no Internet connection he eventually rang TT up and asked them to confirm his password key, which had been changed from the original but they had “omitted to tell him of this in case it confused him”. DOH!

Anyway, whilst doing battle with the Water board and TalkTalk, Marcelle’s 50th Birthday happened over in Italy, which I missed. Guilt ridden because I didn’t even send a card, I kinda thanked my lucky stars that my phone line was dead and I headed off for my next weekend of pleasure

Helen’s Birthday Bash.

My ticket should have been booked months in advance, because I’ve known about this EVENT (Capital letters definitely needed) for ages. I’ve been looking forward to it for ages, but as is my wont and my continuous bad habit of leaving everything till the last minute I booked my ticket on Tinternet. Tickets booked a week before the event, not a problem. Tickets not arrived by the Wednesday before the even, a slight problem. Tickets not arrived by the morning of travel – hmmm PROBLEM.

Got on to Bank “No, we have no record of your purchase”. So I got on to the Tinternet site I booked tickets through and got a “No, we have no record of your purchase”. PANIC!!!

Booked tickets at inflated cost and battered myself around the head, this surely would teach me to pre-book. Nah, sounds too much like hard work and rather sensible, where would the adventure be in pre-booking?

Anyway, my suitcase was packed, including the dress I had purchased that morning from Tesco’s. Tthe train was on time and I was feeling fab, fat but fab. Now let me just say that I knew I was journeying down to London to meet up with one of my bestest friends and I also knew that she had crept into a chrysalis this year, wove a magic spell and become a very slim, attractive butterfly (And no hooch, you were not a caterpillar before – I’m just trying to be poetic) Anyway I had a small demon on my shoulder saying things like “your fat, watch what you eat, look at you – blubber bum” but I knew that in reality this weekend was not my weekend, it was “All about Helen” and I needed my mood to reflect that.

I sat on the underground remembering why I hated London so much, the sweating, and the obvious masculinity that pervades the air, the claustrophobia; oh that’s just my little problem. Anyway I eventually got to Balham. 10 years since I last walked these paths, 10 years to get rid of all the computer shops and replace them with coffee houses with large plants and seats and tables outside. At one point I thought I was actually walking in the wrong direction!

The TA Centre hadn’t changed – at all. Well it was a bit grubbier than in my day but I certainly can’t take any credit for it. I met up with Helen, Martin and his gorgeous partner ….. Finishing off the tables and bar poor Martin had the three witches to deal with. He didn’t stand a chance!

Helen and I spent the evening eating Kebab and waffling though catch-up. I kept looking at my friend and thinking “My god, your gorgeous” I certainly would!!!

We drank our way through two bottles of wine. Sorry I drank my way through two bottles of wine, but a most pleasant night was had.

However at 2.30 I found myself with a great desire to eat crisp butties, fortunately Helen had bread and I had brought crisps with me. I plodded downstairs and made a sandwich. Hunger pang sorted I curled back up in bed and went to sleep.

Next morning I woke to Helen, not so much chuntering but definitely muttering about the mess. In searching for a plate last night I had inadvertently dropped crisps all over the floor and counters and put the knife I used on the cats seat! I guess its all about your space, laughing she cleared up after me and we headed into the living room to investigate the clothes she had put aside for me.

I hope her next-door neighbours will forgive the excess flesh I put on show. I promise not to do it again! I came away with two suitcases full of stuff – my new and improved look. And Helen and I lugged two black bags down to the nearest charity shop. We then went for brunch at Lancaster’s – Helen’s local bruncherie (just made that one up), where we met up with Tracy Pearl. It was bally gorgeous and I ate until my belly could hold no more.

Then we headed home, whilst picking up champagne, toilet rolls and something else that was really important, was it diet coke? Helen’s mum, Christine, had just arrived – hugs all round.

Twenty minutes later we were sat outside in the garden, in the sunshine, with chilled champagne and ciggies - Absolutely Fabulous knock yourself out!

Jen and Simon, Helens ex flatmate, joined us, more champagne and then we began the mad rush to get ready. Helen asked me to do her hair, now I have to say that I’m a turn your head upside down and shake violently. But for my babe I would do battle with curling tongues. It took us bloody ages, mainly cause somehow I managed to unlock the curling things, but in the end with clips and spray it actually looked ok – or at least Helen said it looked ok - Kind of loose and sexy.

In the mad rush I discovered my knickers showed through my dress – knickers removed and that we didn’t have time to do my hair. So I did my old turn your head upside down and shake violently – DONE

Photo’s taken of the girls and Martin.

Then the party began. Helen and Martin were charming hosts, attempting to ensure that all arrivals were made welcome. Squealing, laughing and drinking followed in large amounts.

Helen Boogying the night away with stan

Although a lot of people didn’t turn up, pigs – they don’t know what a fab night they missed out on, there were enough people there to make it a good night. Some I knew from the past Martin and his girfriend, Sarah, who was lovely, Bob – great carrot cake and “sigh” Andy…. Others I had met through the joy of internet Heidi and Simon, gorgeous ex pats who live in France and who are well… gorgeous, Stan – you mad Camera man

he made me look this good.

and others I didn’t know but soon got to know, Jen and Simon, a totally mad couple but … here is that word again ... gorgeous.

I had a fab night and, strange though this may sound, only drunk a bottle of wine, excluding the end of night drink clean up –thanks for assistance from Nick in this venture. I do hate to waste alcohol.

me on a bottle of wine and a whole lot of dancing.

We floated Helens purse with 15 helium balloons. Emptied several Helium balloons, Stan and Chris, your voices did sound different! And generally had a bloody good night.

Thank you for inviting me Helen. I hated my dress, but I loved meeting all your friends.

Oh so much to write and just not enough time...

And now Im not so sure...

2008-05-06T21:50:00.002+01:00

This week has been hell, Dylan has been clinging like a limpet, every time I leave the room he has checked, by calling out "Mummie, are you there". Even when he is with my mum he is still checking that she is still with him. He constantly wants to be sitting on my knee, or holding hands.

I'm not certain if its because Keefe is away or because of the change in routine, it could even be that he is coming down with something but he is definitely not a happy boy. Not my happy boy and I'm wondering if it really is the right time to be putting him into nursery.

Everyone who has been through this has told me that he will settle, that he will get so much out of it, that the benefits far out weigh this time of indecision and upset, but I'm sat here with this little body clinging to me and I'm not sure.

My baby he goes to nursery.

2008-05-02T21:08:00.001+01:00

This is it. The big day, the day when my baby turns into a toddler. It didn't just happen over night, Oh no, Ive been both dreading and loving this day for at least a couple of weeks.

Since I've returned to work, Dylan has been with his Nanma San, but it was decided that three days, plus the additional sing and sign sessions may be too much for her so I hunted for a nursery. After visiting several I finally settled on a small establishment called "Just Learning" the staff are friendly, the building is clean and the play area outside is fairly extensive. Dylan loved his first session there, crying as we left.

I have to say I was very close to pulling Dylan out of the nursery after the first session. Gemma, Dylan's key worker, asked me to go inside, leaving Dylan outside with the rest of the group, to see how he coped with me not being around. He was happily playing in the garden with all the other children, there was a little tykes car, which was proving ever so popular and Dylan, like several other boys kept trying to get into the car. The rather big boy who was in the car pushed Dylan over and it took all my willpower to remain in the class room. Vowing that when I got the chance that kid would be tripped and pinched at the earliest opportunity.

Dylan, denied the opportunity to ride in the car picked up a rubber ring, a circular tubing thing, he has something similar at home, and when he holds it like a steering wheel we all sing "the wheels on the bus" and he drives us round the house, laughing like a loon.

As he stretched out his little arms, in the normal, ready steady go gesture, there was no chorus of "wheels on the bus",he looked around, smiled at the key workers, wiggled the tubing as if to say "I'm ready when you are" but nothing.

I stood in the playroom with tears streaming down my face. Thank god common sense prevailed cause I was very close to running outside, grabbing up that small body and running very fast towards the exit.

The nursery has a great induction period. You have your introduction session where you meet your Key Worker, the person who will spend most of the time looking after Dylan. Mum and Baby are both present. The you do two hours with mum leaving baby, then four hours, again with Baby on their own.

The Two hour session was easy, on me any way. I did a quick drop off, I couldn't even say goodbye to him, because I was crying so hard and I didn't want him to see mamam upset. I fled!

I filled the two hours with shopping for Dylan's bedroom - wallpaper and some stickers for his wall. New shoes and some pyjamas. It was easy. I returned to find him in tears. He had woke from a nap to discover himself in a strange place and screamed the place down. Gemma was attempting to reconcile him, but it wasn't happening. When I walked in, he flung his arms open and threw himself at me.

Gemma told me that he had literally woken up and hadn't been crying long, but I still felt a pang... "is this really the right thing to be doing".

Today was the big day. The four hour session, today was the day I was to leave him on his own, to deal with the big boys who don't let him in their cars, to deal with a lack of eager "Wheels on the bus" singers, to deal with not being in the safe haven of Nanma Sans and mummies home.

As we got dressed I spoke about the nursery saying how exciting it will be, how much fun he will have - as all the books advise. Dylan just kept saying "No mama". In the car I chatted on, "Wont it be fun" to which he replied "No, Mama". We got into the nursery, just as the children were filing out into the garden, Dylan went out eagerly, holding my hand, "Mama sit, stay" was his command as he played on the train. "Dylan, mummie has to go to work this morning, your staying here with Gemma and all the children". I said again. "No, Mama". "Yes darling, mummie has to go now. I love you"...

I got up to leave "No, Mama". I ran towards the door. "See you soon, baby, I love you". As I shut the door into the classroom, I turned to find my small baby pounding on the window. "Mama, No, Mama". Gemma was picking him up and holding him tight, I left almost blinded by the tears.

Like some mad mummie, I climbed onto the car bonnet so I could see over the fence and almost chocked on my own tears as I heard and saw Dylan crying and calling out for me. I sat there for 20 minutes desperately talking myself out of going back in to get him. I knew that the nursery would call me if he hadn't settled so I finally drove away.

Knowing this day was coming I was glad to have the girls on hand, firstly I cleaned the house, I called the nursery to be told he had taken about 20 minutes to settle, then he had played for a while in the garden, then came back in to the classroom, gone into the quiet corner and gone to sleep.

I then met up with the girls for lunch and I entertained myself playing with Danny and Josh. I just felt so damn wrong being there without Dylan. Four hours is a long time to fill when your desperate to be somewhere else.

I headed back to the nursery hoping and praying that all would be well, that he wouldn't of woken from his sleep unhappy. I got there to find a fairly content little boy playing in the sand.

Gemma told me that he had woken up about 12.30, hadn't had lunch but had played quite happily following his sleep. He gave me a huge hug and proceeded to show me the new animals he had found. He seemed happy.

I have to be honest and say I'm not 100% this is the right thing to be doing, but if it gives Dylan an opportunity to mix with other children and get skills I cant give him at home, it has to a good thing.

Our last day playing

2008-04-14T22:48:00.001+01:00

A big title for a monumental day. As of tomorrow I'm back into full time work, well 3 days a week full time work!

I've been feeling really low this week, Keefe has been off doing theatre stuff and Ive had Dylan pretty much 24/7, I love having him all to myself, but it is hard work and I'm forced on an daily basis to appreciate all the help and support I get from my mum and dad.

That's not why I've been feeling low though, I've just climbed into my own little cancerian hole and spent time pondering my life.

Anyway, Annette called me this morning and we made plans to head down onto the beach again. The weather was gorgeous when we spoke this morning at 7am, so with picnic stuff packed, factor 30 lathered on both of us we headed down to the beach - to find wind, rain and total greyness.

Luckily Ive learnt my lesson from our last beach encounter and had some cold weather gear for the wee man to wear.

Orla and Dylan still had fun.

And to commemorate the day there is a rare photo of Annette, Orla and Dylan all together

Im back at work

2008-04-08T22:44:00.001+01:00

Wahhhhhhh!

Actually its not that bad, I've only had to do four hours last week and I've got to do 8hrs this week. But its still time away from Dylan and Im feeling a little bit resentful to all thos stay at home mums who can afford to stay at home and dole-ites who get the government to pay for them staying at home.

Definitely on the look out for a 79yr old Millionaire with a heart defect, if you know of any, please point them in my direction.

It Snowed

2008-04-07T22:00:00.000+01:00

This morning we woke to find someone had been very naughty and made outside go all white...

Dylan wanted "out" straight away, he wouldn't take no for an answer so I let him put a foot outside, without slippers on, he soon brought it back in!

After breakfast we donned cold weather gear and headed out into the snow.

I tried to make a snow man, but it wasn't great snow. Why has the snow gone horrible?

Dylan played in the garden for a couple of minutes then looked at me, very perturbed, held his arms up in the air and said "mama, Dy cold", he then burst into tears and we quickly headed back in doors where it was nice and warm

Down on the beach

2008-04-04T22:07:00.000+01:00

Its seems to be one of our favourite haunts at the moment, Dylan loves to play in the water, Orla loves to play in the sand, they both love droping stones in the water and Annette and I can get a coffee after they have run themselves silly.

A perfect afternoon.

Annette tends to go for Swiss caution and Orla is dressed up ready for Iceland weather

Me Im training Dylan to be a true Geordie, the type of bloke who in mid Winter can walk down the street with his tabs stuck under his t.shirt sleeve and no coat on...

I love Tynemouth beach, it just such a lovely area to play.

Pretty soon after filming this we went for coffee!

The visiting it continues...

2008-03-31T00:19:00.003+01:00

I've gotta say that Shaun, my brother, is a bit difficult to deal with at times, sometimes he's all "yeah" and other times there is a definite "Fuck, why are you here vibe", that I find hard to deal with.

Even though we confirmed we were coming to visit 3 weeks ago, I've had that vibe this weekend, when I had to ask if it was ok to stay the extra night on Sunday I really felt like I was overstaying the weekend.

Shaun informed me that he was working Monday, so I kinda planed to leave early morning, allowing Dylan to sleep in the car on the way to Bev and Simon's. I figured we could spend the day meandering around Lancaster until Bev and Simon got in on Monday evening.

Monday morning dawned and Dylan woke up with the words "Cows" burning his lips, I heard Jo in the shower so knew it was okay for us to get up. In our pyjamas we headed down the back of the garden to say to "goodmorning" to the cows. The farmer, who is according to Shaun and Jo, a bit of a recluse, waved and smiled at us. I guess the sight of a very dishevelled mommie, holding up a grinning two year old screaming "Morning Cows" can break down the biggest of walls.

After checking out the cows we returned to the kitchen to Jo. Dylan was in denial about Jo leaving to go to work. "Jogi - stay". "Cows". "Hold hand". Jo seemed to find it almost as difficult to say goodbye to Dylan and he did to her. But, unexpectedly Shaun turfed himself out of bed and the separation process was made slightly easier.

We waved off Jo and returned to the kitchen for more tea. There is something intrinsically lovely about sitting and drinking tea with your brother. Especially when said brother appeared to be in the loveliest of moods.

Instead of demanding our departure Shaun actually encouraged us to spend the day with him. He explained he had a couple of jobs to do in Keswick but was happy to take us to the climbing wall to do a bit of climbing.

I packed up the car whilst Shaun took Dylan out to say goodbye to the cows. Then we set off to Keswick. I really did think it was a going to be a here it is, say goodbye... but we spent a gorgeous day with Shaun. He demonstrated such a huge amount of patience with Dylan, chasing round after him, encouraging him to play, encouraging me to climb, encouraging both of us to investigate.

Dylan loved the swinging stuff,

but didn't particularly go for the climbing.

I thought it was still a bit early, but talking to one of Shaun's friends it seems that its actually quite normal to encourage 2 yr olds to start climbing.

Dylan did however love the latter part of the afternoon where Uncle Shaun played, they threw sticks and generally just interacted. I loved watching it. Dylan seemed to really enjoy the maleness of Shaun's play. They sat on a hill throwing sticks at me

Which Dylan thought was hilarious

doing Pooh sticks

And just playing. It was really gorgeous to watch. Sometimes I wonder if he is starved of male role models, cause whenever he is with a "guy" Dylan just becomes so interactive and playful.

Anyway, the afternoon had to come to an end and at 4 o'clock we said goodbye to Shaun and set off to Bev and Simon's in Lancaster. Dylan cried as we drove away "Bye, bye Shaun", "Shaun Gone mama"

Within minutes of being in the car he was asleep, the afternoons activity obviously taking its toll. The drive down to Lancaster was really easy and very enjoyable. As I drive through the Cumbrian landscape I always feel so at home, being an army brat I have limited opportunities to return to places. This is one of the few places I can.

I arrived at Bev's thinking I would have to hang for a while, but luckily Lynne and Simon were both home.

Now again. Misconceptions rule. And Ive probably not taken Dylan to visit Bev and Simon cause they are definitely not "children" people. Simon and Lynn, Bev and Simon's house mate, were totally cool with Dylan, really welcoming and very encouraging to his forages into their home.

Simon took us on an exploration around their house, which is a very lovely place at the back of a farm, so there were "tractors", chickens and sheep in abundance. Most exciting to Dylan was Bev's horse trailer, which Simon happily opened up for us, Dylan climbed a mongthe horse poo, much to Simons amusement and the tone for the evening was set.

We spent a lovely evening at a local pub with Bev and Simon being perfect hosts to me and a rather exuberant 2 yr old. With Dylan in bed much wine was consumed and we chatted, caught up and I just had a lovely time. Buckets of wine later I head for bed with a warm feeling in my belly.

The morning dawned and Dylan and I sneaked downstairs to join Lynn for breakfast, Bev soon joined us and we had a leisurely meander threw cornflakes. Sadly all visits must come to an end so I packed up the car and we waved "Bye Bye" to Bev.

My misconceptions I have stored firmly in the bin. Bev and Simon are totally fab with kids and I would be more than happy to leave the little bloke in their tender ministrations.

We went a visiting.

2008-03-30T21:45:00.000+01:00

This weekend, with Keefe away in London, I decided to pack up the car and head over to visit Shaun and Jo - we've not been over to see them since October last year and I love spending time with Jo, she is just so easy going.

Dylan spent the morning with Pops (My dads current name) Ludden whilst I did 'sing and sign'. I came home to find a very happy wee man lying on the sofa with a grin on his face. Dylan was pretty happy too. They had been down on the beach, getting very wet.

Putting a tired we man into the car I headed off to Cumbria, the traffic was actually pretty good and we made great time. Dylan was asleep by the time I hit the end of my road and didn't wake up until we hit the beginning of Jo and Shaun's. What a great way to travel - get in the car, go to sleep, wake up and "hey presto your there".

Jo was her normal gorgeous welcoming self. Dylan walked into the house, through the living room into the kitchen, pointed out the back and said "Cows, outside". Which yes, there were. HE REMEMBERED!!!

My inability to pack properly meant that we had to pop into Cockermouth to buy a coat! Coat picked up we headed off to Georgina's, a friend of Jo's from work. Georgina has chickens! Need I say more! Dylan had a fantastic time and Georgina made us really welcome, we had tea and cake and Dylan was allowed to pick his own egg from the coop for breakfast. He was such a little charmer and made himself totally at home!

Sunday we spent with Jo, as Shaun was working. We went for a gorgeous walk in the morning, in search of cows, the lane we walked down was full of puddles and mud and Dylan stomped through each and every one. We saw lambs, Dylan was over the moon he actually signed "Baby" and "sheep" - hmm was Dylan over the moon or was I.

With wellies full of water and mud we headed home for a morning nap - it didn't happen.

So instead of Jo cooking I took her up to the villages local to see what they offered for Sunday lunch. From the outside its a really rough little pub, I was kinda expecting the place to go quiet as we entered, with the swoosh of the pub doors the only thing we could hear, but instead we got a welcoming "hello" from the bar man.

We ordered drinks and Dylan took charge. He played on the bar stools, investigated the tables and got the bar man to play "boo" with him. The food was fab and even with Dylan doing his little hooligan bit, we had a very lovely time.

The rest of the afternoon was filled with the obligatory snooze in front of the "real coal fire", making cornflake chocolate crunchies, finding cows and investigating Shaun and Jo's allotment - A pretty full day.

Dylan put his coat on by himself, once he had it on I couldnt get him to take it off - I had to do it up for him!!!

By the time I eventually got Dylan into bed I was more than ready for the warmth of the duvet myself.

Dylans Party

2008-03-22T22:33:00.003+01:00

This weekend the weekend of the JOINT BIRTHDAY PARTY.

There are five of us, Annette, Helene, Julie, Emma and me, who hang on a regular basis, whose babies, Orlan, Archie, Eva, Maisey and Dylan, were all born pretty near each other. Rather than having separate parties we had decided to have a joint party, we had also agreed that our little bambino's have got enough stuff, so we decided to ask everyone who was coming to the party to not bring presents, but to make donations to the NSPCC.

Invitations went out, the room was booked and the cakes made (thanks to Annette). Saturday morning came and I felt bloody awful, I had spent most of the night poo-ing through the eye of a needle and being violently sick when I wasn't poo-ing.

Mum and dad agreed to take Dylan to the party, because Keefe was going to do his shopping - priorities in the right place, or what. After dropping Dylan off at mine, he then had the cheek to invite himself to the party. I was too ill to actually argue with him. He didn't even see that as he didn't know anyone else there and had made no contribution to the party that it was, in my opinion, wrong for him to be there.

But he went, so did mum and dad. Mum called me half way through the party to say that Emma, had asked Keefe if he was "Dylan's Grandad". God that made me smile - bitch that I am!

Me, I spent the day lying on the sofa, watching "Sharp" in between visits to the toilet.

Mum and dad took Dylan for the night, because Keefe had to tidy up and he had had him for two nights previously.

I'm saying nothing!!!! (four exclamation marks should say it all)

What have I been doing these last couple of days...

2008-03-21T22:17:00.002+01:00

Well, Keefe went off to London and Ive been looking after Dylan. Its been the usual chaotic crap, added into the pot is my returning to work - Booo, and getting the all clear from Mr Collis regarding my boobs and the all clear on the cancer scare - Yeahhhhhs all round.

Ive also spent a lot of time with Annette and Orla, just hanging either at the aquarium, Kikis or pottering round her place. Its just so easy spending time with Annette, we seem able to talk about anything and generally we do.

This afternoon we headed to the park and Orla and Dylan ran round like mad thingies. its a great way to get them tired out for the night. Annette and I did our usual entertainment thang on the see saw. We are getting pretty good at requests, although I have to say generally we do "Horsey, Horsey", "How much is that doggy in the window" and "Wheels on the bus". All the other mums and dads in the park look on us like we are little mad, but also with a little jealousy - We are after all quite fab!!!

My baby is back...

2008-03-18T21:32:00.003+01:00

I crept upstairs once he slept and peeked in at him, I couldnt resist taking this photo.

God I love him

My Quiet time endeth...

2008-03-17T21:10:00.003+01:00

I spent this morning attempting to make up for my rather lax weekend. I walked down to the shops, it was lovely, windy but still nice to just plod on down. I have to say that the walk back with two heavily laden bags was slightly just off the nice... my arms ache!

I changed my bed, did several loads of washing and spoke to Hooch. It was during this conversation that I finally had to face that Im now totally clear of my antidepresants. And Im back to a rather emotional me!!!

Hooch sent me a photo she had taken whilst attending a ball down in London. She has over the last couple of months lost an incredible 40lbs. Following an accident as a child her front teeth were a stained brown colour, I have to admit that after talking to her for about 3 seconds you totally forget this, but its always been an issue for Hx and because she can she got it fixed.

In this photo she looked slim, she looked confidant and she was smiling!! Even as my bridesmaid she didnt smile (that may have been the dress) but just seeing her looking so fantastic was just too much for my raw red emotions and I burst into tears.

Just as I was pulling myself together didnt the 'cahw' go and call me... Blub!

Anyway following a prolonged conversation we said goodbye, Hx went off to do some work and I went off to play with my compter, whislt watching some of the DVDs that I have never quite found the time to watch.

2.30 came and in walked my wee man. My heart sored and as he ran to me, crying "Ma" I knew that as much as I have loved this lazy weekend, I love having him in my life much more.

Daniels visit.

2008-03-16T22:28:00.000+01:00

Keefe was responsible for capturing pictures of Daniel and Dylan whilst on his visit. Its not one of the things he is great at, so these are the pics I have ....

Call me a couch potatoe...

2008-03-16T19:33:00.002+01:00

I cannot believe it, I've had a weekend all to myself, excluding sing and sign yesterday morning and I've done ABSOLUTELY nothing. I mean it, nothing, nada, niet...

Ive sat on the couch moulding my butt into a deepening well of wobbliness. As each moment passes I have felt the pounds increase. That image has not been helped by the fact that I've eaten and drunk more this weekend than I've eaten and drunk for weeks.

I've plebbed!

Oh my god, I feel so guilty!

But it has been relaxing!

Dylan is leaving me...

2008-03-14T13:16:00.000+01:00

Or at least Dylan is going to stay with his daddy for the weekend. Daniel, his brother, is coming up to stay, the plan is to take him to Flamingo Land on Sunday, a day which we normally spend at Mum and Dads.

We spent the morning playing in the living room. His speach and vocabluary are becoming really defined, stringing words together to make sentances, which Im sure only close family understand, but it does make me so proud.

Ruth and Josh came to play with us at 10.30 and we had a lovely morning just chatting and watching the two boys play together.

" alt="Da Boyz">
Da Boyz!!

After lunch, which I cooked, with Nigela like precision, we all headed off, Ruth and Josh back home and me to drop Dylan off at Mums so I could head on to Sing and sign.

The latter part of the afternoon/evening was spent watching my mum and dad playing with Dylan. The do dote on him and it makes my heart smile to see how much he loves them too.

Cuddles from Nanma San

Nanma is constantly hounded to "come play" and she is not allowed to sit down for five minutes on her own. Not that she minds this of course, encouraging him to jump and bounce around the house like a small hooligan on acid.

Gandie and he are just mates, playing chase, hiding and sharing fruit.

"Its mine" - "No its mine"

Im ready to go back to work.

2008-03-11T12:46:00.000+01:00

Yep, its official, one of the outcomes of the work fiasco was that I had to go through Occupational Health to decide how and when I returned to work. The last time I went I had a meeting with a very officious bloke, who was more interested in the sound of his own voice than actually discussing what my situation and needs were. So to put it bluntly I was not looking forward to this meeting.

The letter asked you to get there 10 mins early, which I did, I then sat for another 30 mins waiting for the arrival of said bore. Each passing moment made me more angry and I spent all the time twisting my hair, biting my fingers and going through the things I would say to the officious ole bugger.

Then this lovely smily lady turned up, full of applogies, she asked me to come with her and situated me in her office, apologising again for the delay and saying how she "understood how angry I would be feeling"...

My anger slowly subsided and I was left smiling along with Ethelda Brown. Before too long I was telling her about the last couple of years. She sat writing notes and nodding and I kept thinking "God Shannon, shut up, you sound like a real hypercondriac with serious reality issues".

But once I had run out of breath she smiled, sat back and said "My God, what a couple of years you've gone through". Then she proceeded to discuss with me my best options for return, ways to relax at night time and how to cope with returning to work and leaving Dylan.

I left feeling that I hadnt been totally crap these last five months, that actually things had been addressed and I had come out of it feeling stronger and more able to cope with life.

Its amazing how a nice smile and understanding nod can change your perception on things.

Im going back to work - Its official

2008-03-06T12:39:00.003+01:00

Met up this morning with Mick, Chris (Big Bos) and Suzanne Hayward from HR. Kinda went the way I expected it, things Mick had previously said were changed, so I looked like a very paranoid wretch, and had totally misunderstood his comments - whats new there then!!!

But the basic outcome is that once I have had my meeting with Occupational Health I'm going back for 3 days a week, to be arranged with Manager at Howdon Community centre, and I will be working as an ICT facilitator.

Howdon is a good centre, so Im actually looking forward to it, the staff there are great and the punters who were coming in for the sessions I was doing there seemed really eager and very enthusiastic about ICT.

All good news then.

Just can't help wishing I could find that 68yr old millionaire with a heart defect, then I would have to go back.

2 is the Magic number.

2008-03-03T08:40:00.000+01:00

Yes today my bambino turned two.

We had such a lovely day. This morning he got out of his own bed and came into my bedroom "Ma - milk". We went downstairs and had a leisurely breakfast then I began the "get ready" for the quiet family party I had invited folks too.

Now this has actually caused a bone of contention in my family, because in two weeks time I'm going to have a joint party with some of the girls I know whose babies are born around the same time. I decided that today then would just be Mum, dad, Keefe (Cough) me and Dylan opening cards and presents. But everyone else in my family seemed to think that I needed to have cake and invite at least a few of his friends to celebrate the big day. To keep the peace I invited, last thing last night, the girls from my NCT group - even though they too would be coming to his joint party, and a new acquaintance Renata, with her lovely son, Danny.

Dylan and I headed off to the shops to fill up on party food and a cake tin. You can't make a cake without a cake tin. Shopping has become somewhat torturous. Dylan hates being in a trolley and even following Dr Tania's advise and taking things to distract him or offer him to eat, we still have a bit of a battle on our hands. Luckily he doesn't do much screaming and tantrum throwing and when it happens I'm getting better at calming and distracting "Oooh Dylan look bake beans"

So recyclable bags filled and Dylan once again contained in the trolley I headed off home with great resolve about cooking Dylan's cake. I had decided to make a carrot cake, not your traditional birthday cake, but he loves carrot cake at the moment.

In true "Shannon madness" the recipe didn't work and instead of a plump raised cake I had a thin slice of uck. The filling and topping were a crime to culinary skills and it looked like I was heading towards a true cake disaster.

Dylan was running round my legs, wholewheat flower was flying everywhere and the carrots were running low. I decided on the ole "two layers is better than one" I made another layer, filled the middle with orange butter spread, covered the top in a Delia based recipe and plonked a candle on the top "Walllahhhhhh"

I had brought food for all 14 of us and proceeded to cook a batch of chicken legs, Indian bits and pieces and making the filling for sandwiches. In the middle of basting chicken legs and sorting our ribs Ruth texted to say that sadly she wouldn't be able to make it.

I hoovered and quickly cleaned the house, or at least the bits of the house that people might go into. Next text - Danny and Renate wouldn't be coming! Hmm just hoping that those coming will be hungry.

Dylan was more than happy during my domestic trials and tribulations to play with his new cooker. Even though I had said to everyone "DO NOT BUY PRESENTS" I had succumbed myself and brought him a cooker, quite fab and he loves it.

Keefe collected Dylan at 12 to "take him off my hands for an hour or so, taking him to Adventure Land to run him ragged".

Cake disaster diverted, food cooking and house relatively clean at 2pm I felt as if I was "in control", normally I would be reaching for the wine at this stage in the firm belief that a party doesn't swing without alcohol, but for some reason being drunk didn't hang properly.

Mum and dad turned up with the tent, yes I did say tent and Weebles castle.

They just don't make them like they used too!

We blew up balloons, cooked the last of the food, stuck up banners an generally got the house ready. Just after 2.30 Keefe turned up with Dylan and his Thomas the Tank engine track, with 20 balloons the house was getting rather full. Dylan ooh'ed and ahhh'ed through the whole process, loving it.

At 3pm Annette turned up with a trampoline. Fiona and Thomas turned up soon after and it was official the house was full - I kinda thanked my lucky stars that Ruth and Renate hadn't been able to make it.

The party, if I say so myself was fab, Orla, Thomas and Dylan ran round like hooligans, playing in the tent.

Thomas, a tent and twenty balloons.

Jumping on trampolines and causing the cats to have an apoplexy. There was food a plenty, conversation flowed and it seemed that everyone had a great time.

My carrot cake was a hit!!!

By 6pm the house was almost back to normal, Dylan lay supine on the sofa with his bottle of milk an contented look on his face. He looked so happy. We, or should I say, ate the last of the party food, bathed and then watched an hour of Winnie the Pooh.

The perfect ending to a somewhat chaotic but perfect day!

A song in D-miner.

2008-03-02T00:32:00.005+01:00

Some times when listneing to a song you want to add your own verses......

Would you love meeeee
Would you love me baby

Would you love me

ifff....

I

kissed your husband/partner/live in lover.

Would you love meeeee
Would you love me baby

Would you love me

ifff....

I slep with yoooooooour best mate...

Would you love meeeee
Would you love me baby

Would you love me

ifff....

I slept with yourrrr uncle....

Would you love meeeee
Would you love me baby

Would you love me

ifff....

I said I dont love you

Would you love meeeee
Would you love me baby

Would you love me

ifff....

I said now is not the time
Would you love meeeee
Would you love me baby

Would you love me

ifff....

I said "where were YOU?"

Would you love meeeee
Would you love me baby

Would you love me

ifff....

I said "hold me tight"

Would you love meeeee
Would you love me baby
Would you love me baby ifff....

Loosing a baby once is misfortune...

2008-02-26T16:14:00.002+01:00

Loosing a baby twice is just plain stupid. Yes following our little bit of excitement on Sunday I had yet another incident today.

Keefe and a work colleague of his were kind enough to drop off a single bed from mums. I've decided to move Dylan back into the little bedroom, in the hope that the smaller room and smaller bed will encourage him to sleep in his own room. Anyway, the bed was put into his, almost, decorated room and we played together for about an hour in there.

I came downstairs to make a cup of tea and started playing with the computer... after all he was safe upstairs. About 20 minutes passed and I went back up stairs because there wasn't a single sound coming from the bedroom. He wasn't there.

I searched in all the cupboards - he has started to hide - I searched in all the bedrooms, I searched in the bathroom. I came downstairs and searched in all the rooms. Where could a little boy be hiding?

I went back up stairs feeling a slow panic creeping in. I searched all the rooms again, under the beds, behind the curtains, calling for him.

NOTHING!

I ran downstairs, the back door was closed, the front door was closed.

I ran back upstairs and looked in all the rooms again, under the beds, behind the curtains, could I have missed him?

NOTHING.

Then I went into the spare room, in panic I pulled out the bed, the cupboard, the chair and there he was fast asleep on the floor. He must have gone in there to hide and crashed. I picked him up and took him back to his room.

God I'm not sure I can do this mothering thing. I'm spending most of my time in a state of panic! Is it allowable to tie your child to your hip!!!

I lost my baby!

2008-02-24T16:02:00.001+01:00

Today I met up with Annette to do a quick walk - we had a bit of a meander around Tynemouth station, there is a small market that takes place on Saturdays and Sundays its full of bric a brac and bits and pieces, some of it nice, some of it nasty, but its generally a nice meander.

Dylan was given his obligatory pennies and he decided to buy something for Orla (Bless his little cotton socks) whilst paying the man for the green teddy bear I let go of Dylan's hand - for two seconds, or at least as long as it takes to take the money out of my purse, hand it over and thank the bloke - and bam, my son had gone.

I have to admit to panicking, I ran to Annette, "Dylan's gone", we both scanned the area in panic. No sign, I ran back to the stall, the bloke hadn't seen which way he had gone, he asked his friend on another stall - No sign.

I just kept shouting "He's two, small, blond, curls, blue eyes, he's wearing a bright orange jacket". No one had seen him. I spotted two police 'people' circling the stalls and ran to them "My baby is gone". The young woman office looked at me and in one second took in the total panic. "Its ok, what does he look like"....

"He's two, small, blond, curls, blue eyes, he's wearing a bright orange jacket".

"Is that him, over there". I turned to see my wayward wanderer happily perusing a box of toys. I ran to him, I grabbed him, I cried...

The police officer came over to me "Are you ok? I know exactly how you feel, Ive a little one about the same age... do you need a cup of tea?".

I know it sounds stupid, but I really did feel totally at a loss. In those few moments I had found his little body and buried him, had a nervous breakdown and plummeted into deep depression, ending up being eaten by cats and that would be my just deserts for being such a bad mother!!!!

Beach Play

2008-02-23T12:15:00.000+01:00

Dylan is cutting down on his sleep - I think! He doesnt seem to want to sleep through the day, but this means that sometimes he crashes out way too late, like 4pm. Which means that he doesnt want to go to bed on time cause he is still wired. So Im attempting to ensure that he doesnt crash late afternoon, by keeping him active from his afternoon nap up till bed time.

This afternoon Annette and I went to the beach, a little walk by the sea - great!!!

Dylan had other ideas though, walking was definitely not something on his mind. Walking knee deep into the water was on his mind,

sitting in the water was on his mind, lying in the water - yep that was there too...

After 20 mins of chasing waves and laughing like idiots Dylan announced he was wet, cried his heart out and then allowed me to change him. Sometimes you just dont know what to do for best.

Im going to be a God Mother...

2008-02-21T23:23:00.000+01:00

I'm a bit overwhelmed, today Annette asked me if I would be Orla's Godmother, I cried, we hugged, she laughed at me.

I'm so very, very proud and honoured and all of that stuff...

Now, the serious bit - what the hell does a Godmother do!!!!

Babies Beautiful

A bit of DIY at home with the Missus

Orla at home in Switzerland

Old McDonald had a farm...

2008-02-19T22:44:00.002+01:00

Its half term and we know that most places would be manic, so we set off today for the Whitehouse Farm, reasoning that its big and even with crowds it wouldn't be too chaotic. Its about 30 mins up the A1 and a rather pleasant drive, Annette and I meandered through the usual diverse range of conversations, I'm not sure if its because she is Swiss, or just because we get along so well, but we have the most strangest, honest, revealing conversations. Never a dull moment!!

Any Hoo - we got to Whitehouse farm and waited in line with all the other 100's of mummies and daddies who had had the same idea (bugger them). Dylan was very non British and decided after 10 mins of waiting in line that the best thing to do was run down to the beginning of the que and push on through. Most folks thought it was funny, but there were a few who tutted at this blatant show of "pushing in".

Hauled back and made to stand in line he winged and whined about "PIG". We eventually got to the paying in Shed to find one very harassed lady - my inability to provide my membership card didn't go down too well and we were eventually just waved through - she obviously had far too much to deal with!

Once inside we viewed the giant rabbits, the goats

Don't be scared little goat, I'm your friend

Can't you tell she is farm born and bred!

Be nice goaty or the sheep gets the lot

The budgies, the PIGS, the wallabies, the deer (Dylan still insists that they are goats), the sheep

With a Ba, Ba here and

the cows

Annette and Dylan with a Swiss Cow.

"Moooo-ving on"

It really is a gorgeous place to meander and very child friendly. Dylan and Orla loved interacting with the animals, I think Annette enjoys it too....ohhh go on, and me too!

"Go on, do your Cow again Dylan"

Squeals of joy pervaded the afternoon and both babes tried out their growing vocab and noises - "MOOOOOOO"

We had a frantic meal, service in the canteen was little better than the entrance shed, and then headed off for a meandering drive back through the countryside. God I'm so lucky to have places like this to visit and friends like these to go with.

Valentines Day.

2008-02-14T22:38:00.003+01:00

Valentine's Day is a holiday celebrated on February 14. In North America and Europe, it is the traditional day on which lovers express their love for each other by sending Valentine's cards, presenting flowers, or offering confectionery. The holiday is named after two early Christian martyrs named Valentine. The day became associated with romantic love in the circle of Geoffrey Chaucer in High Middle Ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished.

Valentines Day - The day of declairing love, of sharing with your partner, lover, husband, wife, significant other that you love them.

Why just on this day?

I woke this morning expecting nothing, Im not in a situation to be loaded down with cards and flowers. But my one conciliation was knowing that I probably wouldn’t be the only girl in the world, who wasn’t waiting for the postman to come to my door laden with gifts. And in a way that made me happy.

Annette and Susan confirmed my suspicion that romance dies soon after child birth by declaring that their partners had not exactly bestowed gifts of flowers, chocolates and Diamonds upon them.... not even a card.

But we discussed it and we all agreed that it was really just another poopy commercialisation, a day when flowers cost the earth and those who haven’t got anyone to adore and love are made to feel inadequate.

Who needs it?

I got home to have my next door neighbour deliver a huge box with a lovely red ribbon tied around it, upon opening my box of loveliness out popped a balloon, in the box was a little fibre optic bracelet - the sort 16 year olds wear on the dance floor to show how cool they are, some little chocolates, a little light - no idea what it does a red rose and some rose petals.

You should have seen my smile - God Im a hypocrite.

I have since discovered who my anonymous admirer is - and that’s my secret, but I can say it wasn’t Colin Firth....

One month on and

2008-02-14T21:47:00.003+01:00

Im tired, stressed and it’s primarily my fault. I have come to realise that a lot of my problems start with my inability to deal with stuff straight on. I have to ponder on it, mulch it round, have constant conversations with myself, deciding the outcomes of conversations with other people, to - in short - totally fuck up the situation and not act when I should.

Im supposed to be going back to work, I went in to see my Dr and discussed my return with him, and I was all set for it. Then I met up with my Mick (he of the Tatehood) and flammy (Yes that is Flammy).

When it comes down to the basics things at work are changing and my position is going to be one of the positions that change. But in the interim, no one can tell me what Im supposed to do, or when these changes will happen. So Im in limbo, but as far as Mick was concerned I would be returning to work on the 3rd March full time. Now there has been no discussion on this, no "consultation". He just sent me a letter and told me to sign it.

I’ve spent the last two weeks panicking because I needed to sort out child care for Dylan, I was contemplating life as a full time worker - not having any quality time with Dylan and it made me weep. It made me stressed, it’s made me have many a sleepless night cause Im chewing the cud on "what ifs" and "Whys".

But yesterday I took the bull by the horns and confronted my fears; I call occupational Health and queried my return. They knew nothing of it. Then I called my Union rep (Yes Bruvvers Im a fully paid up member) and my Union rep thinks that everything that is happening to me is "bullying" and "not in accordance to procedures". She has taken the bit between her teeth and is out for blood.

I’ve no idea if this means I dont have to go back to work, Im hoping a phased return will be given to me, which will mean I return to work slowly... Im hoping that they will be able to negotiate with work and get me my part time hours... Im hoping.

Dylan is so growed up

2008-02-13T22:02:00.000+01:00

Today I went out with Annette, we played in a park, or should I say Dylan and Orla played in a park (I only went down the big slide once) and then we went for a coffee.

On the way home I snapped this pic of Dylan and Orla

Juvenile Delinquents in training - I can hear the ASBO's hitting the floor!

Im living with Keefe again.

2008-02-05T19:26:00.001+01:00

Ha, how many of you just splutterd all over the computer board! That sentance is enough to make anyone splutter, but its just a convenience thing. His convenience my stupidity.

Every year the caravan site closes down for 8 weeks, usually we have stayed at mums, but this year for some sick and unknown reason I offered my home as refuge. Its going to be hard.

We had a huge argument the day before he moved in, he was rude, arrogant and totally unrespectful - but then I am a selfish "oscar" who thinks the world should do whatever I want.

Hmmm going to fun over the next 6 weeks.

Simple Friends Vs Real Friends

2008-02-04T04:22:00.000+01:00

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.

A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.

A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.

A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes >early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.

A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.

A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.

A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it.

A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A real friend calls you after you had a fight.

A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!

Sometimes I have to wonder if Im a real friend or a simple friend to some of my friends....

Blue Reefe Aquarium.

2008-01-28T22:24:00.003+01:00

In our search to find something to do that might entertain the bairns I have become a member of the aquarium in Cullercoats, it used to have a bit of a crappy reputation, but either being totally desperate and needing somewhere to take my nearly 2 year old has changed my perception or this place has actually improved over the years since I last went there.

There are lots of fish to see, some very beautiful and some a bit bizarre, there is also a seal tank, which I'm kinda against, but hey ho (wind your neck in)

Seals - Where?

WooooooW

and an otter thang, which stinks to high heaven - have to say that to date I have never seen an otter.

It kills a good hour and Dylan always seems to have fun running round and hiding from me. I actually spend most of my time in the aquarium in mid panic, imagining that I'm going to get round the corner after chasing my somewhat elusive son to find him swimming in one of the tanks.

Anyway Annette, Orla, Ruth, Josh, Dylan and I all headed down there today for a walk around and the obligatory coffee.

Orla and Josh looking at Sharks

Ruth and Josh

Today, the babes seemed more interested in the bit of a swing park

Ruth and Orla just hanging!

Dylan convinced Josh that playing in the shrubs was much more fun that the silly slide,

They seek him here....

Where is that Dylan gone?

All in all a rather pleasant day.

Boobs gone bad - NHS Even worse!

2008-01-16T19:20:00.000+01:00

Well it’s been another of those days that makes me wonder why and if Im really getting my life back together again. I spent the morning with Helene and Archie, Groine and Fin and Emily, Ellie and Ella. We had major fun running round Kikis like idiots, sliding down slides and paddling through the ball pools.

A couple of times I felt quite sore, but all it all it actually felt quite good to be out and about again. Dylan loved the interaction with the other kids and I was surprised at how he was playing with them. Over the last couple of weeks he has, along with me, been pretty house bound. We got out a few times, but I was unable to play with him or really bounce around how we usually do.

Anyway, 2 hours of playing and we were almost ready to leave, only Dylan discovered the paint table and wailed to be allowed to play. After 20 mins of painting almost everything in site including the chair, his hair and his top I decided enough was enough. Everyone was staring at us as if I was mad to let my child carry on in this bohemian way. I loved it, he loved it and the mess he made would be easily cleared up.

Just as we were leaving Jo, with Solomon and Helen with Raphael came in. I haven’t seen Jo or Sol for months – Solomon’s birthday me thinks, which was in October. So we played for another 20 mins, Solomon showed Dylan how to bump down the stairs on his belly – looking forward to him doing that at home and I caught up with Jo.

So why all the explanation, well whilst I was running round like a mad un, my boobs were feeling really sore. Every now and then I would get a shooting pain right from my nipple. I kinda, in my usual way just ignored the bally thing. But by 3 o’clock this afternoon I decided enough was enough and I exposed my breasts to my mother.

She took one look and called the Drs. I bumbled of to see Dr Mac at 5.30. He took another look and explained that I was going to have to be admitted to hospital cause me slight infection from earlier on had got worse and with me already being on oral antibiotics I was now going to have to hit the big time – intravenous drip…. YIPEEE!

So off me poodled, bag packed thinking I would be admitted pretty quick as they had already agreed I had a bed. But no… 4hrs later Im sat here typing on my little puter cause Im bored witless and don’t want to read my book in case I can’t access my puter on the ward.

The only thing that is keeping me entertained is spider on my puter and the drunk running round A&E yelling "KEEEEE-A-Gannnnn - he's our man. For those of you who dont do football (snigger that includes me) Keving Keegan has apparently just taken over as Manager for Newcastle - and this is a good thing.

God somebody save me Im talking football!!!

Im living with Keefe again.

2008-01-12T19:26:00.000+01:00

Ha, how many of you just spluttered all over the computer board! That sentence is enough to make anyone splutter, but its just a convenience thing. His convenience, my stupidity.

Every year the caravan site closes down for 8 weeks, usually we have stayed at mums, but this year for some sick and unknown reason I offered my home to him. It made sense at the time (I may have been on heavy doses of drugs).

Anyway following a wonderful argument last night, he almost didn’t move in - long story and one far to annoying to blog about - but today he condescended to move into mine as his stuff was already there. Like I give a flying fart!

We have spent the afternoon being very polite and side stepping issues like rules. Im definitely going to have to sit down with him and set out some of the things I really would like him to do - cause already he is annoying the hell out of me.

Time will tell, a hatchet in the head will tell more.

Gone!!

2008-01-08T23:04:00.000+01:00

It was a week ago that I had my stitches removed, and today whilst picking up the up the wee man. I felt confident, I felt great, we played, I jiggled him about, I kissed...

That night after bathing the wee chap I was holding him against me. He placed his hands down my top, he furked around... he looked at me... he furked some more... and then he said "Gone"... "Where". And I explained.....

Two days later, we played, I threw him up in the air.... I brought him down and I sat him on my hip - like all mummies hold their babies - and I split... couple of steristrips applied by the wonderful mummy, along with the knowing smile and "14 days to heal outside... 6 weeks to heal inside" and I was sorted.

God I hate it when mummies are right.

Three days later I was at the Dr's for a check up and the nurse booked me in for an immediate appointment... its hot and red.

I bared my boobs to Dr Mac (My latest God) who said "god they're gorgeous...hmmm infected... hmmm ...antibiotics".. Best thing he said was " you can drink on these though" - he knows me so well!

So this is me... infected, sightly less confident but still loving the whole thing.

The boobs are released

2007-12-31T22:44:00.000+01:00

Its now been three weeks since my operation, this morning I got my mummy to take some pics of my boobs - dressings included. There hasn't been much pain, just soreness. I had a slight accident picking Dylan up and had a little tear, but a steristip soon covered the damage and I was back on track.

SO.... with all the "are you going to post pics" emails, Im baring all....and it ain't pretty.

The shadow underneath is bruising... promise... its not fat...